


Further Adventures in Coupling

by bluecinderella4



Series: Further Adventures in Coupling [1]
Category: Coupling (UK)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2013-09-15
Packaged: 2017-12-21 22:00:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 56,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecinderella4/pseuds/bluecinderella4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened after where we last left off in Coupling?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meeting Joshua

**Author's Note:**

> This idea probably came when I asked myself "I wonder what ever happened to Patrick and Sally after the series ended". I love their characters and I love that pairing and we got left on a serious cliffhanger with them. Yeah I would've loved to have seen a (most likely humorously disastrous) wedding for them and I'm beyond curious as to what would happen if Sally became pregnant. That doesn't mean I'm not curious about the other characters too. What about Steve and Susan and their adventures in parenting? Would things work out between Jane and Oliver? Could Jeff return and what would happen if he did?
> 
> Okay, I suppose Moffat did answer those questions. I actually learned this a little after I outlined this fanfic and was slightly satisfied with his answers.* And even though I do like where he went with his ideas, I also have some of my own and that's why this fanfic is here. These are just my ideas, mind you, and I own absolutely nothing. Actually the name of Susan and Steve's baby isn't my idea; if you actually read at the end of the final episode they credit "Baby Joshua" (most likely in reference to Moffat's real life son Joshua).
> 
> *I can't give out the actual link. Googling 'outpost gallifrey coupling' helps too because it's the first link.

_Previously on_ Coupling

To keep a long story short: everyone got lucky that night. Steve and Susan welcomed their first child, a healthy baby boy they named Joshua. After carefully considering her options, Sally had agreed to marry Patrick on the condition that they have a "proper" marriage proposal do-over. And Oliver, well he did get lucky in the way you would expect when he visited with Jane that evening…though that didn't last very long. Even Jeff had managed to secure himself a flight home from Lesbos and surprise his friends.

So it's only best that we begin there.

**…**

"Are you absolutely sure you want to go through with the name 'Joshua'?" Steve questioned Susan.

Sitting upright on the bed in the recovery room Susan let out an annoyed sigh. "Yes, Steve, I'm absolutely sure. What's wrong with that name?"

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it."

"You certainly seem to be implying it."

"It's just…I don't know. I've got this nagging sensation that maybe the name's not good enough for him."

"Well you weren't exactly a big help with naming options. In the end we both sort of gave up and settled on Joshua. I don't see anything wrong with the name: Joshua Walker Taylor." Susan smiled as she thought about their nearly hour old son being taken care of in the nursery. "I don't think we could've chosen a better name."

"It's not that I don't like it. I just don't really know of any successful Joshuas out there."

"Then he can be one of the rare ones."

"Susan-"

"Is it really the name that's bothering you Steve?" Susan gestured for him to sit on the bed with her, which he did. "You're like this from time to time. Whenever something's eating at you, you pick at something else to devoid others from discovering what's really the matter."

Steve let out a little laugh and smiled at his fiancée. "You know me well." He then exhaled out a long sigh. "Okay the truth is…the truth is I'm scared of him."

Susan's eyes widened in confusion. "You're scared of a baby? A _baby_?"

"Not when you put it like that! I'm scared of the responsibilities that come with said baby."

"So you're scared of being a father?"

Steve processed what Susan had just said. "I s'pose so."

Susan patted his hand in comfort. "Well I'm scared of being a mother. I have the same worries as you; but all that matters is that we love and care for our son and try to make his life as normal as possible." They kissed each other. "We'll get through this together."

"You're right," Steve paused in thought, "but is his life honestly going to be normal with friends like ours?"

"I think he'll be fine…just so long as we don't leave him alone with Jane."

**…**

Oliver was slouching at Jane's table over a plate of burnt toast, clearly upset about something. Jane was sitting across from him reading the latest _National Enquirer_ with legitimate fascination when she managed to sneak a glance at Oliver. "Look if you're upset with the way the toast came out it's not entirely my fault. It's difficult to make toast without a toaster; I'm not used to making it with an oven. Granted it's been a little over a year or so, but it's hard to have breakfast when you're sneaking out of another man's flat before he leaves for work in the morning or before his wife gets home."

"It's not the toast," Oliver solemnly stated.

"Oh, are you still upset about the—oh, what the devil do they call it—the Melty Man?"

Oliver looked up at her in shock. "You know about the Melty Man?"

"Oh sure," Jane nodded as she flipped a page in the magazine. "Steve had compiled a notebook of ' _Jeffisms_ ' and that was one of the few terms I've come across. I don't know why _you're_ so upset about this; this is the first time this has happened to me and it's so humiliating." Oliver slumped his head down onto the table. "Maybe this is some sort of sign that we're not meant to be together."

Oliver lifted his head. "You think so?" He raised his eyebrows with a hint of suspicion. "Have you used that line on guys before?"

"Oh sure, lots of times," Oliver moaned and slumped his head down again, "but it's usually true." She continued reading. "Oh look at this: baby born with eyes in the back of its head." She remembered something. "Huh, Steve and Susan haven't phoned yet about their baby. Do you think we should've heard something from them by now? It shouldn't take that long to have a baby should it?"

"How the hell should I know that?" Oliver mumbled back.

"Everything I've learned about childbirth stemmed from watching television and it usually takes thirty minutes or an hour; hour and a half tops."

Oliver looked up at her. "Everything you learned from childbirth you learned from _television_?"

"Yes, how else am I supposed to learn about it?"

"You know what: I'm not going to comment on that! I'm not going to comment on anything you say anymore."

"Oh," Jane smiled, "look at us; here we are having our first fight as a couple."

"But…but…" Oliver was doing a double take at this point. "Jane, you just said not even a minute ago that we're not meant to be together."

Jane scowled at him. "So we're breaking up then?"

"What?!" Oliver was beyond confused at this point—though this was a pretty typical scenario to people who knew Jane Christie. Letting out a noise of exasperation, Oliver stood up and fetched his coat. "I've got to go open the shop now. I suppose I'll come back later…though I'm not entirely sure of what just happened."

Lovey-dovey Jane had returned at this point. "I'll see you later, Darling." Oliver left her apartment completely confused by what had transpired. Jane went back to her magazine. "Hmm, further studies prove that Shakespeare was a woman," she read more on that subject until her mobile rang. "Hello."

" _Hello Jane,"_ the voice on the other end answered.

"Steve? Well it's about bloody time you called! I take it the baby arrived?"

" _Yes, he was born nearly an hour ago."_

"Oh, it's a he? Does he have a name?"

" _Joshua."_

Jane made a face (though Steve couldn't see). "Used to know a guy named Joshua, was rubbish in bed. Never amounted to anything either."

" _Thank you Jane. Anyway Susan asked me to phone our friends to let them know that the baby is here and you're welcome to come to the hospital and visit."_

"I just might do that. Just think, Auntie Jane off to see the new baby, it's so exciting! Ooh, have you chosen godparents yet?"

" _No, Jane, you are not the child's godmother."_

"I can't say I'm a little stung by that; but I'm sure you'll have another one and you can make me godmother to that one; ooh, and it'll hopefully be a girl. The last thing we need is another penis."

The conversation then ended after Steve uttered a clearly exasperated, " _Goodbye Jane."_

**…**

Even though they weren't technically engaged, Patrick and Sally still celebrated their near engagement that evening and by morning, Sally was fast asleep in his arms. They had every intention of staying like that even as one of their mobiles rang.

"I think it's mine," Patrick whispered as they kept their eyes closed.

"Maybe you ought to answer it," Sally suggested.

"It's probably just Steve or Susan phoning us about their baby. It's no big deal."

"No big deal?" Sally freed himself from his warm embrace and sat upright in his bed. "Our friends have just had their first child together."

Patrick propped himself up with his elbow to continue this conversation. "And? It's just a birth. So they had a baby, so what?" Sally just stared at him with her mouth agape. "Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them. They're our closest friends and this is a big deal for them; but honestly, we're going to be seeing them with their kid practically every day."

"Yes, but I want personal confirmation."

"Personal confirmation of what?"

"That I am the godmother to my best friend's first born child. You must know these things directly after it happens you know."

"Why?"

"They're going to have a christening aren't they?" Patrick shrugged. "If I am the godmother—and it’s pretty much a given that I am—I’m going to be standing up there for all to see and I want to have just the right dress on. I must explore my wardrobe options for events like that."

"Even if they do have one it won't be for a while. And who's to say you even are the godmother?"

"It's inevitable. Susan is my best friend, I am on good terms with Steve, and…I'm…I'm _godmotherly_."

"Is that even a word?"

Sally rolled her eyes. "Shall we talk about something else?"

"Shall we not talk about anything instead?"

"Patrick!"

Patrick sighed. "Alright Sally, what do you want to talk about?"

"How long have you had that ring? I want the truth."

"Truth?" Sally nodded. Patrick took her hand in his, "I bought it right after that night I opted to stay with you instead of going on that golfing trip."

"Did you really?"

"Of course I did. I don't think I've ever wanted to be with a woman as much as I wanted to be with you." Sally felt tears well up in her eyes, but Patrick wiped them away. "I didn't want to ask you right away in case I scared you off or something."

"Oh Patrick," Sally sniffled. "I want to be with you too."

"So…will you marry me then?"

Sally's expression became ire. "You're proposing to me now?"

"Is that a no?"

"Patrick Maitland, this is not a proposal!"

"But…but what about all that romantic junk I just said?"

"What you said was romantic; but now is not the proper time to ask me to marry you!"

"When is the proper time then?"

"Well when we're not naked in bed for one!"

"What could be more romantic than being naked in bed? It's natural!"

Sally seemed to have ignored that and continued on. "Of course the proposal must be unexpected, but it must also be a romantic atmosphere complete with the romantic words. While you had the words, the atmosphere was clearly unromantic."

"How do you envision your proposal then?"

"I can't tell you!"

"Why not?"

"Because then I would see it coming. A woman's proposal must be all her man's idea."

"How much thinking is this going to require on my part?"

"All that matters is that we get married before Susan and Steve do."

"Why?"

"Susan gets first pick of everything and usually gets the best. I demand to be first at something! If that means rushing to the altar so be it. I will be married before Susan."

"So why didn't you just agree to marry me when I asked you?"

They were interrupted by the ringing of Sally's mobile. The romantic mood dead by this point, Sally answered her phone. "Hello."

" _Sally, it's Susan,"_ Susan informed on the other end of the line.

"Susan, I was just about to phone. You had the baby then?"

" _Not even a full hour ago."_

"And I am the godmother right?"

" _You're not at all curious if it's a boy or girl?"_

"I can figure that out on my own; am I godmother or not?"

" _Yes, Sally."_

Sally brushed her hair back with a sense of satisfaction. "This is a pleasant surprise. Thank you Susan, I'm honored to be your child's godmother."

" _I had a son by the way. His name is Joshua."_

"Well I would have known that when I got to the hospital, wouldn't I?" There was a click, followed by a tone on the other end. "Hello? Susan? Hello?"

**…**

Later in the afternoon when all was settled down and Baby Joshua was back with his parents, the four friends had decided to visit in a group.

Patrick knocked on their door and popped his head in. "You up for some company?"

"Sure, come on in," Susan approved.

Patrick stood back and opened the door and the women entered first, then Oliver and Patrick.

"Aww!" Sally and Jane were in awe as they moved closer to Susan and the baby.

"Well done, mate," Patrick congratulated Steve as he and Oliver stood behind the proud papa.

"My God he looks just like Steve," Sally commented.

"Do you mean that in a good or bad way?" Steve asked for clarification.

"Good way, I promise. Can I hold him?"

"Of course," Susan gingerly passed the infant to her best friend, "mind his head though."

Sally carefully held the newborn and gave him a sort of quick inspection. "It's hard to believe he's here now." She looked down at the baby. "Hi there, I'm your Auntie Sally. My you've got a full head of hair don't you? God, I can't wait until you're old enough for me to do your hair." Patrick couldn't help but smile as he watched Sally interact with the baby. He wasn't quite sure why, but something about that image of Sally holding a baby seemed right to him. Sally turned to Jane and handed Joshua to her. "There you are Jane."

Much to everyone's surprise, Jane held the baby with delicacy as if she'd done it before. "Oh my God, he does look like Steve. He's going to be quite the looker when he gets older. Would it be considered a taboo to have sex with him when he's an adult?"

"Jane!" Steve was appalled.

"It's an honest question."

"Never ask it again."

"Sorry."

"Too late, moment killed."

"Consider it a compliment on your part. I don't think I'd consider sleeping with him in adulthood if he looked like Susan." Jane slowly walked toward Oliver because he was next in the sort of line. "Mind his head, Oliver."

"I've never held a baby before," Oliver confessed as he adjusted Joshua in his arms. "Feels kinda weird; do I really have to hold him?"

"Not if you don't want to," Susan assured.

"Thank you," he handed the baby to Steve, who was beside him.

"Patrick, do you want to hold him?" Steve asked.

Patrick shrugged. "Sure, why not." Once Steve placed Joshua in Patrick's arms, the newborn began crying at the top of his lungs. "Here," he quickly handed the baby back to Steve. "What did I do different?"

"Maybe he doesn't like you," Jane point blankly answered. Her only response was some rather bothered looking glares. "Being honest."

There was another knock on the door followed by the door slightly opening and that friend sticking his head in. "Room for one more?"

"Jeff!" Steve quickly gave the baby to Susan and got up to hug his friend. After the hug, he gave his friend a brief look over. "You're not a woman."

"Um…neither are you."

"But when I saw you yesterday you had breasts…and were lactating. You looked like my fourth year maths teacher."

"How big were my breasts?"

"Darling," Susan began, "don't you think that seeing a female Jeff was all a dream?"

Steve thought that through. "It does seem more probable."

"No seriously Steve: how big were my breasts?" Jeff repeated his question.

"So Jeff, when did you get back?" Patrick changed the subject.

"Just got back a few minutes ago. I rented a car, put all my stuff in it, and drove here to see my new godson. I didn't 'spect to see all of you here." He was looking specifically at Oliver.

"Hi, I'm Oliver Morris," Oliver introduced himself. "I've heard lots about you Jeff."

"Oliver; I've heard...things." Oliver didn't know how to respond to that, so he didn't. "Good to see the rest of you though," Jeff looked at the new parents expectantly. "Can I hold him?"

"Sure Jeff," Susan carefully passed the infant to Jeff, who also seemed at ease when holding a newborn.

"Whoa this feels weird; don't think I've ever held a baby before," Jeff looked down at Joshua, and then quickly looked back up with a smile. "Hey, I think he's smiling at me."

Steve then ruined the moment with, "No, it's just gas. Made that same face earlier, got that same response from the nurse."

"I'm just surprised he didn't scream his lungs out when I held him."

"He didn't scream when Jane held him either."

"He's just been a perfect little angel," Susan commentated.

"Um excuse me," Patrick garnered everyone's attention, "he screamed bloody murder when _I_ held him."

"I'm sure it was nothing. Jeff, hand the baby to Patrick." Jeff shrugged and did what Susan instructed. Once Joshua was in Patrick's arms, he screamed bloody murder. "Here, give him to me."

"No, he stopped crying when I handed him to his dad," Patrick spoke over the wailing. "He'd probably do the same if I handed him to his mum. Here Jeff, you take him." He quickly gave the baby back to Jeff and instantly, Joshua stopped crying. "Oh bloody hell!"

"I guess it is you."

"Oh, but when I said that I got dirty looks," Jane lamented.

"Sally, can we go now?" Patrick sort of whined this to his girlfriend.

"Alright Darling, we'll go," Sally replied before giving Susan a gentle hug. "I'll see you soon." Sally looked down at the baby. "And I'll see you too, you adorable little thing you," Sally planted a sweet kiss on the baby's forehead. "Well, bye everyone," Sally waved goodbye to the rest of the adults as she headed toward the door—which Patrick was already standing by.

"I s'pose I better get back to _Hellmouth's_ ," Oliver was referring to his place of business. "I put up the sign for a ten minute break and I think I overdid it," he couldn't help but let out a small laugh at his weak joke. "Jane, do you need a lift?"

"No thank you," Jane declined. "My date should be arriving any moment."

"Date?"

"I couldn't help but bump into a gorgeous nurse and we made dinner plans."

Jeff's eyes went wide with excitement and he tried to maintain composure. "Nurse, eh?"

"Male nurse, Jeff," Steve spoke.

"No, she's a female," Jane corrected. This resulted in a sort of odd, intrigued moan from both Jeff and Oliver. "Remember Oliver: she was that blonde one with the eye shadow and the hourglass figure."

"Hello nurse," Jeff referenced a popular American cartoon.

"You made a date with someone else?" Oliver asked for clarification.

"A woman too."

Jane sort of gave a pout and her typical thinking twitch before speaking. "Well seeing as though we're not together-"

Oliver was back to being confused. "What?"

"We broke up after our fight this morning."

"I didn't even know you two were officially together," Susan noted as she put the baby in the hospital bassinet.

"Neither did I!" Oliver responded back.

Jeff let out a sort of chortle. "Well she's with another lady now so-"

"Thank you, Jeff!" Steve did this to get Jeff to stop talking about this.

"Irregardless," Jane stood up to leave, "her shift is over soon and I promised to meet her at some club. Congratulations on the new baby," Jane gave a hug to Susan and Steve. "Don't want to be late for my date."

Oliver was still dumbfounded. "What just happened?"

"There are things that aren't right with her," Steve replied. "I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and Jane then."

"Right," Oliver was still uncertain of what just transpired.

"But in case she sneaks into your flat tonight for sex don't be so surprised."

"Okay then. I'm going to go now." Oliver left as quickly as he could.

"I can go too right?" Jeff asked.

"If you'd like," Steve informed.

"I'm going to try and get my job and my apartment back," Jeff explained as he handed Joshua back to Susan.

"Good luck with that."

"Jeff," Susan started to speak, "you do know that Julia isn't our boss anymore?"

"What? No," clearly this came as a surprise to Jeff.

"She officially stepped down a few months ago and gave the job to Tim Freeman."

"Tim Freeman? Well, I guess that's a good thing he was a hard working bloke. Right, I'm gonna go see about getting my job back. Congrats on the new baby and what not." Jeff gave his friends a quick hug, gave a small wave to the baby, and then left to go about his business.

Steve closed the door and sat beside Susan. "Guess it's just the two of us."

"Three of us," Susan reminded him of the baby's presence.

"Right, right, three of us, sorry. God, I can't believe we have a baby now."

"Neither can I."

"Should we discuss marriage then?"

"Not now Steve."

"But we have a baby now."

"So? Just because we have a baby doesn't mean we have to get married. We've got a good thing going now why jinx it right away?"

"Should we at least get married before a proper christening?"

"Let's not worry about this now, Darling. I put the baby in the bassinet for a nap; I suggest we take in a nap while we can." Susan made some room for Steve to join her on the hospital bed.

"You're probably right," Steve climbed onto the bed beside her. "I love you."

"I love you too." Not even a full minute after closing their eyes, Joshua started crying. "Right then, you take care of that."


	2. Comical Candle Conversations

"And there they are," Jeff was regaling the gents with a tale from his last day in Lesbos, "there was Chrissie—the girl who thought I had one leg—and the Hebrew girl whose name I thought was 'breasts'."

Oliver didn't know about these women and was visibly confused. "What?"

"They're both long stories, Oliver. Anyway: Chrissie and the Hebrew girl are standing in my apartment face to face with me. Naturally, they both recognized me."

"What did you do?"

"What any other man would do in that situation: I ran out of there as fast as I could."

Steve couldn't help but shudder after Jeff finished telling the story. "That sounds awful."

Patrick finished swallowing his Guinness before he added his take on the subject. "The only way that could turn into a plus is with a catfight."

"Patrick!"

"Preferably in a mud pit where they're partially, if not completely naked."

"What are the odds that two girls who were attracted to you both show up in Lesbos looking for a Hebrew translator?" Oliver asked Jeff.

"What baffles me is that you completely forgot about this incident until just now," Steve stated.

"Yeah, how could you forget something like _that_?"

Jeff shrugged. "I guess I was interested in all of your going ons that I thought my adventures in Lesbos weren't as important. I mean the great Patrick Maitland is off the market and engaged to be married."

Patrick sucked air through his teeth as he was about to correct Jeff. "That's not technically true."

"Not technically true?" Steve was in disbelief by this. "You've proposed to Sally at least three times now!"

"God love the woman, but she's very peculiar. We're not 'officially' engaged until I give her an 'official' romantic proposal," he air quoted _official_ to further his point.

"And what is her definition of an _official_ romantic proposal exactly?"

"She won't tell me."

"What? Why the bloody hell not?"

"If I know what she wants, then she'll know what's coming and apparently that takes the romance out of it."

"He has a point," Jeff agreed with Patrick's point. "Hey Steve, maybe you could give Patrick some pointers on proposing. How did you propose to Susan?"

Steve set his glass down and began to explain. "Well Sally was supposed to be Patrick's fake wife, but at the last minute he chose Susan over Sally, making Sally jealous. So Sally wanted to use me as her husband to get back at Patrick, but I was a bit… _freaked_ by that. So after Sally introduced me as her husband, I told Susan I loved her and asked her to marry me."

"A bit freaked," Patrick chuckled remembering that event.

"Let me get this straight," Oliver tried to piece everything together, "while Susan's pretending to be Patrick's wife, you propose to her while you're pretending to be Sally's husband because apparently Sally was jealous that Patrick chose Susan over her to be his fake wife." Oliver took a drink. "And I thought me pretending to be my pregnant ex-girlfriend to a complete stranger was weird." The rest of the guys gave him funny looks. "It was over the phone and the stranger turned out to be Susan."

Steve let out a small chortle. "Surprising to say I miss those comical types of events. This is the first time I've been out with you guys in what six months."

"About that," Jeff stated, "but you've got a baby now."

"Yeah," Steve smiled as he thought about his six month old son. "He's a good kid."

Patrick scoffed at that notion. "The little bastard hates me."

"Don't you think you're exaggerating?"

"No! He literally hates me. Every time, _every time_ Sally and I pay a visit, he cries as loud as he can when he's near me. He's done that since day one and he hasn't stopped since. Haven't really gotten the chance to get to know the little bugger."

"You think it's 'cause Joshua knows Patrick once did it with his mum?" Jeff suggested.

Steve gave Jeff his typical 'are you serious' look. "How would a baby know that?"

"Babies can hear Steve. Maybe it heard something about Susan sleeping with Patrick while it was in the womb and put Patrick's voice to his face or something."

"Your theory makes absolutely no sense."

"I think it sounds plausible," Oliver argued. "A similar thing happened in the _Overcast_ comic series. See, Overcast's alter ego Tod Ferguson married his sweetheart Sabrina Handrel—unaware that _she_ was also a superheroine witch named Miss Spell; who even had her own short lived comic series, mind you. Anyway, Sabrina became pregnant with their daughter, Matilda, and while pregnant she was kidnapped by two masked henchmen who worked for a crime lord who went by the moniker Undertow. Undertow held Sabrina captive for a few days before Overcast found the hideaway, defeated the villain, saved his wife, and then admitted to Sabrina who he was regretting the fact Undertow and his masked henchmen got away. Later, Sabrina has the baby and when she and Tod go out in public this bloke named Lou starts trying to make friends with them. Only what's weird is Baby Matilda starts crying whenever Lou's around. It takes time but Tod and Sabrina get the idea that Matilda can sense he's a bad guy. So in issue seventy-three Tod and Sabrina spy on Lou and see him talking to strange looking blokes who in one way or another have ties to Undertow. Lou had been disguising his voice to them and when Sabrina hears his real voice she recognizes Lou as one of the masked henchmen of Undertow."

"Does this have a point Oliver?"

"The point is the baby heard the bad guy's voice in the womb and could recognize who the voice belonged to even when it was disguised."

"Well the kid was the offspring off two superheroes so you could argue that the baby had superpowers," Jeff refuted.

"It's a fan theory," Oliver casually said. "We're still waitin' on later issues for official confirmation."

"Thanks for spoiling that by the way; I just started reading the _Overcast_ comics."

"Nerds," Patrick commentated with small chuckle.

Steve seemed a bit baffled. "What does all that comic crap have to do with the real world?"

"Right," Oliver was now using hand gestures to help prove his point, "s'pose that while in the womb Joshua heard mention of his mum sleeping with Patrick, heard Patrick's voice, and then in the hospital recognized put Patrick's face to the voice."

"Makes sense," Jeff agreed with this theory.

Patrick was recounting on his fingers everything that had been said. "I don't have to remember any of this do I?"

Steve sighed. "Honestly, why do I pal around with you guys?"

"Low standards?"

"That was a rhetorical question Patrick."

"Then why bother to ask it? I can never tell when you're asking real or rhetorical questions so I always answer. You should be used to that by now."

"Can we change the subject now, and yes Patrick that was a _real_ question."

**…**

Meanwhile at Steve and Susan's flat, Sally and Jane were in the living room while Susan was putting the baby down for a nap. "Sally," Jane broke the silence, "can I be a bridesmaid when you and Patrick get married?"

"Of course you can," Sally replied. "That is _if_ we ever get married."

"He still hasn't properly proposed?"

"Not yet; and I'm getting quite tired of waiting for him to do it," Sally sighed, "I suppose I'm going to have to face facts that Patrick Maitland can't be romantic and will never properly propose."

Susan entered the living room and joined in on the conversation. "He's asked you about three times now hasn't he?"

"But each time it wasn't romantic enough."

"You can't be too peculiar when it comes to proposals you know."

Jane turned to Susan. "How did Steve propose to you?"

"Well…let's just say it was unexpected."

"And that's another problem with Patrick's proposals," Sally vaguely added before continuing on. "I know when he's going to do it and how that it just completely takes away the romantic aspect of it."

"My aren't we picky," Jane commented to Sally as she brushed her hair back. "What exactly is your idea of a romantic proposal then?"

Susan scoffed at this question. "Do not get her started." Susan reached for her drink on the coffee on the table. "She's practically got a book on the subject."

"Do you?"

Sally fidgeted in her seat. "It's more a collection of notes."

"At least thirty pages worth," Susan reminded her. After hearing this, Jane burst into laughter.

Sally shoved Jane. "I'm a hopeless romantic! I can't help that I have ideas of how a proposal should be."

"Shockingly, none of them are repetitious."

Jane was staring at Sally. "Which one is your ideal proposal?"

"Number thirty-six," Susan answered for Sally.

Jane's eyes went wide in humorous amazement. "Thirty-six!?"

"Out of seventy-two and apparently counting."

Uncomfortable, Sally loudly cleared her throat. "Shall we talk about something else?"

"Candles!" Jane abruptly shouted.

"You want to talk about candles?"

"Actually I was going to ask you if your proposal features candles," Jane was twirling her hair, "but sure, let's talk about candles."

Susan shot a confused look at Jane. "Okay, what about candles?"

There was an awkward pause as the women tried to find something to say about candles. "Well," Sally broke the silence, "I like scented candles."

"To answer your question Jane: no," Susan went back to the previous topic of discussion. "Number thirty-six does not feature candles. However, numbers nine, twenty-six, and fifty-eight do."

"Do not," Sally quietly objected.

"I'm sorry, number fifty- _seven_. Anyway those are the ones I remember. For all I know she might have more. But if anyone has known Sally as long as I have they'd know that she hardly gets rid of anything. So I'm one hundred percent sure that there are at least seventy-two proposal ideas and that three of them involve scented candles."

"I suppose I should be glad that you remember something that personal about me."

"Well I've been your best friend since high school, I suppose I should remember personal things about you."

Sally took a drink from her glass. "I doubt Patrick knows anything so personal about me." Susan just rolled her eyes. "When we got invited to our first couple's party we played a rendition of the _Newlywed Game_ and he didn't get a single thing right about me unless it was sex related."

"Patrick is good at anything sex related."

"I'll say," Jane commentated with a hint of satisfaction in her voice.

Sally shuddered to think of Patrick and Jane being intimate with each other (though it had previously happened before Patrick settled with Sally—and with both Jane _and_ Susan to name a few). Sally then continued on with her complaining. "I got every single question about him right—be it personal or sexual—and he couldn't even answer basic questions about my interests and quirks that well-endowed bastard."

"What were some of the non-sexual questions?" Susan asked.

"If they weren't about certain people like family, friends, or exes then it was mostly questions about interests, habits, quirks, and favorites. He couldn't even get questions about the people right for that matter. In fact; the first question he was asked was what my favorite book was and he looks at me with an eyebrow raised in confusion and whispers 'I didn't know there was going to be a test'." Susan and Jane couldn't help but giggle at that. "I tell him to answer the question and he replies 'I didn't know you read _actual_ books'."

"No!" Susan managed to speak out as Jane kept giggling.

"He still made a guess anyway."

"I'm afraid to ask what he guessed, but God I'm dying to know."

"He said," Sally proceeded to deepen her voice and mock Patrick, "'Sally'd rather watch the movie instead of read the book'."

"Did he really?"

"It is Patrick after all; the man hardly thinks before speaking."

"Is the answer _Love Story_?" Jane inquired.

"What?"

"Your favorite book? Is it _Love Story_?"

"Only from a list of the few _non_ Danielle Steel ones," Susan spoke before Sally got a word out. " _Valley of the Dolls_ is a close second, and _Madame Bovary_ and _Gone with the Wind_ tie for third."

"I knew _Valley of the Dolls_ was second but I thought Sally preferred _Madame Bovary_ over _Gone with the Wind._ "

"While Sally prefers the movie version, she still loves the book."

"You know," Sally brought attention to herself before looking at Jane, " _Sally_ is still here; and really Jane, I can't believe you knew that."

"You're obviously a hopeless romantic who loves a love story and I figured _Love Story_ would be your ideal book."

"How did you know about the other three then?"

"I've actually seen you reading them. I am a very observant person you know and I remember what I see."

Susan glared at Jane. "Really?"

"Really."

"Remember when you and I took Joshua to the park? I told you to watch him for not even a full minute while I go to my car, and you thought you lost him."

Sally was shocked. "Jane, did you really lose the baby?"

"No, she just didn't look to her left. I put Joshua in his stroller and put the stroller to Jane's left. Then when Jane sees me coming back she runs and gets someone else's baby."

"You nabbed another baby?"

Jane nervously fidgeted in her seat. "I thought the baby I picked looked closest to Joshua."

"You must not have looked long enough," Susan said to Jane. "You grabbed a baby girl!"

"Her outfit was similar to Joshua's."

"That baby girl was Asian!"

"Yes, but I didn't realize that until _after_  you pointed that out. I don't usually pick out every little detail. Personally, I think babies are ugly little things."

"Good to know Jane."

"Oh, but not Joshua. I think it really helps that Steve is his father."

"Ah."

"I think I'd like to have a baby someday…although I wouldn't quite know what to do with one." Jane made a noise of disgust. "Oh, I hope I don't have an ugly baby."

Susan clapped her hands together. "Let's talk about candles now."


	3. A Christening to Remember

"I can't understand why they have christenings in churches," Jane commented as she entered the church, "bit bizarre isn't it?"

"Sure Jane, _bizarre_ ," Oliver exchanged a confused look with Jeff—who had since become a close male companion for the comic geek—and both of them eventually shrugged this off. "I've never been to this church before; it's kinda out of the way for me. Did they choose this one for any particular reason?"

"Oh yeah," Jeff nodded as he began explaining, "this was the church where Steve was baptized. His whole family was basically christened here and it made sense for Joshua to be too."

"Symbolic reasons, nice."

Jane led the group and looked around with disgust. "Ugh, I can't believe how many of Steve's family showed up. Never did like most of them, just his Mum." Someone caught her eye. "Hello now, who do we have here?"

"Ah," Jeff noticed the man in question, "that's Steve's cousin Daniel. He used to work in Parliament but stepped down after his wife died unexpectedly."

"Ooh, a widower," Jane let out a lustful moan. "I find widowers very sexy."

Oliver and Jeff did a double take before Oliver blurted out, "You find anyone with a pulse sexy!"

"Plus the poor man lost his wife in an accident not even six months ago," Jeff reminded.

Jane pouted her lips and began seductively twirling her hair. "How long ago was the accident exactly?"

Jeff thought it through. "Four and a half months ago."

"He's had long enough to grieve," Jane made her way over to Daniel.

"Bu-but…gah!" Oliver just gave up. "God, I don't think I'll ever live to understand that woman."

"I'm sure she makes up for her… _self_ in the bedroom." Jeff sighed. "I think I actually came close to knowing what that was like."

"Really? When?"

"Right before Steve called and asked me to take his porn magazines to him."

"Do I want to know?"

"It's really a funny story."

"Is it really?"

"Trust me."

**…**

Steve was standing next to Susan, mindlessly listening as she prattled on about something when he heard laughing. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jeff and Oliver sharing a laugh and a twinge of jealousy came over him.

"Steve," Susan brought him back to reality.

"Hmm," he looked back at her parents. "Yeah, sure I agree."

Her father raised his eyebrow. "Beg pardon?"

Susan handed Joshua to her mother. "Could you hold Josh for a moment while I have a chat with Steve?" Susan led Steve aside. "What's going on with you?"

"What do you mean 'what's going on with me'? Nothing's going on with me, Susan."

"Look, I know today's been stressful to say the least, but all I ask is that you keep focus. That's not too much to ask from you is it?"

"Of course not."

"Now tell me what else is bothering you?"

"Nothing else is bothering me."

"What were you looking at when we were talking to my parents?" Susan got a look at Jeff and Oliver having a laugh. "Aw Steve, you're jealous."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are; but you have good reason to be. You've known Jeff for over twenty years and you think a new guy is going to take your spot."

"They've just met and already they're hitting it off! I wouldn't be surprised if they wound up in bed together!"

"Now you know that's not going to happen. And if—for God knows whatever reason—it _does_ happen, you're always going to be Jeff's best friend. You didn't feel like this when Jeff made friends with Patrick."

"I didn't think that would last. In all honesty: I'm surprised Patrick and Sally lasted too."

"Patrick hasn't been the best with any kind of relationship. If he was, he and Sally would be engaged by now."

"Are you…Susan, you haven't been pressuring him to propose to Sally have you?"

Susan pondered what Steve had said and thought back on her most recent conversations with Patrick.

" _Patrick, I don't know if you know this, but Sally actually prefers pink roses to red ones. Just a little heads up if you're planning on doing something_ romantic _for her."_

" _You know Patrick, Sally's parents anniversary was on the 28th of_ J _uly—which is also_ _her mother's birthday. Seeing as you know how Sally and her mother are…_ estranged _, might I suggest any romantic gestures not take place on dates divisible by the number seven. Sally prefers even numbers you know."_

" _Sally's secretly wanted a baby for the longest time. You know what they say Patrick first comes love, then comes marriage, then the baby in the carriage deal...though I'm probably not the best example for that rhyme am I?"_

" _Sally wants to get married before me doesn't she Patrick? Can't imagine why I mean it's not like anyone's asked her or anything…no Patrick, there isn't anything in my eye I'm winking at you."_

" _OH JUST PROPOSE TO THE WOMAN ALREADY!"_

Looking Steve right in the eye, Susan shook her head and told him, "No."

**…**

Sally looked miffed as she and Patrick entered the church as the last guests. "I can't believe how late we are. I never should have let you talk me into that pre-afternoon delight thing." Patrick's sly snicker made Sally scoff. "We would have been here much sooner had you just ended when I told you to."

"Wouldn't have been much fun then would it?" Patrick quipped back.

She let out an annoyed sound. "Come on; let's go mingle with people you haven't slept with."

"Do we even have to be here?"

"Of course we do! This is a big day for little Joshua and we should help celebrate it."

"I don't even like the little bastard."

Sally hit his side. "Patrick!"

"He doesn't like me either!" He let out a muffled noise. "Never did much care for babies."

"You had sex with a pregnant woman once."

"Yes, but that's different; the baby wasn't alive then."

"What if I was having a baby?"

Patrick's eyes went wide in nervousness. "Sally, you're not-"

"Oh God, no!"

"I mean I know you secretly want a baby someday but I think-"

"Who told you I wanted a baby?"

"Susan did."

"I see. And when exactly were you talking to Susan?"

"I wasn't talking to her. She approaches me telling things like that before yelling at me to propose to you."

"Susan did what?"

"What I just told you...I probably wasn't supposed to tell you though. Don't tell her I told you." Sally huffed at him and stormed off. "Was it something I said?"

"Susan Walker!"

At the mention of her name, Susan looked to see an upset Sally approaching her. "Oh Christ." The priest turned to Susan looking a bit offended. "Sorry."

"I can't believe what you've been doing you sneaky little…sneaky little…sneak!"

"Calm down Sally. What exactly are you talking about?" Susan (and Sally) failed to notice Steve make his way over to the conversation and stand beside Susan.

"Patrick just told me about a conversation the two of you had."

Susan just stood there with a blank look on her face. "Alright and," she gestured for Sally to continue.

"You're trying to get him to propose to me!"

"You lying liar!" Steve's outburst made Susan jump a little.

"Lying liar?" surprisingly, those were the words out of Susan's mouth.

"I didn't really have much time to think about a proper adjective. Susan, you told me you weren't interfering in Patrick and Sally's romantic life."

"No, I said I wasn't trying to get Patrick to propose to Sally."

"But Sally told us that Patrick told her you _were_ trying to get him to propose!"

"Either way, neither of you were supposed to find out."

"It's Patrick!" both Steve and Sally were in unison in this.

"The man does not think before he speaks," Steve reminded.

"Why do you think I tell _you_ every personal, intimate detail?" Sally questioned Susan. "If I told Patrick anything so personal you can bet he'd blurt it out for all the wrong people to hear!"

"Heaven knows what would happen if he ever spoke in public."

Susan put her arms up in a sort of surrender. "Okay, I'm sorry; but my intentions were good. Sally, you're my best friend and I look out for your happiness and interest and I was only trying to help."

Sally sighed. "Alright, I'm sorry I sort of overreacted. It's just…never once have I interfered with any romantic plans Steve has had for you."

Steve pondered what she said. "I think she's right."

"Obviously. I mean I would take the fucking credit if anything successful was my idea." The priest scowled at Sally. "Oh, like you've never sworn before!"

The priest ignored her and faced Steve and Susan. "I believe that we should begin soon."

"I agree," Steve voted. "Come on ladies; let's take our places at the altar."

"Should we make sure everyone's still in here?" Susan suggested.

"Good point, I haven't seen Jane yet."

"Really?" Sally looked around. "Well there's Jeff and Oliver."

"Yeah and?" was Steve's tone bitter?

"Jane told me she was getting a ride with them. They're obviously here, why isn't Jane?"

"Jane was probably a third wheel."

"Sounds like someone's a bit jealous of Jeff's relationship with Oliver."

"Ah, so there is something romantic going on between them!"

"Platonic relationship you twat!"

Steve tried to get his cool back. "Right, right I knew that." He cleared his throat. "Shall we start then?"

**…**

" _If you would all take your seats so that we may begin."_

A confessional door opened slightly and Steve's cousin Daniel poked his head out. "Looks like they're starting now." He stepped out of the confessional still looking neat and tidy.

Jane was the next one out and her hair and clothes were still in place. "Bloody hell, we didn't do a single thing in there."

"Shall we try again after the ceremony?"

"Can we just skip the boring Christening thing and have the sex?"

Daniel sucked air through his teeth in an 'I don't know about this' demeanor. "I don't know about that Jane. You see, I have been told by my late wife that I can be loud in that department. I don't think it's a good idea for us to have intercourse when it's supposed to be quiet."

Jane giggled. "Do people still use the term 'intercourse'?"

"Jane, please?"

Jane did her upset little dance complete with the sad moan. "Oh, alright!"

"Thank you."

**…**

"I baptize you Joshua Walker Taylor in the name of the Father, the Son, and of the Holy Ghost," the priest finished with the Christening and handed the infant back to his mother as the crowd applauded. "I thank you all for witnessing this blessed event. The refreshments are in the next room." This was enough to get everyone up and to the next room.

"Yoo-hoo," Jane tapped on Daniel's shoulder while he was in mid-conversation, "I believe you and I have to let out a few confessions."

Daniel took Jane aside. "Can we do this a bit later?"

"What? Why?"

"I've got family here that I haven't seen in a while. Let me chat up a few more people and then I'll meet you at the confessional."

"Why can't we go there together?"

"Jane, I just lost my wife and I told a lot of people I'm not ready to move on yet. I think it's safer if I meet you there alright."

Jane groaned. "Fine; but as God as my witness if someone else gets there before you, I will have sex with him or her." Jane turned around to stomp off and came face to face with the priest. "Excuse me, Your Highness," she hurried past him.

**…**

Jeff and Oliver were so busy discussing the possibility of an _Overcast_ movie that they neglected to notice Jane hurry past them. "But the real question is can he play a sort of everyman," Jeff was going on about casting the lead role. "I mean he's the natural tough guy but can you really expect him to play the alter ego role."

"No he can't, he's too macho," Oliver inputted. "That's why you have to go the preferred Tobey Maguire route and get the actor to play both the alter ego and the superhero."

"'Preferred Tobey Maguire route'?"

"I'm still not sure if that was him under the Spiderman costume? He was that believable as the nerdy Peter Parker."

"Oh," Jeff put his fingers to his head in thought. "Now you got me wonderin' if that's really under that costume."

**…**

Steve was standing by the buffet table holding his son and staring at Jeff and Oliver with contempt.

"You know," Susan began as she approached him, "this is mostly _your_ family. You should go and have conversations with them."

"What person in their right mind would want to talk to their family?" Jeff and Oliver started to laugh again. "They're talking smack about me I know it."

"Jeff and Oliver? Can you actually hear them?"

"No."

"Then how do you know they're doing that?"

"I just do!"

"I think it's the jealousy taking over."

"I'm not jealous." Jeff and Oliver laughed again. "I'm just going to go and interject myself into their conversation as a show of non-jealousy," he passed the baby to Susan and joined the guys with his own fake laughter.

Susan looked at her son. "You know Daddy's jealous right?" Josh made bubbles with his spit in response. "I'll take that as a yes." The baby started to whine. "What's the matter honey?" Joshua just kept whining. "Do you want your Pooh Bear?" Her son's whining became louder. "Mummy left him in the car." Susan began scanning the room for someone who wasn't engaged in a conversation and came across one person standing near a corner alone. Hurrying over, she handed her son to said person and the whining became full-fledged screaming and crying.

Patrick tried to hand Joshua back to his mother. "Susan, are you insane?"

"It's only for a minute; I have to run to the car." She gave her son a quick kiss on his crown before running off.

"What am I supposed to do with it?" Joshua kept screaming his head off. "Do you have an off button or something?" Nothing but screaming and crying. "Uh…" he tried to search for someone to pawn the baby off to. Not knowing what to do, Patrick just held the kid and bounced him up and down. Still, the crying did not cease.

Sally came over to them. "Patrick, what did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything! Here!" He pawned the child off to Sally. Once in Sally's arms, the crying subsided. "I told you the little bugger hates me!"

"You're overreacting Patrick," as if by instinct, Sally put Joshua over her shoulder and began patting him until she heard him burp. "See, that's all he needed." She cradled him in her arms and rocked him back and forth. "Poor baby; it's not your fault Patrick's an idiot."

"Hey!"

Sally ignored him and continued cooing at the baby. "You just needed a nice burp didn't you? Yes you did, yes you-"

She was then interrupted by a strange sound emitting from Joshua, followed by him retching on her dress. Sally's upset scream of disgust resulted in unwanted attention from the guests, unwelcome snickering from Patrick, and Susan rushing in with Joshua's toy thinking something was terribly wrong. Without saying a word Sally walked over to Susan, shoved her baby at her, and tried to walk to the ladies' room with dignity.

Susan and Patrick followed her and waited outside the ladies room as they heard the sink turn on followed by irritated mumblings. "Sounds like she's trying to clean her dress," Susan determined.

"Shouldn't you go help her?" Patrick asked Susan.

Susan looked at him with ire. "Why can't you?"

"Because it's the ladies room."

"Like that's ever stopped you before."

"It's a ladies room in a _church_."

"Patrick!"

"Fine, fine." Patrick knocked on the door to the ladies' room. "Sally?" Sally didn't say anything back. "Are you alright?" He pressed his ear to the door and Patrick swore he heard her crying. "Right, I'm coming in." He entered the bathroom and saw Sally standing at the sink desperately trying to clean the vomit off of her dress.

"It won't come off!" she cried as she wetted another paper towel. "What do they feed that child?"

"I was afraid something like this would happen; but I think I might have something that helps."

"I highly doubt it, Patrick."

"No, honest I do. Come with me to the car."

"Why?"

"Just trust me on this please."

Sally angrily balled up the paper towel and threw it in the trash can. "Fine."

Patrick took her hand and led her outside. Once they reached Patrick's car, he instructed her to wait by the passenger side as he went to the trunk. "Here we go." Patrick pulled out a dress that looked like it had just came from the dry cleaners.

"What the…how the…why the-"

"I thought I'd come prepared for occasions like this. See, it's the second dress you liked."

Sally took the dress. "I can't believe you did this for me." She raised her eyebrow to him. "What's the catch?"

"No catch, I promise; it's merely an emergency dress."

"Oh Patrick," Sally kissed him. "This has got to be the sweetest, most sincerest thing you've ever done for me."

"Well I'd only do the sincere crap for you, Sally."

**…**

Steve just stood there between Jeff and Oliver like a third wheel as Jeff and Oliver prattled on about action films. Steve had his arms crossed and his face seemed to express a mixture of boredom and regret.

"Hey," Jeff began, "you know who really knows a lot about _Ghostbusters_?"

Oliver was extremely curious. "Who?"

"Father Elliot over there."

"Are you kidding?"

"No! He's like the ultimate _Ghostbusters_ fanboy. He can answer any question pertaining to the series be it movie, comic, or animated television shows."

"Shows? Are you meaning to tell me there was more than _one_ animated _Ghostbuster_ show?"

"Yeah, _Extreme Ghostbusters_!"

"No shit?" Father Elliot, who was passing by, stopped in his tracks. "Oops, sorry."

Father Elliot held up his hand. "I'll let it slide." He continued on toward the confessional.

"He recorded all forty episodes," Jeff continued. "He said that series, while more modern, was more darker and focused heavy on a new Ghostbusting generation. One of the kids was in a wheelchair and another was a girl."

"For real?" Oliver was excited by this. Steve, however, just glanced at his watch and stifled a yawn and said nothing.

"Another was Mexican!"

"A Mexican Ghostbuster?"

"Yeah but the original Ghostbusters are only together for a two-part episode. Egon's the only original Ghostbuster to stay. Father Elliot did say that he was pleased that the original voice for Egon came back."

"Harold Ramis?"

"No, the voice actor," Jeff tried to think of the name. "I can't remember his name. I'm gonna go ask him."

"Where'd he go?"

"I think I just saw him by the confessional. Maybe he went in." Jeff went to the confessional.

While something was going on over there, Oliver decided to converse with Steve. "So, you like _Ghostbusters_ Steve?"

"Can't say that I do Oliver," Steve replied.

"Is that code for you haven't seen it? Every nerd in existence has seen it!"

"Well I guess I'm not a nerd then."

"Is something troublin' you Steve? We're friends now and friends tell each other everything don't they?"

"Not everything, no."

"Are you jealous that Jeff and I seem to connect more conversation wise?"

Steve did a double take. "Did Susan tell you?"

"No, Jeff did."

"Jeff? Really?"

"Really. Jeff flat out told me that no matter what, you're always gonna be his best friend and porn buddy and he wanted me to respect that—which I do. He told me this story of when you got your first girlfriend. Jeff was so jealous and he was so afraid he was gonna lose you. However, his fears were laid to rest when you made time for him and assured him you were always gonna be his best friend and porn buddy."

"He really told you I was his porn buddy?"

"Do you get my point? Jeff was afraid that maybe you would get jealous, but I assured him you would always know he was _your_ best friend."

Steve sighed. "I s'pose I did get a bit jealous. I'm sorry, Oliver, I should've trusted you."

"It's not really me you should apologize to, it's Jeff."

"I guess you're right," Steve began to search for Jeff. "Hey, where is Jeff?"

"Dunno," Oliver pointed to something else, "but why is Patrick carrying a microphone."

"What the bloody hell is he doing," Steve noticed the priest turn around and stare at him. "Oh come on! This is like a running gag now; you should be used to this."

**…**

"Susan," Sally went over to Susan, "switch dresses with me."

"Hello to you too Sally," Susan greeted back.

"Fine: Susan, _please_ switch dresses with me."

"It looks like you've got a new dress, why do you want mine?"

"Her," Sally pointed to a blonde woman wearing the same dress as Sally. "I asked her to take off her dress but she looked at me like I was some crazy person."

"No comment there."

"I can't be seen in the same dress as another woman at an event! Trade dresses with me!"

"No, and where did you even get this dress?"

"Patrick brought it for me."

Susan shot a confused glance at Sally. "Patrick Maitland?"

"Hard to believe isn't it? He brought it as an 'emergency dress'."

"Well if he brought one, maybe he brought another. Why don't you ask him?"

"Because I can't find him. I don't know where he's went off to."

The noise of someone tapping on a microphone encompassed the room. "Can I have everyone's attention please?" Patrick was standing on the room's small stage behind a microphone.

"Found him," Susan bluntly stated.

"My name is Patrick Maitland and I've got a problem," Patrick continued on. "For the first time in my life I've fallen in love. And the woman I've fallen in love with is Sally Harper."

"What the fuck is he doing?" Sally quietly asked Susan.

Susan shrugged. "Humiliating himself?"

Patrick cleared his throat. "I know I'm not perfect. I'm not good at being sincere or romantic, I usually ignore feelings and other girly stuff, and looking around the room I guarantee I've slept with at least half of the women here. But Sally's the one woman who's willing to put up with all my flaws, and I'm the man willing to put up with all of hers."

Sally buried her hands in her face in embarrassment. "Shit."

"Another thing a lot of you know about me is my failure to commit. However, I've realized that Sally is the one woman I want to commit to." Sally lowered her hands and looked up at him. "I've tried countless of times to propose to her, but each time she's told me to try again because it wasn't a 'proper proposal'—whatever the hell that means…sorry if that was offensive, Father Elliot."

Father Elliot reached for a glass of wine. "Fuck it."

"Anyway, I actually took the time and effort to plan a perfect proposal. Believe it or not I read a few books on this."

"I don't believe it," Steve whispered to Oliver, resulting in Oliver snorting with laughter.

"And I found that women do like unexpected proposals and she's more than likely to say yes when she's asked in a public setting with people watching. So, I'd like to take this opportunity to ask Sally to look in her dress pocket."

Sally raised an eyebrow in confusion. "This dress has pockets?"

"Yes, the dress has pockets."

Sally felt around for a pocket. Once she found the pockets, she stuck her hands inside both of them. The right pocket was empty, but there was clearly something in the left pocket. And that something was a diamond ring. "Oh my God!" She began to cry.

Patrick got off the stage and made his way over to Sally. "Sally, I love you; will you marry me?"

"Yes," Sally slowly started to nod her head before the nodding became more enthusiastic. "Yes! Yes! YES!"

With a huge grin on his face, Patrick took the ring from Sally and slid it on her left ring finger. "I love you."

"I love you." And the newly engaged couple kissed as everyone happily applauded them.

**…**

Jeff opened the door to the confessional. "Did we miss something important?"

Jane poked her head out and looked around. "Doubt it."

"Should we join the crowd or something?"

"No," Jane grabbed Jeff by his shirt collar and pulled him close. "I am the Lord your God, take me now."

"Okay!" they hurried back inside and shut the door so that the two of them could partake in some afternoon delight.


	4. Pregnant Pause

There they sat at Steve and Susan's table: Jane and Sally on the left, Susan directly across from Sally beside an empty high chair, and at the end between Sally and Susan, was a wide-eyed Oliver—who for some reason had a giant stain on his shirt. The four adults were staring at what now rested on the table before them.

"So," Oliver tried to break the awkward, tensed silence, "how exactly did this happen?" His query got no reply. "Well, the truth is going to come out eventually." More silence. "Okay," Oliver clapped his hands together, "here's how this looks from my perspective."

**…**

_Oliver's Perspective- fifteen minutes earlier_

"I don't think you understand Jeff," Oliver was conversing with Jeff over their mobiles, "this is a _real_ woman and there's a very good chance this date can lead to _real_ sex."

Jeff couldn't help but chuckle. _"Been a while hasn't it Ollie?"_

"Yes, it has been a while; but with this girl it's different. I've got a feeling about this girl Jeff, a _good_ feeling. The thought that she could be the one has crossed my mind."

" _How serious do you think you and this girl could get?"_

"I think she might be the Lois Lane to my Clark Kent."

" _Ooh, that is serious,"_ Jeff agreed. _"How did you even meet her?"_

"Well, we actually haven't met...per se."

" _That's a good start."_

"We've developed a relationship in a _Doctor Who_ forum. I said I've never met her, but she told me I have met her! She's been to the shop before and thought I was cute. Cute, Jeff, _cute_! This girl I've never met I've apparently met and she thinks I'm _cute_!" This got Jeff to let out another chuckle. "I'm meeting her tonight for dinner and I want to be prepared."

" _And you can't buy any yourself?"_

"I got reservations at a good restaurant."

" _How good?"_ Jeff's eyes widened as Oliver described the restaurant. _"Oh, that is a good restaurant."_

"You can see why I can't spend any money on anything else tonight."

" _Else?"_

Oliver looked to the side where a giant convenient store _Slurpee_ sat. "I might have overdone it with the extra-large _Slurpee_ during my lunch break." He shook the nearly empty beverage. "At the time it didn't occur to me to buy any...you know… _protection_ ," he whispered the last word in embarrassment.

" _Sorry Oliver but I can't help you out. I'm broke and condomless."_

"Shit."

" _Wait, I'm not condomless!"_ Jeff suddenly blurted out. _"There's about a handful of condoms at Steve's place among our porn collection."_

"That's fantastic!" Oliver suddenly made a face as he realized what he had just complimented. "Do you have a spare key to his flat?"

" _Yeah, but it's with me and I'm out. Don't worry, Susan should be home though. Just get in there, ask to borrow something from Steve's collection, hide a condom in your pocket or wallet, and borrow one of Steve's pornos."_

"Why?"

" _That way you're not lying to Susan when you borrowed something from Steve's collection. Might I recommend_ Lesbian Spank Inferno _?"_

"Jeff!"

" _It's nice to have a Plan B in case things don't work out on your date tonight."_

Oliver should have been offended but he thought about the luck—though more accurately _lack_ —he'd been having been having with women. "Good point." He took a quick sip of his _Slurpee_. "Right, I'm off."

" _Good luck, mate."_

Oliver quickly hung up the phone as he began running around the store. He hurriedly grabbed his jacket and beverage, bolted out of the store, turned back to actually close/lock up the store, got into someone else's unlocked car, quickly hurried out before anyone noticed him, entered the passenger side of his car, climbed over the dashboard to the driver's side, threw his jacket to the passenger side instead of putting it on himself, started the car, rear ended the vehicle behind him (the one he had accidentally snuck into), and drove off in the wrong direction before correcting that mistake. Oliver took another quick sip of his drink as he turned a corner. He quickly regretted that decision for two reasons. First, he drove over a curb and the drink spilled all over his shirt. Second, that sip seemed to have been the dreaded sip; the particular sip that indicated a person had too much to drink and should relieve one's self and more often than not came up at an inopportune time.

Just another typical day in the life of Oliver Morris.

So when he arrived at Steve's flat he hurried out of his car and pounded on the door. "Susan!" No answer. He knew it was impolite (among other reasons) to break into someone's house, but Susan was home. Thankfully, the door was unlocked. "Susan, it's Oliver!" He made his presence known when he ran into the flat. "Sorry to barge in," he made his way down the hall and toward the bathroom in Steve and Susan's room, "but I really need to use the…" he opened the bathroom door to find his three female friends on the other side of the door standing in the center of the bathroom. They each screamed and Oliver swore that in that quick blur of instant they all dropped something. "Shit! Sorry," he backed into the hall and closed the bathroom door.

"Oh fuck, not again!" he heard Sally cry out through the closed door. Confused, Oliver mouth the word 'again' to himself. Had any of the guys barged in on the three of them in the bathroom before? He knew he shouldn't eavesdrop, but his curiosity was piqued.

"You had to buy the exact same brand?" Susan scolded.

"It was the cheapest!"

It was at this moment that the call of nature rang for Oliver. "Susan," he tapped on the bathroom door, "sorry for barging in on you, but can I use your loo?"

He heard Susan sigh in what seemed like defeated exasperation. "What the hell? Come on in Oliver."

"Thanks," he slowly opened the door and got a good look at his anxious looking lady friends. "So…no locks on the bathroom door?" The women gave him icy looks. "Sorry." He glanced at the three of them. "Um, could I get a little bit of privacy?"

"Why?" Jane inquired. "I've seen it before and it's not all that impressive."

"Jane!"

"I think it's only fair. You saw us."

"Yes, but your privates weren't exposed as you were urinating! And I have no idea what the three of you are doing in Susan's bathroom. Seriously, why are you all in here? It's creepy enough when women go to the toilets in groups in public."

Susan stepped forward. "You really have no idea what's going on in here?"

"No!"

"And you didn't hear anything?"

"No! Susan, is there something going on that I should know about?"

Susan paused. "Well, you're going to find out eventually."

"Find out what?" Susan cleared her throat and pointed to the floor. Oliver looked down at the floor at what Susan was pointing at. "Um…okay."

Three identically similar pregnancy tests were scattered together on the floor. "We were about to find out when you barged in on us and caused us all to drop our tests."

"And you don't know whose is whose?" The three of them shook their heads. Oliver looked back down at the ground. "Well, one of them is negative." One test result was face up while the other two were face down.

"Could you…" Susan didn't know how to say what she wanted to say. So she came out with it. "…could you flip the other two over?"

"Uh..." Oliver was equally at a loss for words. "Why?"

"Please. This is making us really anxious. Do this for us and then we'll let you piss in private."

Oliver sighed, shrugged, and lowered himself to turn over the other two tests. He picked up the first one and turned it so he could see the result. "This one is also negative." He set that one down face up.

"Oh fuck," a visibly nervous Sally was shaking, "fuck, it's going to be a repeat of last time."

"You don't know that for sure," Susan tried to assure her. "They might all be negative."

Jane put her arm around Sally's shoulder. "Yeah Sally, think positive," Jane tilted her head, "or negative in this case. Think positively negative!"

"What happened last time was a strange coincidence."

Sally calmed a bit. "You're right. Yes, last time was an incredibly strange coincidence," Sally started laughing while Oliver picked up the final test. "I mean really; what are the chances that-"

"-one of you is pregnant," Oliver interrupted. The girls turned to him. Without saying a word, he showed the three of them the positive test.

"Fuck."

…

_Present Time_

"What baffles me," Oliver began, "is why were the three of you each taking a pregnancy test? What, you all think you conceived at the same time?" Oliver turned to Susan. "Not to be nosy Susan; but how did you and Steve find time with a baby in the house?"

There was some delay on Susan's part before she explained. "For one night Steve and I didn't have to worry about the baby."

"Heh?"

"After the Christening my mother suggested Steve and I spend some time together just the two of us and she would take Joshua for the night. You have to remember it had been a long time since Steve and I…you know," the adults nodded. "So that night while Joshua was at his grandmother's, Steve and I found the time to…to be intimate."

"The Christening? That was nearly three months ago wasn't it?"

"Ten weeks ago."

"How do you know that?"

"Ever since I got pregnant with Joshua I measured in weeks and it's became a habit." Susan's face fell. "Oh Christ, I could be ten weeks pregnant."

"So could we!" Sally and Jane reminded her in unison.

Susan thought about that. "Now Sally I can understand," this was a subtle reminder that Sally and Patrick had gotten engaged at the party following the baptism and most likely celebrated their engagement, "but not you Jane."

"Susan has a point," Sally looked at Jane. "Who could you have slept with?"

Jane tried be coy. "You may or may not know him."

Oliver made a strange noise as his jaw dropped. "You had sex with Jeff!"

"WHAT?!" Sally and Susan were not aware of that.

"Steve and I couldn't find Jeff for the longest time at the party, and when we did he was acting like a madman all delirious and drooling. Steve figured he had sex and that just made Jeff giggle. You had sex with Jeff, didn't you Jane?"

Jane groaned. "Alright my secret's out; I had sex with Jeff."

"But you left with that other guy!"

Susan raised her eyebrow to Jane. "What other guy?"

"Steve's widowed cousin Daniel," Jane bluntly answered. "He was supposed to meet me in the confessional for sex and I waited for him. There's also a ninety nine percent chance I told him that if someone got in there before he did I would have sex with that person."

"And that person was Jeff?"

"He was looking for the priest guy and thought he was in the confessional," Jane shrugged. "An honest mistake."

"But you left with Steve's cousin?"

"He forgot about me when he was mingling with his family and decided to make it up to me with dinner and sex. Well, I had to coax him into the sex part," Jane's thoughts drifted to the evening she shared with Daniel. "His dead wife was right; he is loud when he makes love."

"Oh-kay then," Oliver punctuated the word 'okay'. "For the sake of the unborn baby, I hope you're _not_ the mother."

"Aww, thank you Oliver." With a smile, Jane turned to Sally. "So Sally, who did you sleep with?" This elicited an 'are you serious' type look from not only Sally, but from Susan and Oliver as well. "Well last time it wasn't Patrick."

"I'm confused; what's with this last time business? Has this happened before?"

"The night Sally and Patrick got together was the night Sally thought she was pregnant," Susan began to explain. "Jane and I acted as control tests because we all assumed we'd be negative. However, one test was positive and Sally accidentally mixed them up. I was convinced it wasn't me because I was having trouble conceiving. But miraculously it was me. So Jane narrowly avoided being impregnated by a random pizza man, and Sally didn't get knocked up from a one-night stand with a guy named Peter Wilkins."

"That's how you found out you were pregnant with Josh? Not exactly the way I expected for someone like you and Steve but it's...unique." Susan just shrugged at him. "So one of you is pregnant, but you don't know who." A puzzled look splashed across Oliver's face and he began acting all flustered. "How? I mean I watch enough television series to know how a woman knows she's pregnant. You mean to tell me you all have the same symptoms? None of you have strange cravings for anything pickle related? How can you be sure that none of you have been bitchier than usual and chalked it up to your frickin' hormones? Oh, and I'm sure none of your pants have gotten tighter around the middle! Am I to assume not a single one of you has had a frickin' bloody vagina in the last month?" As Susan opened her mouth to speak, Oliver cut her off. "Yes, I'm aware of what I said!"

Jane giggled. "Are you sure you're not the one who's pregnant, Oliver?"

"You are aware that I can't be pregnant, Jane."

"Well not _right_ now you can't; but modern science and magic has done wonders."

"Let it go Oliver," Susan spoke before Oliver had the chance to.

And then came the awkward silence again. This time it was broken by Jane asking, "Now what?"

"The logical thing to do would be to take another test. I think it's best that someone else besides Sally buy different sets of tests and we each go again."

"And by someone else you mean Oliver, right?"

Oliver did a double take. "What?"

"We trust you Oliver. You should go while us girls stay here and try to generate enough pee for another test."

"Do you know how sick, twisted, and wrong that is?"

"Do this for us, please," Jane directed a puppy dog pout to him.

"How do you expect me to purchase your pee sticks ladies?"

"We'll pay you when you get back alright!" an irritated Sally practically yelled. "Just go!"

"Alright, alright, fine," Oliver got up, fetched his jacket, and headed off in the direction opposite the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I believe I was promised one peaceful piss, thank you very much."

…

Oliver cleared his throat to get the salesgirl's attention. She stopped stocking shelves and addressed the anxious looking customer. "May I help you, sir?" She noticed the stain on his shirt. "Perhaps you'd like a stain remover for your shirt?"

"No…uh…" a quiet Oliver had his hands in his pockets and he was trying desperately not to make eye contact with the girl. "I was wondering if you…if you could direct me to…do you sell…um…I…I…I need to buy…buy…"

"I'm sorry, can you speak up?"

"P-p-p-preg-preg-pregnancy testsssss," he basically hissed out the last word.

The girl, Rachel according to the nametag, smiled at him. "Relax, sir, you're not the first man to ask me today. You'll find them in the feminine aisle, aisle eight."

"Feminine aisle? See, I'm already awkward enough as it is, and for a bloke like me to shop in that aisle _alone_ is just-"

"It's just like ripping off a Band-Aid or diving into freezing waters. Just go and get it over with."

"I was wondering if you could…I mean…if it's not too much trouble…"

"You need me to help pick one out for you?"

"Oh would you please."

"Fine," Rachel quickly finished stocking the shelf and led Oliver to aisle eight.

"Bloody hell!" Oliver was dumbfounded at how many different types of tests filled out nearly two shelves.

"Are you looking for cheapest, best results, easy to read, what are you looking for exactly?"

"It wasn't really specified. I just need at least three different types of pregnancy tests."

"Three?"

"Have to be certain, you know."

Rachel shook her head as she sighed and picked up four different tests. "Always good to have an extra just in case. Why don't I ring these up for you?"

"Oh God, thank you."

"Come on," as Rachel led Oliver to the sales counter, she was approached by another nervous man. "Do you need something, sir?"

"Yes," the man was avoiding eye contact and speaking quietly like Oliver did. "Could you tell me where I can find a…see it's actually my girlfriend who-"

"If you could wait a minute sir, I'll help you choose a pregnancy test."

"Thanks a lot."

"Hmm," Rachel continued walking on with a still dumbfounded Oliver following, "that guy makes it an even twenty today."

…

"Here," Oliver threw the store bag at the girls when he arrived back at the flat. "You ladies owe me for this."

"Thank you Oliver," Susan thanked. She turned to see him still standing there. "You can go now."

"Oh, _now_ I can go? I don't think so. After what I've just done for you, I think I deserve to find out which one of you is pregnant."

Susan groaned. "Fine."

"Well it seems only fair."

"Whatever," Susan took one of the last tests from the bag. "Why did you get four?"

"It was the salesgirl's idea that I get an extra. Don't ask me why, I did what I was told."

"Are you sure the fourth one isn't for you?" Jane asked Oliver in all seriousness.

Oliver pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Jane—and I'm saying this as sincerely as I possibly can—if you're the one who's pregnant then God help us because we're all fucked."

Jane swooned. "Thank you, Oliver; but that still didn't answer my question."

"No Jane, the fourth test is not for me."

"Well you don't have to sound so cross about it."

"Back on topic," Susan diverted the focus back to her, "the last times we made the mistake of going in our group so I think it's best that we each go in one at a time."

"Oh, there's no fun in that now is there?"

Sally shook her head. "Sorry Susan, I don't think I can go in there alone."

The three women then turned their attention to the gentleman of the group. Oliver then knew what was coming next. "Bloody hell."

…

Each time was significantly different when the women took their tests. Jane, the first one in, couldn't pee on her test without an audience so Oliver had to watch. Once she finished she handed her test to Oliver and left. In disgust, Oliver threw the test face down on the sink and washed his hands repeatedly.

Sally was the second one in. She felt a bit calmer with another person present, but unlike Jane she made Oliver look away (and Oliver was incredibly thankful for that). Once finished, Sally set her test face down on the sink beside Jane's before leaving the bathroom.

And finally it was Susan's turn. Susan was gracious enough to let Oliver leave. He literally burst into happy tears as he fled the scene and ran into the living room. That sight perplexed Jane and Sally who sat anxiously on Steve and Susan's bed waiting for their test results, but their thoughts didn't really focus on Oliver for too long.

Susan also set her test face down on the sink before stepping out of the bathroom to wait on her bed with the girls in silence. Eventually, Susan broke the tensed silence. "I got the blue line test again."

"My results will either flash the words 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'," Sally clarified. "How about your test Jane?"

"It can do more than a blue line?" Jane was not aware of different brands of pregnancy tests. "Wow, the magic of modern science can be scary sometimes."

Susan rolled her eyes and took out the box that once held Jane's test out of the bag. "Jane's results will either be a plus or minus sign. Plus sign indicates pregnant. "

"It's good that they're all different then," Sally commented.

"It is."

Jane cocked her head. "Are you sure the fourth test isn't for Oliver?"

"It's not for Oliver!"

A fourth person entered the room. "What about Oliver?"

"Well he got us four pregnancy tests when we really only needed three pregnancy tests," Jane explained.

"Oh," Steve shrugged this off. "Well I s'pose that was nice of him to do that," he pulled a shirt from his closet. "Don't mind me; I'll let you three get back to…whatever it is you're all doing. I'll go put the baby down for his nap."

Five…four…three…two…one…it was at this moment that not only did the women realize the fourth person in the room was Steve, but Steve had relayed the information that had just been given to him. He emitted a frightened noise as he ran back into the bedroom. "I'm sorry," he slowly stepped closer to the bed, "could you run that by me one more time?"

And as if they were given some kind of cue, Jeff ran into the bedroom with Oliver behind him. Jeff's mouth was agape and he was pointing in the direction of the women. Oliver, however, had his arms at his side and looked guilty. "I'm sorry, I just sort of blurted it out," Oliver nervously fessed.

"Susan," Steve knelt in front of his fiancée, "you might be pregnant?"

"Technically Sally or Jane could be the pregnant one. I mean, last time it was Susan so maybe it's Sally or Jane's turn." Steve and the girls gave Oliver icy looks. "Right, not helping, sorry."

Susan took a deep breath. "One of us," she gestured to herself and then the other two ladies, "is ten weeks pregnant."

"Ten weeks?" Steve put the pieces together. "Do you mean to tell me that one of you got knocked up on the day of my infant son's Christening?"

"It was most likely night, Dear."

"Still! How do you even know one of you is pregnant?"

"Well this is the second time today we've had to do it. There was a little mix-up earlier so Oliver was so kind enough to buy us each a different test; but one of the earlier tests was positive and the other two were negative. We were going to check the results after my two minutes had finished."

"How much more time do we have?"

Susan looked at her watch. "My two minutes ended about ten seconds ago."

…

The six adults stood in a sort of circle around the bathroom sink. Each of the tests were once again face down.

"S'pose we should look now," Oliver spoke up.

Steve nodded. "S'pose we should." He looked around. "Who's first?"

Susan took in a deep breath. "Steve, I think it's best we look at ours together. Is that alright?" Steve bobbed his head yes in reply.

Jane pouted her lips. "Well if Steve gets to find out with Susan, then I think Jeff should find out with me."

Steve let out a small laugh. "Why Jeff? It's not like he's the father or…" he got a look at Jeff. "Jeff?" Jeff looked down at the floor. "Jeff!"

Jeff lifted his head, but did not make eye contact with Steve. "Jane and I are sorta sleeping together."

"WHAT?!"

Oliver turned to Jeff. "I didn't know you and Jane were dating."

"We're not," Jeff quietly admitted.

"You and Jane are friends with benefits?" Jeff nodded. "That would be super awesome if we weren't about to look at pregnancy test results right now."

This seemed to get Jeff excited for a second. "I know, right!"

"Jeff!" Steve was still in shock.

"Would you think that us sleeping together was cool if she's not the one who's pregnant?"

"Well there's also the chance that it's not your baby," Jane point blankly stated. "I mean I did sleep with Steve's cousin Daniel that same night."

Steve's jaw nearly hit the floor. "Jane! The man had just lost his wife!"

"She probably would have wanted him to move on, wouldn't she? Now come on, let's get back to business. Jeff will look at my test with me, it's only fair. Come on now," Jane waited for Jeff to (very slowly and nervously) approach before peeking at her results.

"What about Sally? The only option she's got is Oliver," Steve looked at Oliver. "No offense."

Oliver put his hands up in a sort of surrender. "I'm just glad it's not my baby."

Sally shook her head. "I don't think I can look."

Susan put her hand on Sally's shoulder. "You know you're going to have to. It's not like you've got anything to lose this time."

"Not right away anyway, but I'll lose my figure, and…and my beauty sleep, and…oh God, I'll have the dreaded 'mummy tummy'." She flinched in disgust. "Fuck, it's going to be me; I just know it."

"You don't know that."

An excited squeal made everyone turn their attention to Jane and Jeff. Jane was bouncing up and down and Jeff had just let out a long breath. "I'm not pregnant!" She waved the negative stick up and down. "It's the minus sign! Look! Look! See! Minus sign means I'm not pregnant!" She let out another excited squeal. "Them little bastards just keep missing, don't they!" She continued doing her happy, bouncy dance.

Oliver playfully elbowed Jeff. "Now the thing about you and Jane is awesome."

Steve picked up Susan's test. "And then there were two." He didn't look at the results. "Ready?"

"Actually," Susan took her test from Steve and handed it to Sally, "I want Sally to look for us."

"What? Why?"

"Think about this from the female perspective Steve. This is a frighteningly, nerve-wracking, life changing test result. I'd like to get news like this from someone I trust than find out myself."

"That's why I'm looking too!"

"Steve."

Steve let out an agonized moan. "Fine! Either way this whole thing is completely screwed up."

Susan handed her test to Sally, and then picked up Sally's test. "Count of three?"

Sally nodded. "One…"

"Two…"

The two friends took a deep breath and in sync they quietly called out, "Three."

Steve and Susan both peered down at Sally's test as Sally glanced at Susan's results.

"Oh God."

Curious, Jane inched closer to Steve and Susan while Jeff and Oliver went over to Sally's side.

"I uh…" Oliver rubbed the back of his neck, "I guess congratulations are in order. I'm going to go get ready for my date now," he gave a quick, yet still awkward goodbye wave as he left.

"I'll just wait in the living room then," Jeff put his hands in his pocket and shuffled out of the bathroom.

"I'll wait with Jeff. Susan, are you coming with me?" Susan shook her head trying to keep cool. Steve gave her a comforting kiss and rubbed her back consolingly. "Take as much time as you need," he whispered as he left her alone with the other women.

…

Steve gently tapped on the closed bedroom door. "Susan, are you ready to come out now?"

Jane opened the door a crack. "Now's not a good time Steve."

"Okay, well, maybe...maybe I could talk to her."

"I don't think so."

"Perhaps if I brought Joshua in it might…" Jane shook her head no. "No?"

"It's going to take some time for this to sink in."

"So pizza?" Jane nodded. "Right, figured. Just let Susan know I'm ordering dinner." Jane nodded again before closing the door. With a sigh, Steve slowly went back to the living room where Jeff sat on the couch. "Still consoling her." Jeff let out an understanding sort of sound while Steve twiddled with his fingers. "That look on her face though," he formed that image in his mind. "Don't think I've ever seen her so petrified." They sat there for a few moments before Steve stood up. "I should probably order the pizza now."

As Steve went into the kitchen, Jane came into the living room. "Hi," she sat beside Jeff.

"Hello," Jeff reluctantly greeted back.

"So."

"So?"

"Dodged a bullet there didn't we?"

"Yeah," more tensed silence followed. "So this is the second negative for you in a year?"

"As far as they know."

Jeff finally turned to face her. "You've had other scares?"

Jane nodded. "And each time negative." She sighed. "I'm starting to think I'm never going to be able to have a baby."

"Do you want one?"

"I think we all want a baby—the girls and me I mean." Jeff nodded in understanding. "It's probably a lot to take in at the moment, but she just needs some time." Jane cuddled up to him. "But do you want to know a secret?"

"What?"

"I was secretly hoping I was going to have your baby."

"Really?"

"We're both unlucky people living in misery. Be nice to have something worthwhile in our lives, wouldn't it?"

"Guess so."

She rested her head on his chest. "Jeff?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think there's something more to our relationship than just sex?"

They looked into each other's eyes for a moment before vehemently shaking their heads no. "Nah!" they agreed together.

Steve came back into the living room some time later. He acknowledged his presence by clearing his throat. This action startled Jane enough to free from Jeff's embrace and sit up on the couch. "Am I interrupting anything?"

"No."

"Right then," he sat in his living chair. "Pizza should arrive in about twenty minutes."

"It took you that long to order pizza?" Jeff questioned.

"I had to make a couple more phone calls; my mum being one of them." Jeff shrugged this off. "Jane, how come you're not in there with Susan?"

"It was getting quite boring," Jane admitted. "Came out here to find something on the telly. I'm not the therapizing type of person."

"Clearly."

A sullen looking Oliver entered the flat. "Sorry I didn't knock," he slumped onto the floor beside Jeff.

"What are you doing back so soon? I don't even think you've been gone half an hour."

Jeff looked down at his friend. "Date didn't go too well?"

"She brought along her husband," Oliver informed.

"Husband?"

"She didn't think it was a romantic date. I asked her to dinner using the ruse to discuss _Doctor Who_ and she took it seriously! She didn't tell me she had a husband."

"Wouldn't it have said her relationship status on her forum profile?"

"Ah…didn't think to read that. Prob'ly should have also told her it was a dinner for two. Gave them my reservation as a sort of apology; it got me out of paying for dinner anyway." Oliver sat up, reached into his pockets, pulled out a condom, and handed it to Steve. "Won't be needing this mate."

Steve took the prophylactic with reluctant disgust. "Thank you Oliver."

"I'm still gonna borrow _Lesbian Spank Inferno_ though."

"At this point, I really don't care."

"Sally in there with Susan?" Steve nodded. "She okay?"

"I'm sure she will be; she just needs some time."

"So I guess everyone knows about this now?"

Jeff squirmed in his seat. "I don't think _everyone_ knows."

…

The knocking on the closed bedroom door made Susan huff in exasperation. "Not now, Steve!"

"I'm not Steve," the voice on the other side replied.

A slightly confused Susan got up and opened the door. "Patrick?" A worried looking Patrick stood at the other end of the door with his hands in his pockets trying not to shake. "Did one of them phone you?" He nodded. "God, I don't think I've ever seen you look so freaked."

"They wouldn't tell me what's going on."

"Oh." Susan bit her lip. "They probably wanted her to tell you for herself. Trust me, it's not as bad as you think it is Patrick."

"Can I just see Sally…please?"

Susan nodded. "I'll leave you two alone." She closed the door as she left.

Patrick let out his breath and slowly made his way to the bed where Sally sat staring down at the floor. He carefully sat beside her. "You can't imagine how panicked I was when Steve phoned and said I needed to get here right away. Wouldn't even tell me what's wrong." He took a quick look at Sally, who in turn kept her gaze fixated on the floor. "Sally, what exactly is wrong?" Sally didn't answer. "Do I have to keep asking questions until I get it right? You and I both know that could go on forever." Without looking up, she pointed to the bathroom. "Something wrong with the plumbing?"

"On the sink," she muttered. Patrick raised his eyebrows in confusion, but got up anyway to investigate what she meant. Sally lifted her head to see his reaction. When he realized what was going on, he turned around and looked at her in surprise. "I'm pregnant."

"Yeah, I kinda…I kinda figured that."

"I've taken the test three times today on three different sticks; every single one of them positive."

He joined her on the bed. "And?"

"Don't you get it Patrick? I can't be pregnant."

"Well you _could_ but…" she glared at him, "nature wise _I'm_ the one who can't be pregnant." She buried her face in her hands and moaned. "I don't understand, I thought you wanted a baby."

She lowered her hands. "Eventually, Patrick, I want a baby _eventually_. I wanted to wait until we were at least married before we even consider started a family, or at least until we had a house. For Christ's sake we're still living in separate apartments. We could have at least decided on living arrangements before involving another living person! We just can't have a baby now. I keep forgetting I have a cat to take care of! How can I be expected to take care of a baby?"

"Do you want my opinion?"

Sally rolled her eyes expecting him to say something stupid or demeaning (or both). "Enlighten me, Patrick."

"We're not getting any younger."

"And there it is," she said aloud.

"I have a point to that statement."

"Oh, do you now?"

"We're in our thirties, we've got some financial stability, we've each settled down with the person we love, and we both want children at some point in our lives." Sally looked at him in surprise. "If we keep putting it off it might be too late for us. I mean, look how difficult it was for Susan to conceive and she's younger than you. I don't think there's a better time than now."

"I'm sorry; you actually want to father a child?"

He grinned at her. "Only if you mother it."

Sally soon found herself both laughing, crying, and letting Patrick wipe away her tears. "Patrick, we're going to have a baby."

"Yes we are," he cupped her face in his hands and slowly pulled her in for a kiss. "Never thought I'd be looking forward to being a dad," they each laughed at this. "Be nice not to have a kid hate me for no good reason." Sally rolled her eyes at that as she let him wrap his arms around her. They sat like that on Steve and Susan's bed for some time before Patrick broke the silence. "Sally."

"Yes, Darling."

"You are only having one baby right?"

Sally twisted her face in slight confusion. "What?"

"You said you took three tests today?" Sally nodded. "And you're sure you're not having three babies?"

"The number of tests does not determine the number of children, Patrick."

"Right, good, just checking."

…

"Today was…" Susan tried to find the right term to use, "… _interesting_. For lack of a better word."

"It was kind of strange to have a dramatic moment today," Jane inputted.

Steve made a strange face. "I never thought I'd say this, but Jane's right."

"I never thought I'd hear it," Oliver added.

"I mean look at the way things have been for us. Has anything been as remotely taxing as what happened today?"

Jeff thought about this. "I dunno, it seems like our daily lives are supposed to be nothing but comical misunderstandings and sex." Jeff's eyes seemed to bug out. "Sorta like _The Truman Show_."

The others looked at him confused. Naturally, Steve was the first one to speak up. "I hesitate to ask why you think that, but one of us has to at some point."

"Truman didn't know his whole life was being broadcasted to the world on the telly and everything that happened was planned, or set, or scripted. What if our lives are like that? Like one big _Truman Show_ and we're all like Truman. Right now someone, somewhere, is observing what's happening between us right now." He cringed. "Spooky."

"That has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard you say. Who in their right mind would be interested in watching our goings-ons anyway?"

Jeff thought about that. "Yeah, you're probably right."


	5. Girls, Girls, Girls

A mutual(ish) decision had finally been made!

It started in early November while Sally helped Susan plan for Joshua's first birthday. Well, Susan did the birthday planning; Sally was too preoccupied planning her own wedding. After listing detail after detail after detail, Susan made the mistake of asking, "Do you think that's all possible?"

"What?"

"Well it sounds like a wedding like that would cost a fortune."

"Just a couple thousand or so," Sally said that as if it was no big deal. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I have been settling for the basic, cheaper wedding necessities."

"Like an ice sculpture?"

"It adds class."

"Have you asked Patrick what he thinks about all this?"

Sally suddenly burst into a laughing fit. She kept it up until she saw the serious look on Susan's face. "Oh, you're being serious?"

"It's his wedding too!"

"I doubt he cares about the arranging and the planning; most men don't."

"Okay, what about guests? You said you didn't want a lot of guests, your family included."

"Well I hate my family."

"What about Patrick's family?"

"Oh, _them_ ," she sounded bitter when she emphasized the pronoun, "those morons all think it's a joke and decided to spare themselves of witnessing what they call a disaster waiting to happen. They still refuse to believe Patrick's settled."

"Plus you want to avoid inviting most of our female acquaintances—save for Jane, Tamsin, and myself—on the off chance they might have slept with Patrick."

"Exactly."

"And what about the baby?"

"What baby?"

Susan looked aghast at that remark. "Your baby!"

"Oh, _that_ baby."

"Yes, _that_ baby! If you spend a fortune on your wedding, how are you going to afford to take care of your child?"

Sally pretended to give that a second thought. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Sally!"

"Well what's wrong with wanting something for myself? It's going to be rather difficult for me to be selfish anymore; so I would like to enjoy indulging myself while I still can. It's bad enough I'll have to shop in maternity now. I didn't even tell you that I found my perfect wedding dress. It was incredibly gorgeous, and it was on sale! On sale! But thanks to this…this… _thing_ inside of me, I can't buy my dream wedding dress! I won't be able to buy my dream anything anymore! I'm losing everything; my cat, my apartment, my alcohol, and worst of all, my figure!" Sally burst into tears and flung herself into Susan's arms.

Confused (and even a bit startled) Susan just started rubbing Sally's back consolingly, obviously not knowing what to do. "There, there," she ended up saying.

"It's so unfair!" Sally let out a loud, sad wail and continued to sob.

Steve happened to pass by this scene en route to the kitchen. "Hormones," he muttered as he walked away.

"Come on Sally," Susan pried Sally out of her arms, "you've got to think about the positives of pregnancy."

Sally sniffled. "Like what?"

"Um…pregnant women are supposed to take it easier so they get more time to relax."

"What else?"

"Ooh, the baby shower! Girls only, no men, free baby gifts; you like all those things."

Sally was calming down a bit. "They're not all that bad."

"And once upon a time I remember a four-way phone call where you talked about why it's good for pregnant women to have sex. Now you've got a man who's good at it. Bonus: he seems to enjoy sex with pregnant women."

This seemed to get Sally to stop crying. "I didn't think of that."

"Put more planning on the baby; Steve and I did that."

"Yes, but I would prefer if my child wasn't born a bastard."

"All the more reason to have a quick, cost efficient wedding. The things you want for a wedding take months to prepare and by the time you get everything ready you'd be ready to pop." Sally gasped. "Just have a small wedding and a party, and forego spending on a honeymoon. Spend money on a new dress, some cheap flowers, and a quaint little place for a small amount of people. That way you'll have more money for the baby."

"I suppose I could save up for a new maternity wardrobe…" an idea crossed Sally's mind, "…and a complete new wardrobe for the baby."

"There you go!"

"Plus Patrick likes to keep everything simple and less complicated; so a small wedding is more his style—which implies I actually considered what _he_ likes in a wedding."

"Exactly!"

"And if I get married soon: I would have not only beaten you to the altar, but my child wouldn't be born a bastard."

Susan was a bit offended by that, but like a good friend she let Sally have her moment. "That's the spirit!"

"Alright, you've talked me into it!"

"Atta girl!"

Sally looked down at her wedding preparation list and sighed. "I suppose all these wedding plans will go to waste."

"They don't have to; you can plan someone else's wedding."

"Whose? All my friends are either married, gay, or Jane."

"Hey!"

"Except you." Sally's eyes lit up. "Except you!"

Susan became a little scared. "Sally?"

"I'll plan _your_ wedding!"

"No!"

"What? Why not? I know you and Steve; I know your likes, your dislikes, your tastes in things, and you would only have to pay everyone but me!"

"But Sally-"

"Besides, people love you. You've got more friends, you still talk to your family, and you're still civil with your exes—all of whom approve of you with Steve. They'd all want to be invited to your wedding. You would have to make it a big wedding to accommodate everyone."

"Sally-"

"And if you say no: not only will I go ahead with my own dream wedding, but you won't be my bridesmaid."

"That's not fair!"

"Susan please, I'm making a lot of sacrifices; planning your wedding is something that will make me…I mean _us_ happy. If I can't get married the way I want to, let me at least help you get married the way you want to. Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!"

"Oh…" Susan fidgeted a bit before officially telling her, "fine!"

"Oh Susan, thank you!" Sally flung her arms around Susan. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

"Please don't make me regret this. Now can we please get back to planning Joshua's birthday?"

"I'm visualizing a spring wedding. And we can't have you wearing the white dress now can we? I'm going to be a bridesmaid, naturally, so I'm going to have to find the perfect color scheme to go with your off white dress."

With a moan, Susan put her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes realizing what she got herself into. "Bollocks." Midway through Sally's one-sided conversation, Susan stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"I suddenly need a drink," Susan went into the kitchen where Steve sat at the table eating some junk food and reading a magazine.

"Hello Darling," he greeted her as he kept his eyes on the magazine.

"Hello Dear," Susan got herself a glass, the wine, and started pouring the wine into the glass. It was all in silence until she asked, "Steve, you love me right?"

"Right."

"And we are going to get married at some point?"

Steve looked up at her with his eyebrows raised in confusion. "At some point, yes."

"And we can never stay mad at each other for too long can we?"

"Susan, what did you do?"

"Well…"

In the living area, Sally was blissfully making adjustments on her list when Steve's cry of, "YOU DID WHAT!?" rang throughout the flat.

Hence a mutual(ish) decision being made.

And while it took some time for Steve to come to terms with what the girls had agreed upon, the decision didn't faze Patrick a bit. When Sally told him later that day how everything was going to be he simply shrugged and said, "Sounds easy enough. You know I don't care about the planning and girly junk; just so long as it makes you happy."

"Aww," Sally swooned, "you're so sexy when you care."

Patrick flashed her a seductive look. "Sexy, you say?"

Needless to say what happened afterwards—on the sofa because they couldn't contain themselves long enough to make it to the bedroom—made Patrick happy as well.

…

Granted Patrick and Sally's wedding wasn't an extravagant affair, but it was still pretty special. Much to everyone's surprise, nothing remotely embarrassing happened. No seriously, nothing remotely blush or cringe worthy happened. Thanks to Patrick—yes, Patrick—they were able to get a banquet hall for a New Year's Wedding without paying a dime (provided they supply their own food and they clean up any mess). The owner of the hall owed Patrick a favor for some mysterious reason. The girls and Oliver spent their New Year's Eve cooking the food (Oliver was surprisingly a fantastic cook), Sally spent the night at Steve and Susan's, Patrick stayed at his flat, and as for Jeff, he didn't watch porn that night convinced that it would ensure he wouldn't do anything embarrassing.

"I didn't watch porn last night," Jeff greeted Steve the following morning.

Okay, maybe that was slightly cringe-worthy on Steve's part. "Hello to you too, Jeff."

The purpose of Jeff meeting with Steve in the morning was so the two of them (and Oliver) would load their cars with food and deliver it to the banquet hall. Jane joined them at the hall a little while later to make sure everything was set up and help with any last minute decorating. Most of the miscellaneous guests—that Patrick _hadn't_ slept with—and the priest began arriving at eleven with the groom himself showing up around ten-thirty contrived to mingle and receive congratulations (in addition to the ever popular "I can't believe _the_ Patrick Maitland is getting married").

Susan, on the other hand, was responsible for assisting the bride and the ring bearer. While Sally was in the shower, Susan spent thirty minutes training Joshua to be on his best behavior. The thirteen month old was currently going through the 'throwing phase' where he threw something and expected someone else to get it back for him. Unfortunately, Joshua made sure whatever he was holding was thrown directly at Patrick whenever Patrick was around (having still not liked Patrick for whatever reason). But Joshua was a smart baby; he was understanding some gestures and the word 'no'.

"Joshua," Susan pretended like she was throwing, "no throw," she repeated those words with the throwing gesture and a disapproving look until Sally came out of the shower ready to be made over. Susan then helped with Sally's makeup before Sally kicked Susan out of the bedroom so she could do her own hair and change into her dress. While Sally spent the next two hours and five minutes doing that (a record time), Susan worked on own her look—an elegant ponytail and a small amount of makeup—before helping her son get ready by dressing him in a suit and gelling his hair. When she finished, she laughed with delight. "Don't you look handsome?"

"No tow," Joshua did the throwing gesture after he spoke. Not too long ago, he had started talking. While what Josh said was mostly gibberish baby babble, sometimes he tried to form complete statements such as 'no throw'.

"That's right," Susan gave her son a kiss. "Come on, let's make sure Aunt Sally isn't having a breakdown," She carried her son to her room. "Sally," she tapped on the closed door, "Sally, are you decent enough?"

"Oh good, come in," following Sally's reply, Susan opened the door. Sally stood in the center of the room smoothing out her long, sleeveless, off-white dress and then pushing some strands of hair back. "I don't look too fat in this do I?"

Susan's eyes started watering. "Oh Sally," by this point the tears were coming down, "you look so beautiful."

"Susan, don't cry."

"Sorry," Susan wiped away her tears and regained focus. "I really shouldn't cry; don't want to get you crying too."

"I'm not going to cry. I just don't want you to ruin your mascara," they shared a laugh for some reason. "So you do like the dress?"

"Sally I love it, and Patrick will too."

Sally scoffed. "Please, I know Patrick. He prefers me without any clothes on."

Susan laughed. "Come on, let's get going."

In grand wedding tradition, Susan acted as the chauffer, driving the bride and ring bearer to the wedding. Nearing the hall, she phoned Steve and told him to get everything ready. Steve had to tell everyone to take their seats, tell Jane to wait outside for Susan, tell Oliver to be on standby, and tell Patrick and Jeff to wait at the "altar", and then run outside to meet up with Susan. In addition to being a sort of "co-organizer", Steve also had to carry the ring bearer down the "aisle". He and Jane stood there by the front doors as Susan got Joshua out of his car seat and brought her son over to his father.

"Da!" Joshua yelled when he saw his father.

It was moments like that that caused Steve's heart to melt and his face break into a goofy grin. "Hello you," he happily took his son and gave him a kiss and a hug. "Don't you look handsome?" Susan cleared her throat. "Hello Susan." Susan raised one eyebrow to him and Steve realized what needed to be added. "My, you look lovely."

Susan rolled her eyes and kissed her fiancée. "Everything all set?"

"Yep, just ready to get started."

"Right, tell Oliver we're ready to start; he'll tell Patrick, Jeff, the priest, and the portable keyboard player before meeting you back outside the room's double doors. Once the music starts he'll open the door, and you walk Joshua down the aisle like we rehearsed. Are Tamsin and Fiona here?" Fiona was Tamsin's daughter and the wedding's flower girl.

"They just arrived before you did."

"Where are they now?"

"It was the weirdest thing; Tamsin's daughter had melty brown stuff over her arm and Tamsin carried her into the loo to wash it off. I'm not sure if the melty brown stuff was chocolate or…well Tamsin's still cleaning whatever it is off."

"Then you'll have to wait for them because they walk behind you and Josh. Jane," Jane was staring at her nails. "Jane!" Jane still stared at her nails. "Oh my god, there's that gorgeous pizza delivery man."

This got Jane's attention. "Where?" She then pouted when she couldn't find him. "Bugger!"

"Focus please," Jane turned to Susan, "you pair up with Oliver and follow Tamsin and Fiona down the aisle, then I follow you, the music changes, and Sally comes down the aisle, we deal with the ceremony, have the reception, and go home."

"Oh, I won't be going home."

"I don't care. Do you understand what you're supposed to do here?" Jane nodded. "Fine, good, go inside, I'll get Sally." Susan waited for the others to go inside before escorting Sally out of the car. "You ready?" Sally nodded. "Then come on; go and beat me to the altar."

There wasn't really much else to it. Both bride and groom didn't back down last minute and got married (and nearly all of Patrick's friends lost their bets). They kept the ceremony short and sweet and then proceeded to the reception, which seemed to go as expected; Oliver tried (and failed) to flirt with women, Jane snuck off for a couple of quickies with Jeff and a couple of Patrick's other friends, Sally spent most of the party wishing for alcohol, Susan asked Steve to dance a few times despite his constant refusals, Jeff tried not to picture everyone naked (having regretted his decision not to watch porn), and Patrick…well, no one was really sure what went on with Patrick.

"What do you think Patrick's thinking about?" Steve asked Jeff as they stood in front of the refreshment table.

"Breasts," Jeff bluntly answered.

"No Jeff, that's what _you're_ thinking of."

"I won't deny that; but Patrick is thinking of gettin' out of here, taking Sally back to their flat, and getting her naked so that he can see her breasts."

Steve shrugged. "Sounds plausible."

"I mean her breasts essentially belong to him now; he's the only man who has access to them whenever he likes." Jeff's eyes widened. "I really should start thinking about getting married now." Jeff's jaw dropped in another thought. "Then I should get her pregnant."

"Excuse you?"

"It's not so much for a baby—though that's cool too, I guess—but it's for the suddenly enlarged breasts."

"Can we ever go a day without you mentioning breasts?"

"And don't get me started on the breastfeeding!"

"No."

"Hello gents," Patrick went over to his friends.

"Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Sally Harper," Patrick playfully swatted at him, "but seriously, congratulations."

Jeff poured himself a drink. "Yeah, congratulations you lucky bastard."

"Let it go, Jeff."

"Let what go?" Patrick inquired.

"Don't mind him, it's a breast thing."

"Oh, so you noticed Sally's breasts?"

"Can we move onto another topic please?"

"Like what?"

"Something that doesn't involve your wife's breasts."

"Feels weird using that word in regards to Patrick," Jeff tested how that phrase sounded. "Sally is Patrick's _wife_. That's gonna take some time to get used to"

"Well, she is his wife now."

"Yeah, and she's also having his baby. Betcha never thought that would ever happen, hey Patrick?" Jeff noticed Patrick wasn't paying attention. "Patrick!"

"Huh?" Patrick was brought back to reality. "Sorry, were you talking to me?"

Steve looked at what Patrick was staring at and became disgusted. "Were you looking at another woman's breasts?"

"Before I say anything that will either confirm or deny it, yes I was looking at that woman's breasts. Dammit!"

"And on your wedding day too," Jeff added. "Excellent."

"So I looked at another woman's breasts? I'm a bloke, it's automatic. You're one to talk Steve: you're in a committed relationship with Susan and I see you taking a gander at other women sometimes."

Steve tried to find a way to weasel his way out of that. "Well…I'm a bloke, it's automatic."

"It's a habit. Habits are hard to break sometimes."

"Hello boys," Susan inserted herself in between them so that she could help herself to a drink. "Indulging in a little guy talk?"

"Hello Susan, helping yourself to _another_ glass of champagne?"

"Helping organizing this wedding and mingling with people is exhausting. I need something to take the edge off. Congratulations again, Patrick."

"Thank you Susan."

"And I know it's not my place to decide what you should do, but you should go talk to Sally. I think she's heading for another mini anxiety attack."

"Why?"

"She's convinced she saw you looking at another woman's breasts."

Okay, so maybe there was one little incident that Patrick couldn't lie his way out of. Surprisingly, Sally was okay with him admitting it. As long as he was honest about it, she would let it slide. Hell, Sally even admitted she was looking at that women's breasts as well—the girl was busty, wearing a low cut dress, and wasn't wearing a bra; it was hard to avoid.

And for Patrick, Sally's confession was a major turn on.

They kept the party going for another half hour or so before Sally shoved her bouquet at Susan and left with her husband to their flat. Like a good husband he carried her over the threshold despite her condition. So to make it up to him, Sally decided to give him a nice backrub. It felt better doing nice things for one another for sex now that they were married. And in all honesty it made the sex better too.

So far Patrick and Sally seemed to be enjoying married life.

…

Sally rolled over to her side of the bed around two in the morning on January 2nd. "Wow."

"Yeah," Patrick agreed. "Wanna go again?" Sally playfully slapped him. "What, I'm serious?"

"Well I'm tired; I don't have enough energy for another go. Besides, it's past two in the morning."

"So?"

"So you've got work and I've got a doctor's appointment later."

"I probably should have scheduled the day off, maybe the whole week; I am sort of on my honeymoon after all." Patrick turned his head toward Sally. "You want me to take off and go with you to your thing?"

"No it's alright, you go to work; Susan and Jane are going with me."

"Jane's going too?"

"She's fascinated by the ultrasound process…or the ultrasound technician, I'm still not sure. Susan said she wanted to be there for me but I think she wants to find out the sex."

"Of the ultrasound technician?"

Sally couldn't help but laugh at that. "No, of the baby."

"Our baby?" Sally nodded. "They can do that?" Sally nodded again. "Should we find out?"

"I think we should. Susan told me she regretted not finding out. By finding out the sex we can be better prepared and I can start on the baby's wardrobe, and we can start planning names. You and I both don't like being surprised either; I don't see any reason why we shouldn't find out." Sally gave him a quick kiss. "Good night, Darling."

There was silence for a minute or two before Patrick broke it. "Well, alright, if that's what you want."

"What I want is to go to sleep. Patrick, Darling, I love you, but will you please shut up?"

Following a longer bout of silence, Patrick once again disturbed it with a delayed, "I love you too," making an irritated Sally cover her face with her pillow and groan.

…

Somehow, another office pool had been e-mailed to Patrick. Given the topic was _How Long will Patrick's Marriage Last_ it was most likely not supposed to go to him.

One of his female coworkers saw him look over it. "That one right there," she pointed to 'until she kills him for sleeping around', "that was Ian Schuler if you want to kick his ass."

Patrick let out a small laugh before greeting his co-worker. "Hello Lesley."

"Laura."

"Laura?"

"I've been working here as long as you have and we've slept together twice."

"Oh. Did you do something to your hair?"

Laura rolled her eyes. "For what it's worth: me and a couple of other girls around the office think your marriage will last."

"Thanks."

"I mean most guys didn't put the baby into consideration. Most relationships last longer when there's a kid involved." Patrick shrugged. "Oh, I got you something," Laura handed him a gift bag. "A sort of consolation for me not being able to attend your wedding."

Patrick took the gift out of the bag and looked over it. "A photo frame?"

"There's another one in there; it was a matching set." It was clear from the look on his face that Patrick didn't understand why this was being gifted to him. "It's for your desk."

"But there's no photo in it."

Laura laughed. "You're supposed to supply the photo. You know how most people have photos of their loved ones at their desk?" Patrick shrugged again. "Well I thought you'd like to put up a picture of Sally and the baby."

"Well that's very thoughtful of you Lizzie…"

"Laura."

"…thank you."

"So?"

Patrick looked around in confusion. "So what?"

"Do you know what you're having?"

"A baby?" Patrick was confused.

"The sex, Patrick!"

Patrick held up his left hand and pointed the band of gold around his finger. "Sorry, I'm married now."

Laura growled in annoyance. "Do you know the sex of your baby? Are you having a boy or a girl?"

"Ah, that makes more sense. I was wondering why you would want to have sex; I mean we're both married and-"

"Do you know your baby's gender or not?"

"No, not yet."

"If you do find out let us know alright; the girls and I would like to buy gifts."

"Yeah, that'd be great, thanks."

"Better get back to work then?" Patrick nodded. "And congratulations; out of all the women you've been with, I'm glad you ended up with Sally."

"Thank you; your husband is a lucky man too, Lucy."

Laura sighed (there was really no point to correcting him now, or ever). She waved goodbye as she walked away, "See you round, Patrick."

Patrick smiled "Lovely woman." He then picked up the transparent model race car on his desk and drove it up the wall all the while making car noises. "Go! Go! Go!"

…

"Can I have this?" Jeff asked Oliver as he held up an action figure for Marge Simpson.

Oliver raised an eyebrow to him. "You're not going to use her for anything sexual are you?" Jeff set the action figure back down. "Oh, go ahead," Oliver allowed. "I was so desperate one time that I stole my sister's favorite Snow White Barbie Doll. She busted me, naturally."

Jeff picked the action figure up again. "Yeah?"

"Don't know what happened to that doll afterwards; but the next day my sister threw away all of her Barbie clothes…and dolls—actually, now I think I remember what happened to that Snow White Barbie Doll."

"I don't know why they say it's unnatural for men to be attracted to the Disney princesses. I mean, sometimes they are based off of real, attractive people."

"Exactly! Did you know that Sleeping Beauty's willowy body shape was based off of Audrey Hepburn?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, and Ariel from _The_ _Little Mermaid_ , remember her?"

Jeff did a sly laugh at that. "How could I forget Ariel?"

"Well part of her design was based off of Alyssa Milano from _Who's the Boss_ and _Charmed_. Which reminds me: I gotta put in a bid for some _Charmed_ DVDs. It's airing its final season in the states right now."

"Yeah, it's like we're perverts for being attracted to cartoon characters. We can't help that the Disney princesses are very attractive. Their princes fall in love with them for their beauty after all. It's only natural for regular blokes like us to be attracted. Though you could argue it's perverted because the princesses are all like sixteen."

"Anyway, when it comes to hot, animated females only one sticks out for me. And I guarantee, she is not a Disney princess _or_ sixteen years old."

Jeff not only did that sly laugh, but he nodded as well. "Oh yeah."

"Jessica Rabbit," the two agreed together.

"Perfect amalgamation of some of the best classic actresses," Oliver stated with utmost enthusiasm. "You got Rita Hayworth, Veronica Lake, Betty Grable, Lauren Bacall, maybe with a hint of Mae West and Marilyn Monroe combined to make one of the hottest silver screen females."

"You know: I never paid attention to the movie unless Jessica was on." Jeff paused. "How does a bloke like Roger bag a girl like that anyway?"

"Jessica loves him because he _makes her laugh_ ," Oliver sarcastically emphasized that last part. "Total bull shit if you ask me."

"We make women laugh and we don't have girls like Jessica Rabbit."

"Yeah, but we make women laugh for the wrong reasons."

"What are we doing wrong?"

"Well, we're socially awkward nerds obsessed with sex who always say the wrong things. What _aren't_ we doing wrong?"

"You think they have places for guys like us to go to so that we can meet women who might find us attractive?"

"Why do you think I opened a comic book shop?"

"Good point."

"Though so far the only women who've came into this shop are with their boyfriends, husbands, sons, or female partner. I mean, it's not like the perfect single woman is going to walk through this door any time soon."

Almost instantly after that last word was uttered, Jeff and Oliver turned their attention to the door.

…

"Ugh, no," Sally crinkled her face in disgust before hurling another video tape—one labeled 'Ursula'—into a large, black garbage bag with other video tapes labeled with other various female names.

An impatient Susan stood outside Patrick's cupboard with an equally impatient Jane nearby. "Sally, are you almost done? We do have our own lives you know."

"Plus Susan and I have already carried ten bags to the dump already," Jane added.

Sally threw in the last of the videos and stood up. "Now it's twelve bags." The women surveyed the cupboard with the practically bare shelves (save for a few _actual_ videos). "And this marks the end of the Cupboard of Patrick's Love. Thanks again for taking these to the dump for me."

"No problem," Susan picked up one of the bags. "See you tomorrow."

Jane picked up the final bag. "Bye Sally," she followed Susan to the door just as Patrick entered his flat. "Bye Patrick."

Patrick shrugged this off as he shut his door. "Sally, I'm home!" he made his way into the living where Sally was now sitting on the sofa. "I figured you'd be home too when I passed Susan and Jane on the way out."

Sally patted the empty seat beside her. "Come sit down so we can talk."

"I didn't sleep with her!"

"What?"

"Sorry, it's automatic," Patrick took a seat beside Sally. "What's up?"

"The girls and I went shopping today."

"When you say 'the girls'-"

"Of course I mean Susan and Jane."

"Right, it's just when I hear 'girls' I tend to think of your-"

"Anyway," she picked up a bag that was sitting on the side of the sofa, "Jane wanted to go to an erotic store. So we did, and this little number caught my eye. I couldn't help myself and I made a naughty purchase." She stood up and emptied the bag. Sally then threw the bag aside and modeled her purchase for her husband. "You like it?"

"Wow."

"I'll take that as a yes," Sally threw the lingerie at him. "I'm surprised they even made maternity lingerie."

"Kudos to whoever came up with that idea."

"I got some other things to show you too." Patrick did a seductive chuckle earning an eye roll from his wife. "No, nothing like that; but I think you're going to like it."

"Are you sure you went shopping?"

"Why did you ask that?"

"Because I hardly see any shopping bags. Usually when you go shopping with Susan and Jane you come back with at least a dozen shopping bags."

"We only went to a couple stores. I would have gone to more but there was something I wanted to do here and I was getting tired."

"You did go to the doctor like you were supposed to?" Patrick asked with concern.

"Yes, that was the first place we went." Sally reached into another bag, pulled out an envelope, and handed it to Patrick.

"You bought an envelope?" He opened it. "Did you know there's something inside it already?"

"Yes, I did Patrick."

A realization hit Patrick. "Oh, this envelope is for me."

"Yes, it is Patrick. I want you to see what's inside." Sally watched with anticipation as Patrick took out what was inside the envelope. She anxiously bit her lip as he looked the item over. "Well?"

"Is this an ultrasound photo?"

"Yep."

"Huh," he continued to stare at the image (obviously trying to figure out what the heck he was looking at) when he pointed at something in particular. "What's this big, gray blob?"

"That big, gray blob is our daughter."

"No kidding?" Patrick continued to stare at the ultrasound photo. His eyes suddenly widened as he realized what Sally said. "Daughter?" Sally nodded her head enthusiastically while Patrick tilted the picture around. "How the bloody hell can you tell?" He kept tilting the photo with a puzzled look on his face.

"Stop trying to figure it out or you'll tire yourself. Aren't you excited?"

"Well yeah, but I'd like to be able to see my own kid properly."

"Aww," Sally swooned.

"What?"

"You sound like a father already," she gave him a kiss before getting up. "Well, I'm going to go change into something more _comfortable_ ," she took the lingerie that rested on his lap and went into their bedroom.

Still perplexed, Patrick tilted both his head and the picture. "Seriously, how do they know it's even human?"

"Are you coming?" Sally called to him from the bedroom.

"Coming," he quickly set the photo back in the envelope on the coffee table and hurried into the bedroom, all the while taking his clothes off. Once he was down to his boxers, he laid on the bed. "Ready!" Sally pulled back the bathroom curtains to reveal herself in the maternity lingerie. "Wow," was all an awed Patrick could utter.

Sally seductively made her way over to the bed. "Come on Rocketman; fly me to the moon."

…

_The Next Day_

"Alright," Steve took his usual seat at the bar where Patrick was waiting, "what's the emergency?"

"I can't have sex with my wife," Patrick flat out told him.

Steve blinked in surprise. "I'm sorry: you're willingly denying sex with Sally? You're willingly denying _sex_?" He leaned back in his seat. "The world is going mad."

"It's not that I don't want to have sex—believe me, I do—it's just that I can't. And not just with Sally; I don't think I can have sex with any women anymore."

Steve turned his head expecting Jeff to say something, but surprisingly Jeff wasn't there. "I'm surprised Jeff isn't here for this."

"What do I do?"

"Wh—wha…this is a huge bombshell. What brought this on?"

"I don't know if you realize Steve, but I'm going to be a father."

Steve twisted his face in confusion. "I'm pretty sure we're aware of that by this point."

"I'm going to be a father to a little girl."

"Now that I didn't know. Congratulations Patrick."

"Don't congratulate me! I'm going to have a daughter!"

"What, did you want a son?"

"I had actually forgotten we could find out what we were having before the delivery. Last night Sally tells me it's a girl, gives me the ultrasound photo, and then changes into some sexy maternity lingerie."

"Well that story took an unexpected turn."

"Midway through the sex—and before we get to the excellent stuff—Sally suddenly yells 'oh my God' and pulls away with her hand on her middle. I ask her what's wrong, she grabs my hand, puts it on her stomach, and suddenly I feel this weird bump against my palm."

"You mean the baby kicked?"

"My daughter kicked me! She's actually alive in there."

"Well yeah, of course your daughter's alive in there!"

"Then it dawns on me what Sally and I are doing."

"Need I remind you that what Sally and you were doing conceived your daughter in the first place. And haven't you've had sex with a pregnant woman before?"

"Yes, but that woman wasn't having _my_ baby! Her baby didn't suddenly become active while we were having sex."

"Alright, that's understandable. So what happened after your baby kicked?"

"I thought one of the worst thoughts you can think of."

"What?"

"What if my baby can see my…" Patrick fidgeted in his chair, "…you know," he pointed to his crotch.

"Oh my God!"

"I also remembered Sally and I had done it before while she was pregnant. Then I wondered if the baby already saw it before. Or worse; what if my penis touched the baby?"

"Patrick-"

"Something like that could traumatize a kid! It could come out psychologically damaged for all I know."

"But you don't know!"

"This somehow got me thinking about all the women I've slept with. Steve, all those women were someone's daughter!"

"Every woman is someone's daughter!"

"Yeah, and imagine how all their father's felt knowing their daughter was banging someone like me. I mean, that could happen to me! Oh my God, I could be that father!" Patrick's face became one of sheer terror.

"See, this is why you don't think!"

…

Susan choked on her drink following what Sally had told her. "He did what?"

"Patrick refused sex!" Sally repeated what she had just told Susan. "I asked him why and he said 'it's already crowded inside'!"

"Oh my God!"

"Then he rolled over and pretended to sleep, fake snoring included. I suggested we try again tomorrow and he said that wouldn't be a good idea."

" _Patrick_ refused sex?"

"Did I do something wrong? I put on the sexy lingerie, I made the first move; he likes it when I do those things. Did he want me naked?"

"I think it might have something to do with the baby."

Sally's face fell. "Oh God, he thinks I'm hideous. He doesn't want to have sex with me now that I have a mummy tummy."

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant Patrick's paternal instinct is starting to kick in and he's afraid to do something that could hurt you or the baby."

"That's…that's so sweet. Now I just have to convince him to have sex with me."

"Sally!"

"It's a major turn on when he cares about things. It makes him sexy."

"I suppose it is kind of cute when he cares about things."

"Maybe you could convince him to-"

"Please don't involve me in your and Patrick's sex life."

…

"So I've got something major to tell you," Jane was talking over the phone, "Patrick Maitland doesn't want to have sex," Jane shrieked with laughter. "I know right! See, I think it's finally set in that he's going to be a father to a little girl and it's coming full circle. I've noticed that when a womanizing man like Patrick gets a woman pregnant, the first baby is usually a girl. It gets them to suddenly think that every woman he's ever been with could be that baby girl he's holding and he decides to become a better person. I love stories like that. It's kinda strange that now Patrick will think of me as another man's daughter and not as a former sexual partner. But it's cute when he cares. Oh, and Patrick caring is getting his wife Sally really horny. Only problem is now he doesn't even want to touch her. What do you think she should do about that?"

" _Um…will your order be for pickup or delivery?"_ the person on the other end inquired.

"Delivery; that way we can continue this conversation in person."

…

Sally came back to the flat to discover Patrick was already there...standing beside his infamous cupboard. "Hello, Patrick."

"Sally," he greeted back.

"I was wondering if we could talk."

"About?"

"About what happened last night."

"Alright, but first," Patrick opened his cupboard, "I'd like an explanation please."

"I...I cleaned."

"Were my tapes in those black bags Susan and Jane were carrying out?"

"Yes, I emptied out your cupboard," Sally tried not to get upset. "Please don't be too angry with me—I am having your baby after all."

Patrick closed the cupboard and sat on the sofa. "Actually, I wanted to thank you."

"Thank me?"

"Saved me the trouble of cleaning it out myself."

"You…you were…but…but…why?"

"Too much to tape over; it's not like I was going to watch any of those tapes again. Might as well see if Jeff wants 'em."

"I actually threw them away."

"That's probably a better idea. If Jeff got a hold of them, we might not see him for months."

Sally giggled at that before getting serious again. "So," she sat beside him, "can we talk about last night now?"

"Yeah, sorry I kinda freaked there."

"I can understand why; but you're not the only one who's scared you know."

"I know. I just didn't think I would be scared _before_ the baby's born."

"I suppose I should have asked if you wanted to know what we were having beforehand. I suppose that might have been a factor."

"Plus you stopped sex and made me feel the baby kick."

"That was the first time she did that. You were there; I wanted you to feel it!"

"But it was during sex!"

"Oh yeah, like I expected the baby to finally start being active during sex!"

"It scared me."

"Why?"

"Because…because I thought that maybe I was hurting her. Or that maybe she could see my…you know."

"Aww, you're so sexy when you care," she seductively scooted toward him, but he backed away. "Patrick?"

"Don't try to turn me on. I've made up my mind; I can't have sex with you until after the baby's born."

"Well, I can easily change your mind."

"Sally, please!"

Sally pulled a small book out of her purse. "I think you need to read this."

" _Pregnancy and Sex_?"

"Susan lent it to me."

"Doesn't look that long."

"It's not, I already read it. It says that it's okay to have an active sex life during pregnancy and goes over the things we can and can't do."

"So we can still have sex?" Sally nodded. "And I won't hurt you or the baby?" Sally shook her head. "And you're sure the baby won't be able to see my-"

"I'm sure Patrick."

Patrick cocked his head. "Never thought I'd be interested in reading a book."

"That's my Patrick!" Sally gave him a quick kiss before getting off the couch. "Now you do some reading, and I'll slip into something more comfortable."

"One more thing," Sally turned around as Patrick pulled some folded up paper out of his pocket. "Why did you make a list of the women I've slept with?"

"Those aren't all the women you've slept with. Just the women with names I fancy."

"Why'd you write them down?"

"To make sure our daughter doesn't end up with one of those names."

Patrick looked at the list. "Damn, some of these are good names…some of these names are also good in bed."

Sally went back to the sofa, picked up one of the cushions, and proceeded to hit her husband with it. "All of those names were somebody's daughter." Immediately, Patrick threw the list of women's name down like a hot potato. Sally laughed as she wrapped her arms around him. "You are going to make an excellent father."

"You think so?"

"Oh, definitely; I think you've already proven that." She left a lingering kiss on his neck before abruptly pulling away. "Now read!"

"Yes, _Mum_."

Sally playfully swatted at him before heading toward their bedroom. "The first sentence will answer what I assume is one of your many questions."

Patrick opened the book and read the first sentence aloud, " _To answer the question for any first time fathers; no. Putting it simply: having sex with your pregnant wife will not put another baby in her belly_." He tilted his head to the side and nodded. "Good to know." Sally patted his head, went into their bedroom, and shut the door. Patrick watched this before quickly flipping to the end of the book.

"Read the whole thing Patrick!"

Patrick looked behind him, but the bedroom door was still closed with her behind it. "How the bloody hell does she do that?"

…

"Joshua, no," Steve took his cell phone out of his young son's mouth. "No…" Steve didn't know what to say so he demonstrated what not to do by sticking his phone in his mouth and quickly spitting it out. "God, that leaves a nasty taste in your mouth."

"Hey Steve," Susan went over to him, "I haven't heard from Jeff or Oliver in a while."

"Strangely enough, neither have I."

"What do you think they're up to?"

…

Jeff took the last slice of pizza in the third box as he and Oliver kept watching _Hellmouth's_ entrance door. "Too bad the pizza was delivered by a bloke."

"Yeah."

"How long have we been doing this now?"

Oliver looked at his wristwatch. "Nearly a whole day."

"I don't think our any perfect single woman is coming."

Oliver threw the empty pizza box aside with the other empty pizza boxes. "Well this was a complete waste of time."

"Yeah, I'm gonna go take a shower."

"I'm gonna get some sleep."

"So…we do this again tomorrow?"

"Definitely."


	6. Arresting Developments

_Five Days to a Wedding_

"But you already have a job," Oliver tried to dissuade Jane as she moved random comics around and stuck them on various shelves. "You report traffic from a helicopter for money. Why do you want to work _here_?"

"I want to help you," Jane "organized" a shelf. "We're friends, right?"

"Yes?" his response sounded more like a question.

"And friends help each other don't they?"

"I s'pose they do."

"That's why I'm here; I want to help you."

"Help me _how_ exactly?"

"I see my employment here beneficial in more than one aspect; I'm good at seeing the big picture you know. For starters, you would have a female employee. Did you ever stop and consider that maybe more females would be comfortable shopping here with another female consistently present?"

"Jane, you're an _attractive_ female; you'd bring in more _males_."

"How is that bad? That brings in more business, doesn't it? If you get enough business you can expand; become a franchise."

"Franchise?"

"Play your cards right and you can become very, very wealthy."

"I could, couldn't I?"

"Have you seen the women who go after rich men?" Oliver did indeed think about that. "So, do I have the job?"

Reality set back in. "Jane, this is a science-fiction, horror, fantasy, comic book shop. You have to have _some_ expertise on each of those topics."

"I can learn."

"Alright," Oliver considered his options, "what's in it for you?"

"Pardon?"

"I've noticed you only do things that benefit yourself in some way. How is this beneficial to you?"

"Well, I can learn more about science-fiction, horror, fantasy, comic books, therefore expanding my knowledge and interests, I'll make some more money on the side so I can indulge in a little shopping, and I might meet a cute virgin!"

"How is that-"

"I'd like to be someone's first; make them feel special."

"I should really stop questioning you."

"Oh, and I found a uniform I can wear for the summertime." Jane ran to the till where a series of shopping bags rested. "I found this adorable costume shop open all year round and this darling outfit caught my eye. I asked who it was supposed to be and the lady said it was some heroine called Red Sonja."

" _Red Sonja_? A female, barbarian, comic book heroine who you rarely see out of a bikini?"

"Now I know it's in one of these bags," she kept digging through the bags.

"Jane, I don't think-"

"FOUND IT!" Jane snatched the costume out of the bag. "I'm going to go try it on," she ran into the back room to change. There was really no point trying to stop her now. And given the current time Jeff would be showing up within the next minute or so.

"Oliver!" right on cue. An excited Jeff came running into the store with a huge grin on his face. "You're not gonna believe what just happened."

"Well," Oliver glanced over his shoulder at the back room, "whatever you just saw I don't think you're going to like as much as what you're going to see next."

"What am I going to see next?"

"Hello boys!" Jeff's jaw nearly hit the floor as Jane sashayed over to the boys dressed like Red Sonja. "How do you like my new uniform?" A drooling Jeff started babbling like an idiot. "Do you think it'll attract business?"

Oliver was equally entranced by this. "You're hired." Jane squealed and did her happy, bouncy dance. It went on a little longer than it should have until Oliver stopped it. "Okay, okay!" Oliver got her to stop. "You start tomorrow, please change back into your normal clothes."

"Thank you Oliver," Jane ran back into the back room.

Oliver turned to Jeff. "So Jeff, what were you going to tell me?" Jeff stood there with his mouth hung open, his tongue hanging out, and drool pouring down. "JEFF!"

"Huh?" Jeff snapped out of his daze. "Oh right, I came to tell you what happened. I got asked out on a date. _She_ did the asking!"

"Seriously?"

"An actual woman!"

"An actual woman?"

"Who's not a lesbian!"

"No?"

"And you'll never guess what we're doing for our date?"

"What?"

"We're gonna play laser tag."

"She's taking you to a gaming center with laser tag?"

"And she's paying!"

"Craziness!"

"Yeah, I came to let you know that's why I wouldn't be here today…and hopefully not tomorrow." Jeff snickered.

"Well don't let me keep you."

"Right, see you." Jeff hurried out of the store.

A normal dressed, sullen looking Jane came out to the front of the store. "Jeff's got a date?"

"Yeah," Oliver bit his lip and waved his fist in the air in celebration, "lucky bastard!" He laughed his way back to the till as Jane stood there watching the door.

"Lucky woman."

"Sorry, did you say something?"

Jane took a deep breath and forced herself to be cheerful. "Oliver, let's you and I go out to dinner, my treat."

"Jane, we've tried going out before to less than favorable results? Why do you want to go out with me now of all times?"

Jane looked over her shoulder at the door. "I don't know," she looked at Oliver. "So do you want to or not?"

Oliver shrugged. "Sure."

"Good! I'll go get ready," Jane gathered up her shopping bags and did a seductive strut out of the shop. When she stepped outside, she couldn't help but notice Jeff and his date—an average looking brunette with short, wavy hair and a Bart Simpson t-shirt. The two of them were laughing at something she had just finished saying. Jane hadn't seen Jeff look so comfortable with a girl; he seemed so…happy.

So why did that make Jane so sad and uncomfortable?

…

Steve and Patrick sat in Patrick's flat staring at the TV as the girls finished doing whatever the hell they were doing for the past few hours.

"So," Steve decided to instigate the awkward small talk, "I saw the new car. It's nice."

"Yeah?" that was all Patrick had to say about that.

"Yeah."

"Your kid's walking on stairs now?"

"Starting to."

"Good for him."

"Are you getting along better with him?"

"No, he still hates me."

"Right."

"Yeah."

"Going on that golfing trip this year?"

Patrick sucked air through his teeth. "Highly unlikely."

"Didn't you go last year?"

"Yeah, me and Sally both."

"Oh?"

"Thought I'd combine the golfing trip with a little romantic holiday; spent more time at the hotel than I did on the golf course." He thought back on that vacation with a huge grin and a sly chuckle. "Good times."

The guys said nothing else and stared at the TV for a while. "What are we watching?"

"I have no idea."

"What channel is this?"

"I have no idea." Steve gave him a strange look. "Sally spends practically all day on the sofa, watches whatever's on the telly. Lately she falls asleep with it on—which is totally unlike her. Oh, that reminds me: a couple nights ago when she fell asleep and I came out to check on her, there are breasts on the screen."

Steve suddenly became interested. "Really?"

"Anyway when there's nothing going on after, I make myself some popcorn and decide to watch the movie in case there's any more nudity. Before I know it, it's a pool scene."

"A pool scene?"

"They're by a pool and some guy comes in and sees red bikini girl. He goes off to masturbate...

"...obviously," both Steve and Patrick agreed in unison.

"...and that's when he has this fantasy."

Steve cocked an eyebrow brow. "Fantasy?"

"I put the popcorn bowl aside and get closer because I know there's nudity coming. This guy's fantasizing about red bikini girl coming out of the water, she's telling him he's hot, and she's doing a slow motion walk toward him while taking her top off." Patrick faltered a bit.

"What, it was a cockblock? Was it edited for television?"

"No, Sally woke up."

"No!"

"As I'm about to see breasts I hear, 'do I smell popcorn'."

"What'd you do?"

"I quickly grab the remote and change the channel as if I was never watching it."

"Blimey!"

"I don't think Sally caught me though." Whatever was on the TV had just ended. "Should I pop in a movie?"

Steve looked at his watch. "Why the hell not; I'm probably gonna be here another hour or two anyway."

"Didn't say they were finishing up two hours ago?"

"Susan said she and Sally were going to have a 'quick' chat."

"What the bloody hell could they be talking about?"

…

Susan crinkled her nose in disgust, "Oh God, not _that_ scene."

A very pregnant Sally was sitting at the edge of the bed. "He thinks I didn't know that was on. I started to stir just before that and suddenly he casually sets a bowl of popcorn on my stomach and inches closer to the telly with a lustful look in his eye."

"Wait, he set the bowl of popcorn on your stomach?"

"He treated me like a table!"

"Even Steve knew to use an _actual_ table when I was pregnant."

"I think Patrick's done it before. In fact I'm sure he has. One time I woke up and there was a liquid ring around my shirt."

"He used you as a coaster too?"

Sally nodded. "I know some of the things Patrick does are…questionable, but he does mean well. He's a good husband and he does try to improve."

"And that's what counts." Susan patted Sally's knee. "And in less than five days Steve is going to become my husband."

"Come on Susan, you and Steve are practically married; now you're just making it legal."

Susan smiled at her. "You're right; and I can't wait to marry him."

…

"Am I doing the right thing getting married?" Steve's question seemed to come out of nowhere. It wasn't as though Patrick heard him because he was laughing at _Spaceballs_. "Patrick!"

"Not now; one of my favorite parts is coming up," Patrick kept his eyes glued to the television.

"Never thought I'd see you so invested in a movie without nudity."

"It's Spaceballs, Steve! Any man can make an exception for _Spaceballs_."

"I just had a question of crisis!"

Patrick groaned and paused the video. "So you have a question of crisis and you ask _me_ of all people."

"Out of all my options, I felt you were probably the best bet."

"Why can't you ask Susan?"

"It concerns Susan."

Patrick shrugged. "Alright, what's wrong?"

"I've been having doubts about marrying her."

"Why? Susan's a great girl. You've been together for nearly six years, you have a kid together, when you look at the big picture it's like you and Susan are already married."

"Exactly!"

"You're not afraid getting married will jinx what the two of you have?"

Steve fidgeted in his seat and avoided the answer. "Well what about you? How did you feel before you got married?"

"Fine."

"You weren't having second thoughts?"

"Do I even have first thoughts?" Steve tilted his head and nodded in a sort of agreement at that. "No, getting married was surprisingly what I wanted to do. I was at a point in my life where it was time for me to settle. I'm starting a family with the woman I love, I'm doing well in my job, and I've done everything I wanted to do before I got married—if I even got married."

"And married life is working out for you?"

"Eh, it's alright," Patrick leaned back on the sofa and pushed the 'play' button on the remote.

"Just alright?"

"Steve," Patrick pointed to the television, " _Spaceballs_."

Steve turned away to mock him. "Steve, _Spaceballs_."

…

_Four Days to a Wedding_

Jane was slouching at Oliver's table over a plate of burnt toast clearly upset about something. Oliver came over to the table with a bowl of cereal and set it in front of her. "I've been meaning to get the toaster fixed, sorry."

"It's fine," Jane assured.

Oliver pulled up the chair beside her. "Wanna talk?"

"No."

"This is a first." He sat down. "I think what happened was a breakthrough."

Jane turned to him with wide eyes. "You're not mad?"

"Why should I be?"

"I shouted Jeff's name during the climax for heaven's sakes!"

"Strangely enough, I'm fine with it."

"Don't tell me you're gay for Jeff."

"No, we're just good friends."

"Because the two of you seem very close and-"

"Jane, I'm straight, believe me."

"Then why aren't you mad?"

"Two reasons. One: it's normal for things like that to happen to me when I get with a woman. It's become a running gag of my life that I've gotten used to."

Jane giggled at that. "Sorry." Oliver let it slide. "What's the second reason?"

"The second reason is what I think is the breakthrough." Oliver formed a small smile on his face. "Jane, you've fallen in love with Jeff."

This time Jane laughed at that. "Oliver, you're so funny." She continued to laugh until she saw the serious look on his face. "I'm not in love with Jeff! I just called his name out because I'm used to screaming out Jeff's name during sex."

"Sex that you have with Jeff."

"Jeff and I are just friends who occasionally sleep together."

"So you're okay with him pursuing a relationship with Scarlett?"

"That girl has a name?"

"Jane, are you jealous of him spending time with _that girl_?" he inverted the last two words.

"They only just met; it's not going to last. Besides, it's Jeff. Ever since I've known him he has had zero luck with women—even that relationship with Julia didn't end well."

"Can you look me in the eye and tell me you're okay with him and Scarlett together?"

"What kind of name is Scarlett anyway?"

"Jane."

Jane looked at Oliver, but not directly in the eye. "I don't want to pursue this topic any further. I only want my friends to be happy and if _Scarlett,"_ her emphasis on Scarlett's name was bitter, "makes him happy then I'm fine."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Jeff wants to introduce her to everyone and I wanted to make sure you were okay with that."

"Fine."

"Good."

"Good."

"Fine."

"Good."

"You sure you're fine?"

"Fine."

"Good."

"Fine."

…

_Three Days to a Wedding_

Susan had so graciously agreed to host a last minute dinner party at her flat so that the group could meet Jeff's new girlfriend. This party stemmed about after Jeff innocently inquired if he could bring a last minute guest to the wedding. Susan had the misfortune of asking her wedding planner if Jeff's new girlfriend could come to the wedding. After Sally's elaborately detailed rant as to why Scarlett could _not_ come to the wedding, Susan decided to throw a small, last minute party before any out of town wedding guests arrived.

"So," Susan turned to Scarlett once the dinner had started, "Jeff said you had an interesting word for your love of films."

Scarlett nodded and swallowed her food. "Yes, I'm a cinephile. I have a passion for films and I study them as well."

"Do you have any favorites?"

"Oh God, I could never pick any favorites. Sometimes I do like to pick other people's favorite."

"Sorry?"

"Scarlett is a Movie Matchmaker," Jeff spoke up. "She has her own little online site where she suggest movies for people based on their interests and taste in films."

"And people pay you for that?" Jane asked with a hint of bitterness in her tone.

Scarlett chuckled. "I wish."

"You should franchise. You know; start a business out of it, make some money, meet a man—who isn't Jeff—with the same interests as you, fall in love, get married, and have children named after film titles." Everyone else gave her strange looks. "Well, maybe not all of those, but I'm sure you get the big picture."

Needless to say it was an awkward dinner for Jane.

After dinner, one of them suggested they all watch a movie. Naturally, none of them were in total agreement so in the end, they asked Scarlett to choose based on their interests. Nobody but Jane seemed to complain when Scarlett chose _The Princess Bride_.

"I've seen that movie a hundred times," Jane lamented as took an end seat on the sofa. "Can't we get something with a little more sex?"

"Not on the off chance my son wakes up," Susan reprimanded as she entered the living room. "Besides, you love this movie."

"And it's only fitting to watch since Susan is about to become a bride herself," Scarlett added as Steve sat in one of the living room chairs.

"That's right," Susan settled herself on Steve's lap and they shared a kiss.

Scarlett sat on other end of the sofa next to Jeff as Sally and Patrick came in. "Oh gosh, I'm being rude," Scarlett stood up. "Sally, would you like my seat?"

"Oh, aren't you a sweet thing," no one seemed to hear Jane grumble at Sally's remark. "If I sat there I wouldn't be able to get up."

"Okay?" Scarlett looked around as Patrick took the other recliner, "should I get a kitchen chair then?"

"That won't be necessary," Sally took a seat on Patrick's lap much to his surprise and (as evident by the "oof" he let out) discomfort.

They started the movie once Oliver squeezed himself in between Jeff and Jane. Steve, Susan, Scarlett, and even Jeff paid the most attention, Sally had fallen asleep somewhere in the middle, Patrick sat in the chair trying to watch the movie and get comfortable (but eventually he just sat there staring into the distance thinking about whatever), Oliver tried to pay attention but Jane wasn't going to let him. Eventually, she moved to the floor and took Oliver with her.

"No one is that sweet," Jane was talking quietly so only Oliver could hear. "She must have interior motives."

" _Ulterior_ motives," Oliver corrected.

"Irregardless!"

"That's technically not a word."

Jane swatted him. "Don't correct me, this is serious!"

"Jane, face facts; there is nothing wrong with Scarlett. She's funny, she's nice, she's smart, she's attractive, and she hasn't slept with Patrick."

"Then you date her!"

"No! Scarlett and Jeff really fancy each other."

"So?"

"Jane, you are clearly not okay with this. You're in love with Jeff and you can't stand him being with someone else. You have to tell him before things get too serious between him and Scarlett."

"I am not in love with Jeff!"

"Then you should be okay with Jeff seeing whoever he wants."

"I am…" Jane watched the way Jeff and Scarlett laughed together at a certain part before Jeff scooted closer to Scarlett and put his arm around her shoulder. "…but I'd be even more okay if that was me he was wrapping his arm around."

"Psst," Patrick whispered to Jane and Oliver, "I know you're having a sort of moment, but could one of you scratch this itch on my leg?"

…

_Two Days to a Wedding_

Jane (unsuccessfully) plotted to get rid of Scarlett, Steve bought a new laptop with some money he (and Susan) got as a wedding present, Oliver got in an online bidding war over a model of the DeLorean DMC-12 from _Back to the Future_ (and lost), Sally stayed on the sofa eating ice cream and pickles and watching whatever was on, Susan ran various last minute errands, Jeff took Scarlett to see _Scary Movie 4_ , and Patrick played with his model car instead of doing actual work.

So essentially nothing happened that day.

…

_One Day to a Wedding_

If the rehearsal was any indication of what the wedding was going to be like then Steve was seriously dreading what was going to happen the next day.

The first sign was when Steve noticed they were out of Cheerios. Cheerios were what Steve called the "magic cereal". They were okay for Joshua to eat—he also loved playing with the bland oats for whatever reason Steve couldn't fathom—and for some reason, Joshua was always calm whenever he had Cheerios to eat or to play with. But Susan assured Steve they'd be alright and to bring some extra toys in case Joshua got cranky or fussy. Yeah, that was obviously going to backfire on them later.

The second sign was Jeff bringing Scarlett to the rehearsal. Jeff's reasoning was Scarlett was a little hurt about not being able to go to the wedding now that she had gotten closer to his friends and she at least wanted to come and give them a wedding present. Steve assured Jeff it was fine while Jane stood in earshot. So Steve was the one who endured Jane's wrath (which at first he thought came out of nowhere) until Oliver dragged her away.

The third was Steve's parents, Jack and Sarah. Jack and Sarah's Christmas gift to their son was announcing their divorce after thirty-nine years of marriage. Apparently, it was a real bitter divorce too. A smiley Sarah was the first to arrive, but her smile faltered when Jack arrived with Tara; a pretty much exact replica of Sarah, but twenty-one years old. Short, verbal arguments and some name calling occurred on that part before the rehearsal even started.

The fourth and fifth signs were Susan's siblings Richard and Elise. Richard was a drunk, but Susan and her parents knew how to handle him. Susan's sister was a different story, however. Elise decided to reconcile with her family after estranging herself from them seven years ago. Susan was excited to see her big sister and introduce her to her nephew.

Susan carried her son over to his aunt. "So hello to Aunt Elise."

"Oh, he's so adorable," Elise cooed. "What's his name?"

"Joshua."

Elise suddenly stiffened. "Please tell me you're kidding."

"No! Why?"

Elise pointed to a little boy standing a few feet away. "Because _my_ son's name is Joshua." Elise's Joshua waved to his Aunt Susan.

Richard, who was urinating in a giant flower pot nearby, witnessed this meeting. "Well, that suddenly got awkward," he finished his business and poured himself another drink.

Things got worse when Patrick stood to give his fake toast. No sooner had he stood up did a toy block hit him on his head. "I haven't even said anything!"

"Joshua, no!" Susan reprimanded and snatched another toy away from Joshua, who then decided to throw a fit not being able to throw anything at Patrick. Thankfully, Susan's mother, Edna, was kind enough to take Joshua back to her house.

"Anyway," Patrick continued. "I didn't really plan this in advice but it's probably gonna include all the romantic love at first sight, or made for one another clichés before I wish them a long and happy marriage."

"I'll drink to that," an inebriated Richard shouted across the table before drinking his entire glass. "WAITER! REFILL!"

"You know boy," Jack began, "I don't think it's possible to have a marriage that's both long _and_ happy. In the experience of the Taylor men, it's one or the other and it's usually the long part."

Sarah scowled. "You heard more complaints on my end than yours, dear."

"That's because you never shut up."

"Ignoring Jack Ass, I think Steve and Susan did the smart thing by not rushing into marriage," Sarah glared at Jack, "Look what good that did me and Steve's sperm donor."

Steve stood up and clapped his hands together. "Okay, I think now it's a good idea for-"

"I agree with Steve's mum," Jane stood up. She then directed her attention to Jeff. "Rushing into a relationship is a bad thing; especially when you don't consider how it affects everyone around you. Everyone who _loves_ you."

"What does this have to do with me and Susan?"

"Not everything is about you, Steve. What about me? I'm losing the man I love!"

"We broke up years ago! I assumed we both got over it."

"I think she's talking about Jeff," leave it to Patrick to open his mouth at the most inconvenient time.

Jane was aghast. "You heard what I said the other night?"

"You were carrying on a conversation right next to me; it was hard not to hear."

Jane noticed this Scarlett whispering to Jeff. "I'm sorry: would you like to speak up so everyone can hear you?"

Scarlett bit her lip before answering. "I was just suggesting that I leave."

"Forever?"

Scarlett stood up in irritation. "Why are you mad at me? If you're supposedly in love with Jeff then you should have told him _before_ we started going out! Besides, Jeff told me about your relationship; fuck buddies, nothing more!"

Jeff fidgeted uncomfortably in his seat. "I might not have used those words exactly."

"You had your chance, but you did nothing and Jeff has moved on. It's only best that you do too."

Jane gasped. Then she reached for the block that hit Patrick and threw it at Scarlett. Instead of freaking out at the idea of them physically fighting, Jeff found himself turned on by that thought (and wishing the girls were half naked and that there was jelly).

"Ooh good idea," Sarah reached for one of Joshua's blocks and threw it at Tara. "To be clear: I'm in no way in love with my ex-husband. I just don't like his new whore."

Tara's jaw dropped. "Whore?" She reached for another block.

However, Jack took it from her. "Allow me, dear; wouldn't want to ruin your manicure," Jack threw the block at Sarah.

Instead, the block had hit another male guest. In retaliation, that guest threw his dinner at Jack. Of course, Jack then threw his dinner back at the male guest. Now a food fight had broken out amongst everybody.

Embarrassed to be there, Sally came up with a plan to fake labor and get her and Patrick out of there. "Susan," Sally waddled over to Susan, "I don't want to alarm you, but I think I've started having contractions. Patrick's going to take me to the hospital now."

"Right go," Susan assured, "tell me everything that happens."

Then Elise started a third fight by muttering, "Let's hope they don't name _their_ kid Joshua."

"Here Elise," Susan shoved a pie in her face, "try some dessert."

Steve watched all the chaos that had erupted. Knowing it wasn't going to end anytime soon, he slumped in his seat and put his hands in his face. "Bloody hell."

Richard snuck up behind him and patted his shoulder. "Maybe this marriage thing is a bad idea."

"I'm starting to agree," Steve got up and went to Susan. "Susan, I'm going home now; I'll see you tomorrow."

"You're leaving now?"

"Probably for the best."

"Okay, I'll make some arrangements to stay with someone else so you don't see me before the wedding tomorrow."

"If there's even going to be a wedding tomorrow," Steve muttered.

"What was that?"

Steve then gave Susan a kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too."

And with that Steve got the hell out of there and headed back to his flat.

…

_Zero Days to a Wedding_

Everyone had managed to calm down and leave by midnight. Susan asked her parents if they could keep Joshua for the night and that she would stay at Patrick and Sally's place while they were gone. Upon arriving, Susan was a little surprised to see the lights in their flat were still on. She was also surprised to find Patrick and Sally in the living area eating ice cream and pickles while one of Patrick's favorite movies droned on in the background.

Sally was the first to notice her friend standing there. "Susan?"

Patrick finished putting ice cream in his mouth and turned around to see Susan. "Oh, hi Susan," is what he appeared to say (though it was hard to be sure with the food in his mouth).

"What are you doing here?"

"I should be asking you the same thing," Susan folded her arms across her chest, "apparently."

"We asked you first," Patrick pointed out.

"I thought I'd stay here for the night and watch your apartment while you were at the hospital."

"Yeah, we weren't really going," Patrick honestly answered. Sally soon swatted him. "Ow!"

"So you faked contractions so you could leave my rehearsal dinner?"

"They were throwing food, Susan!" Sally reminded. "It had gone from a slightly awkward rehearsal dinner to an American family reunion in the deep south!" For some strange reason this made Patrick laugh. When Sally glared at him he was quick to point to the TV and use _Spaceballs_ as an excuse. "Oh please, nobody's watching that; why is it even on?"

"Sally, I would have liked to have had you there; if I had to suffer, so could you!"

"I'm pregnant; isn't that suffering enough?"

Susan sighed and decided not to pursue this any further. "Can I sleep here tonight?"

"Why can't you stay at your parents' house?"

"Because Elise will be there and I'm not looking to start another family feud the night of my wedding, thank you very much. So is it alright if I crash here tonight?"

"I don't mind," Sally turned to her husband. "Is it alright with you, Darling?"

"Yeah, sure," Patrick allowed.

"So I'll just sleep in the guest room," Susan headed for the spare bedroom.

"Wait," Patrick started to chase after her. "Susan don't-"

Too late, Susan opened the door. "Oh my God." She stepped into what used to be the guest room. "Patrick…I…what…wow."

Patrick entered the nursery and closed the door behind him. "I wanted Sally to be the first to see."

"You did this all by yourself?" He nodded. "You even put the crib together?" Another nod. "Oh my God," Susan started to tear up. "This is so beautiful."

"You think Sally'll like it?"

"She's going to love it," Susan was still dumbfounded. "God, you never did anything like this before. What possessed you to do all this?"

"I dunno I just wanted to do something nice for Sally. I mean, she is having my baby; I wanted to show her how much I love her…have I heard that somewhere before?" Patrick thought about that for a quick second before moving on. "I feel bad for Sally having to be pregnant and go through labor, so I said I'll handle putting the baby's room together. Her reaction was kinda strange; she started laughing hysterically, I told her I was serious, and then she started to cry," Patrick shrugged. "Hormones."

"Well this is beautiful and I am impressed."

"Thank you."

"But if you don't want Sally to see it, then why do you keep the door unlocked?"

"I keep Sally away from this area—and I've done things I'm not proud of in order to keep her away."

"Like what?"

"I'd rather not relive those dark times."

"Then I think you should keep the door locked for tonight in case she tries to sneak a peek. I'll sleep on the sofa," Susan and Patrick went back into the living room and discovered Sally sleeping on the sofa.

"You know I think it'd be a nice gesture—seeing as you're getting married and what not—if you slept in my bed tonight and I'll take the recliner to make sure Sally doesn't...drool or whatever."

"Wow, you are sexy when you care." Patrick held up his left hand and pointed to his ring. With a smirk, Susan did the same, even though she was pointing to an engagement ring. "Okay so I won't get the wedding ring for a few hours, but I'm sure you get the idea."

…

When Susan officially woke up (ignoring the fact that her excitement kept her awake all night) the first thing she did was call Steve. When he didn't answer—she could understand if he was sleeping at six-thirty in the morning—she sent him a loving text message and got up to make everyone breakfast. Susan had worked out a routine to eat breakfast, pick up her son from her parent's house, pick up her dress from her flat, go back to Sally and Patrick's to shower, have Sally do her hair and makeup, put on her (gorgeous) gown, and be chauffeured to the church by Patrick.

The girls were in the process of hair and makeup when Patrick finally got up to get ready. "Bloody hell!" he griped when he opened his closet. "Sally, I had my suit right here so I could grab it and go."

"It should still be in there," Sally told him. "I probably just moved it while I was trying to find a dress."

"You picked your dress out two days ago and set it next to my suit."

"Oh, _that_ dress," Sally crinkled her face in disgust, "I didn't like that one."

Patrick opened the closet wider and stared at dozens of similar purple dresses. "They all look the same to me." He took a closer look. "They are all the same!"

"They all might have the same design, but the colors are not the same."

"They're all purple!"

"They most certainly are not! Yes there is a purple, but there's also a violet, a mauve, a lavender, a periwinkle, an orchid, a mulberry, a royal puce, a heliotrope, a magenta, a-"

"Okay! Okay!" He searched through the dresses until he found his suit. "I'm sorry I asked."

"Why are you just getting ready now?" Susan inquired.

"Unlike you ladies all I have to do is take a shower, put on my suit, and comb my hair. It takes at most thirty minutes."

Sally scoffed. "Men." Susan's mobile went off. "Text message?"

Susan smiled. "From Steve." She read the message out loud. " _Running a few last minute errands, don't know if I'll be late. I'll meet you later at the altar. I love you_."

"What errands could he possibly have?"

"Something must have come up after he left the rehearsal." Susan set her phone down.

"You don't think he's going to leave you at the altar do you?"

"I know you still think Steve's a bit of a tosser, but he wouldn't do that. He's told me at least once a week since we set a date how he can't wait to marry me."

"Just once a week?"

"Even I never said that to Sally that much when we were engaged," Patrick didn't really help anything and (given the glare Sally gave him) he might have made things worse. "I still married you, didn't I?"

"Anyway," Susan (somewhat awkwardly) said to change the subject, "it's still fairly early. I'm sure Steve'll be done soon and get to the church on time."

…

Most people in the wedding party were the first to arrive and make sure everything was set. Susan and Steve parent's (and Steve's father's girlfriend) even got there early. As it got closer to the wedding, almost everybody was there. One exception was Oliver, but he phoned to say that he was due to arrive shortly. However, one person who still hadn't shown up was the groom. And unfortunately, the groom showed no indication that he would be arriving anytime soon.

"Just a reminder, you got this church booked til five," Jeff was doing a sort of pace as he left a(nother) voicemail for Steve, "the priest said he's got another wedding later in Brighton that he has to be at by five, and your wedding's supposed to be done no later than three. We're all ready to go here; just waiting on you. Yeah…bye," he hung up his mobile.

Oliver ran into the church and caught up to Jeff. "Sorry I'm late."

"Well at least you're here. Are you sure you haven't seen Steve?"

"I'm sure. I even drove by his flat, but he wasn't home."

"Of course he's not home. He texted Susan around ten-thirty saying he was _still_ doing some last minute things and that he might be a little late. She texted him back that it was fine as long as he was here before the wedding started."

"Well it's only a few minutes past noon and the wedding doesn't start until two."

"But the whole wedding party, the parents, and Steve dad's whore are here."

"Has Susan heard from Steve since she got the ten-thirty text message?"

"I don't think so."

"You think Steve got cold feet?"

"Steve? It doesn't seem possible. He's wanted to marry Susan for the longest time; why would he back out on the day of the wedding?"

"Does Susan know where he is?"

" _Nobody_ knows where he is! I don't understand why he didn't tell me anything either. I'm his best man, his best friend, his porn buddy; we tell each other everything! I'm real worried something's happen to him; he always answers his mobile."

Jeff and Oliver heard a door close behind them. "Maybe it's Steve," as they went off in the direction of the closing door, they met up with Patrick. "Patrick?"

"Hey guys," Patrick greeted somewhat nervously.

"You alright? You look kinda sweaty."

"I was just in there with the girls. Trust me: you don't want to be in there."

"Susan's lost it then?" Jeff inquired.

"Oh no Susan's fine, totally calm. It's Sally that's lost it."

"Sally?"

"Oh yeah, she's pissed at Steve. She basically organized this whole thing to compensate for her not getting the wedding she wanted—and to make Susan happy too I guess. If Steve doesn't show up before we lose the church, Sally's gonna to do some serious bodily harm to him. Thought it be safe to get out of there."

Suddenly Jane came out of the room and ran in between Oliver and Patrick, "We have a problem!"

"Steve's not here, we know."

"No, another problem: Susan set the wedding band on the coffee table where she didn't notice her son was playing with his cereal and…well…we think Joshua ate the wedding ring."

"I always said he was a garbage disposal in baby form," Jeff quipped.

Jane had obviously ignored him. "So we're going to have to postpone the wedding until we get the ring back. We've got some time though; I'm sure Steve will make it back here before then."

"Do you know where he is?" Oliver questioned.

Jane shook her head. "No, and I have no idea where he could be. I could understand him doing this if he was marrying _me_ , but not Susan. I don't know how she can stay so calm." Jane tilted her head in thought. "Steve does have a tendency to say or do odd things when he gets nervous. Do you think he went off and did something foolish?"

As if it was on cue, Jeff's mobile rang. "I don't know this number," he stated as he looked at the caller ID.

"Maybe Steve's mobile died and he's phoning using someone else's mobile," Oliver suggested.

"Ooh yeah," Jeff answered his phone. "Steve?"

" _Hello Jeff,"_ the voice on the other end greeted.

Jeff took the phone away from his ear as he addressed the group. "It's Steve!" He quickly put the phone back to his ear. "Steve, where are you?"

" _Well I thought I'd take a drive up to a city I've never visited for one last hurrah and I seem to find myself in a Brighton jail cell."_

"What? How did that happen?"

" _There was a little misunderstanding."_

"What does that mean?"

" _Look, the police don't believe I'm getting married so I need you guys to_ calmly _alert Susan of my situation and ask her to come down to Brighton."_

"Why are you in a Brighton jail of all places?"

" _I'll tell you later. Right now I need you to ask Susan to come down here. Can you handle that?"_

"Don't worry Steve; we'll get you out of there!" Jeff hung up his mobile before Steve could talk again. "Steve went to Brighton and ended up in jail!"

Patrick didn't believe it. "Our Steve?"

"Yeah!"

Oliver was just as shocked. "What did he do? What do _we_ do?"

"He didn't tell me what he's doing there, but the police don't believe that Steve's getting married. He asked us to tell Susan to go down to Brighton and set everything straight."

"Are you sure we should do that?"

"I don't think Susan would be too pleased to hear about that," Patrick pointed out.

"Hasn't she got enough worry with Joshua eating the ring?" Jane reminded.

"So what do we do?" Oliver asked.

Jeff snapped his fingers. "We go down to Brighton and bail Steve out ourselves. I'm sure between the three of us we have enough money."

"Three of us?"

"One of us needs to stay here in case there's an emergency."

"Jane!" Patrick and Oliver agreed simultaneously.

"Why me?" Jane asked them. "Is it just because I'm a girl and you want me to stay here with the other girls?"

"Yeah," Patrick nodded.

"Pretty much," Oliver stated directly after Patrick.

Jane groaned. "Fine, I'll stay; but what should I tell Susan?"

"Just tell her we went out looking for Steve," Oliver's excuse wasn't a complete lie. "I just got here and my car's near the back; it'll be easier for us to get out if we take my car."

"Excellent!" Jeff seemed satisfied with this idea. "Come on boys, let's go save Steve!" Jeff led the men out of the church.

"Hurry back!" Jane bade them goodbye. "And whatever you do, don't get arrested!"

…

No sooner had they arrived at the Brighton Police Department did the guard lock Jeff, Patrick, and Oliver in the jail cell with Steve.

"Jeff," Steve didn't make eye contact with his friend.

Jeff couldn't help but gulp. "Yeah, Steve?"

"What part of 'ask Susan to come down here' didn't you comprehend?"

"Well…we didn't…we didn't want to worry her."

"Do you know the little misunderstanding that landed me in prison?"

"No."

"The police are under the impression that I am the Brighton Bandit. Said person is a burglar who has been robbing the area for a few months now...and also happens to be a cross dresser." The other boys couldn't help but snicker. "And the three of you are locked up because the police believe you're my cross dressing accomplices," that got them to stop snickering. "That is why I wanted Susan, a certified female, to come down here and clear up this little misunderstanding. Instead, you three decide to play hero and end up behind bars for a crime none of us committed. So thank you for that. Oh, and to top it all off we were only granted one phone call which I wasted on you! God, I should have just told Susan myself and got it over with."

"What were you even doing in Brighton anyway?" Patrick questioned.

Steve sighed. "I thought maybe I could squeeze in a few more hours as a bachelor somewhere where people didn't know who I was. Brighton just seemed like a nice sounding place so I decided to spend my last day of bachelorhood here."

"I guess that's better than abandoning Susan at the altar," Jeff decided.

"Totally," Oliver agreed.

"By far," Patrick concurred.

"I thought maybe I could have one last adventure on my own," Steve continued.

"Where did you get the idea to go off on your wedding night looking for one last thing to do as a bachelor?"

"You!"

"What?"

"I got the idea after that conversation I had with you! You said you did everything you wanted to do before you got married."

"Well, yeah; but I thought I'd never get married. You and Susan had been planning on getting hitched long before marriage ever crossed my mind. Plus you were talking to me while I was watching _Spaceballs_!"

"So?"

"Steve," Oliver began, "never take a bloke seriously when he's watching _Spaceballs_."

"And since when do you take advice from Patrick?" Jeff had a hint of jealousy in his tone when he asked.

"Because he's the only one in our group who's married!" Steve reminded.

"But you being with Susan was already like you were married. Today you were just making it legal and showing everyone how much you love her."

"By the way: Sally intends to cause you seriously bodily harm after ruining the wedding like that," Patrick informed, "but I wouldn't take her too seriously with the hormones."

"Hormones," Steve scoffed, "they're just an unfair advantage."

"I know!"

"Guys," Oliver pointed to the clock on the wall outside the cell, "the wedding should have started by now." He turned back to Steve. "Sorry mate."

"Bugger."

"Gusset," Jeff muttered.

"Well, I don't think I'm getting married for a while boys," Steve sighed. "I'd be surprised if Susan doesn't break up with me after this."

"Maybe she'll never find out," Jeff wasn't really helping. "We didn't tell her. Anyway, when we left she was preoccupied with her own mini crisis."

"So unless Jane blabbed, Susan has no idea you're in jail," Patrick casually stated.

"Now I can't help but wonder if they got the ring back."

It dawned on Steve what Patrick had said. "Wait, what?"

"The ring thing?" Jeff assumed Steve was talking to him. "You see-"

"Not you, Jeff! Patrick, did you just say that Jane knows about this?"

"Yeah," Patrick replied, "she was there with us when you got a hold of Jeff."

Steve let out an excited scream and started dancing. "We're getting out of here!"

"But we asked Jane not to tell Susan."

"Ah," Steve stopped dancing and pointed out something, "but when have you known Jane Christie to keep a secret?"

…

"Susan," someone (presumably Elise, but Susan wasn't entirely sure) stood at the other end of the door, "the priest is leaving now."

A now impatient Susan had decided to give up. "It's all over now isn't it?" She looked at the clock. "Steve and I should have been married at this point, but I prolonged it for a bowel movement!" Josh smiled at this as he stuffed more Cheerios into his mouth. Susan sighed as she tossed her wedding veil aside. "I'm sure Steve and the boys are back by now; I better go tell them to find a backup vicar before five."

Sally sat in an easy chair absentmindedly rubbing her bump while biting her lip. "If Steve and the boys were back, we would have heard from them and my urge to do harm would be subsiding."

Jane stood against the wall picking at her fingernails. "They have been gone a while now. Can't help but wonder if they all got arrested too."

Susan and Sally turned their attention to Jane. "Arrested?"

"Why would the guys be arrested?" Susan questioned.

"I dunno," Jane shrugged. "Maybe they tried to break Steve out of jail and got caught."

"Steve is in jail?"

"And in Brighton."

"And you're telling me this now?"

"I only just remembered."

"What's Steve doing in jail?" Sally inquired.

"He wouldn't say. All I know is he's in Brighton, he's in jail, and the boys went to get him out a while ago."

"Brighton?" Susan suddenly remembered. "Brighton!" She picked Joshua up and ran out of the room calling for the priest.

"Susan?" Sally struggled to get up as Jane chased after her. "Jane, a little help here!" Jane turned back around and helped Sally out of the chair before running after Susan. This subsequently caught the attention of Elise, who then followed Jane outside in curiosity.

"Well," considering what Susan said, the priest put his hand to his chin in thought, "I did promise to officiate your wedding and it is on the way. I have to keep it short so I can officiate my niece's wedding."

"Yes, fine, thank you," Susan thanked in excitement.

"Susan!" Jane was running over to her with Elise not too far behind and no sign of Sally. "Susan, what's going on?"

"Our vicar is headed to Brighton, so I thought why not go along for a ride."

"Brighton?" Elise wasn't aware of what was going on. "Susan, what is going on exactly?"

"I'll explain when I come back. Right now I have to get to Brighton."

"And how do you plan on getting back?"

"Ah; hadn't really thought that far ahead." Elise started digging through her purse. "What are you doing?"

"If you don't mind, I'd like to drive the bride to Brighton. We'll follow you, Vicar," Elise pulled Susan (and subsequently the baby in Susan's arms) to her car.

"What about your son?"

"Let someone else take care of him," Elise forced Susan into her car, hurried in herself, and followed the priest.

"Oh come on!" Jane stomped her foot. "Did you ever think maybe _I'd_ like to go to Brighton too?" She watched the cars drive off. "Because I would!" They drove off. "No one ever invites me for anything anymore. Just for once I'd like to be included. Is that too much to ask? What do you think Sally?" Jane's response was silence. "Sally?" She went back inside just as Sally caught up to her. "What took you so long?"

Sally gave her an icy glare as she caught her breath. "Well, pardon me all to Hell," she put her hands on her lower back and straightened herself. "It's a miracle if I even get off my fat ass."

"A church is often a place for miracles." Sally glared at her. "I'm just trying to engage in conversation."

"Don't."

"It's very hard for me to shut up."

"Believe me, I know."

Jane noticed people leaving. "Guess there won't be a wedding." Sally mumbled something incoherent. "How about we go back to your place and watch some romantic movies?"

"Can we stop for some lunch first?"

…

"Why won't you believe us?" Oliver was practically in tears as he begged with the guard. Steve, Patrick, and Jeff had given up hope of trying to convince the guard at least an hour ago and were just sitting back watching Oliver lose it. "We're not even dressed like women!"

"Not right now you're not. Besides, since we've arrested you there haven't been any reports of thefts by men dressed as ladies," the guard pointed out. "And do you really expect me to believe that man," he pointed to Steve, "is marrying a woman?"

Steve's jaw dropped. "I'm not gay!"

"Then why hasn't this 'Susan' shown up?"

"Because I wasted my phone call on him," Steve gestured to Jeff.

"I'm his best friend and porn buddy," Jeff felt the need to add. "This is my second arrest."

The guard raised his eyebrow to Steve. Steve stuffed his hands in his tuxedo pockets resisting the urge to hit Jeff. "My friend isn't...well."

"Hey Marty," another cop entered. "We got a priest, a bride, her baby, and her sister waiting outside to see a Steve Taylor and friends." With that, Steve smirked at the guard. Marty gestured for the other cop to allow them in. The second cop held the door open and Susan, the priest, and Elise and Joshua made their way over to the cell.

"Hello, Darling."

"Hello, Steven," it was never a good sign when Susan addressed Steve by his given name.

"I can explain."

There was a pause. "I'm listening."

Steve tried to put the words together, but couldn't. "My, you look lovely."

Susan exhaled. "Steve, why are you here? Were you going to leave me at the altar?"

"No! No, I just…I just wanted to act as if I was a carefree bachelor for a few hours before coming back to the wedding. I was truly headed for the church; right before I got arrested I had finished changing into my tuxedo."

"Why?"

"Don't most men get married in tuxedos?" Patrick questioned back genuinely.

"Stay out of this, Patrick!" Patrick backed away slowly. "Steve, you haven't been a bachelor for six years! Why did you do whatever you did?"

Steve sighed. "I honestly don't know anymore. Susan, just believe me when I say that I'm so, so sorry. I promise I'll never do anything this foolish again unless you're doing it with me. I'm going to be completely honest with you from now and forever. I love you Susan."

"I love you Steve," they tried to kiss, but couldn't. Instead of kissing, Steve and Susan linked their fingers together. "Now tell me why you're in jail."

"Apparently me and the boys have evil twins who cross dress and rob people in the Brighton area."

"That's got to be one of the most ridiculous stories I've ever heard! So much for the honesty crap you just spewed. Now tell me why you're really here."

"That is the truth ma'am," Marty backed up Steve's story.

"I'm sorry Officer, but that is complete and utter crap. Sure these men have fantasies of getting into women's pants; but even they wouldn't go that far."

"Since we've taken them into custody there have been no burglary reports."

"As odd as that is, it's just a strange coincidence. I suppose I'll have to post their bail."

"Susan," the priest held up his wrist and pointed to his watch, "I'm afraid we don't have much time."

"Right! Steve, do you still want to marry me?"

"Of course."

"Regardless of where it happens?"

"We could get married here for all I care."

"Good, because we're going to have to."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

Jeff raised his hand. "I still get to be Best Man right?"

Susan ignored him. "We're all dressed for the occasion. Steve, do you have the ring?"

Steve pointed to Marty. "He confiscated it as evidence."

"Where is it now?"

"Evidence locker room," Marty answered.

"What about the other ring? Did you bring that?" Steve asked.

"Sort of," Susan responded.

"Sort of?"

"Joshua thought the ring was a Cheerio and ate it."

"What?"

"Susan," the priest pointed to his watch.

Susan threw her hands in the air. "Fuck the rings; let's just get this over with. Give me your hands," Steve stuck his hands through the bars and Susan held onto them. "Ready!"

"I'm afraid we're going to have to keep this short; Steve, do you take Susan to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Steve smiled. "I do."

"And Susan, do you-"

"I do!" Susan politely interrupted.

"By the power vested in me I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride…somehow."

Steve put his index finger to his lips, kissed it, and then pressed his finger to Susan's lips. "I love you."

Susan then performed the same gesture. "I love you." They then clasped their hands in each other's as the witnesses applauded.

Jeff sniffled. "It's so beautiful," he flung himself into Patrick's arms. A confused (and somewhat startled) Patrick just patted his back as the applause died down and it suddenly became quiet.

"So now what?" Oliver spoke up.

Jeff manned up and backed off of Patrick. "Dunno. What do people usually do after this part?"

"Traditionally," Susan started, "everyone goes to the reception and the bride and groom perform their first dance as husband and wife to a song that has a special meaning to them."

"What's your and Steve's song?"

"You're not going to sing it are you?"

"Hey, I used to sing tenor in my school choir! I'm still a pretty decent singer."

"He's not that bad," Steve commented.

"He really isn't," Oliver agreed.

"Come on," Jeff tried to persuade, "every couple should have their first dance even with minimal contact. I want to be involved in something romantic for my friends. Please let me do this for you guys."

Susan shrugged. "If it'll make you happy."

"Excellent! Now what's your song?"

"We don't have one," Steve was quick to answer.

"Liar," Susan had a sly smirk on her face. "It's _My Heart Will Go On_ by Celine Dion," the boys couldn't help but laugh at that. "Come on Steve, they were going to find out if we carried on with the wedding."

"Come on Susan, even they're not going to sing-"

" _Every night in my dreams,"_ Jeff began to (over)dramatically sing, _"I see you; I feel you. That is how I-"_

"Thank you Jeff; that will be all." Steve sighed.

Susan seemed a little surprised. "I can't believe he actually sang."

"You realize you're talking about the same guy who dressed up like Spiderman and made up a ridiculous dance?" Patrick remembered.

Jeff blushed a little as he smiled. "Yeah, I like to go all out and make a complete ass of myself sometimes. I can still sing if you want."

"Thank you Jeff that won't be necessary," Steve declined his offer.

"You don't think I can sing?"

"No you can, I just don't want to hear it. Please understand that I'm being sincere when I say that."

"Actually," Susan looked at Patrick, "Patrick can sing."

"What?"

"No I can't!" Patrick was quick to deny.

"Yes you can."

"I've never sang in my life!"

"I heard you sing to Sally last night."

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did. Sally started making some weird noises and then you started singing; don't deny it."

Patrick sighed. "For some reason my singing helps calm her down when she has a nightmare or when she needs to go to her safe place. I noticed she was having a nightmare so I thought I'd calm her down."

"Wow, you are sexy when you care," Jeff's remark made pretty much everyone uncomfortable.

Susan continued. "Patrick sang this romantic song to her and I'd like him to sing it for me and Steve."

"No," Patrick declined.

Steve looked at Patrick. "You know I actually want you to do this."

"What?" Even Jeff and Oliver were surprised by this.

"I've never heard you sing."

"I've never heard you sing either," Patrick retorted.

"You sing this for Susan and I as payback, I'll sing any song of your choosing no matter how stupid."

"Seriously?"

"I promise."

"Anytime I ask?"

"Anytime you ask."

Patrick sighed in defeat. "Fine, but I'll only do one verse!"

"Fair enough."

"Can we be backup singers?" Jeff asked. "I can sing acapella if you'd like."

Patrick obviously didn't know what acapella meant. "Is that an opera or something?"

Steve groaned. "But can we get this over and done with so that we never speak of this again?" Patrick gestured for Jeff and Oliver to join him into a huddle. "Sometime today!"

Patrick stepped forward while Jeff and Oliver stood on opposite sides behind Patrick. "For Susan and Steve on their wedding day." Patrick gestured for Jeff and Oliver to start singing backup as Steve and Susan started to sway hand in hand trying not to laugh.

Patrick cleared his throat and started to sing.

" _Cherish is the word I use to describe_

_All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside_

_You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you_

_You don't know how many times I've wished that I could hold you_

_You don't know how many times I've wished that I could_

_Mold you into someone who could_

_Cherish me as much as I cherish you"_

Once it was over, the impromptu serenade was met with applause from everyone (except Joshua who didn't care much for Patrick).

Steve patted Patrick's shoulder. "That was surprisingly good. I'm always learning something new about you Patrick Maitland."

"Oh Susan," Elise passed Joshua to his mother, "I think you got your ring back."

Oliver pointed to Elise. "Do I know you?"

Elise seemed to have recognized Oliver. "Cute comic book guy!"

"Reservation girl!"

Jeff raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Reservation girl?"

"This is the girl I was going on that date with, but she brought her husband with her."

"Oh, that reservation girl!"

"God, that was seven months ago."

"Just about," Elise remembered.

"It's nice to see you again. How are you and your husband?"

"Divorced."

"Sorry."

"It's not like it was your fault. Josh and I had been trying to save our obviously failing marriage but it was best to just end it."

"Your husband's name is also Joshua?" Susan questioned.

" _Ex_ -husband. Don't you remember Josh; the guy I eloped with that none of you liked."

"Oh, right that bastard. So your son was named after that guy?"

"He sort of picked JJ's name."

"JJ?"

"Joshua Junior; we call him JJ to avoid confusion."

"You call your son JJ?" Elise nodded. "Why didn't you say that _before_ we got into that fight last night?"

"Why did you name your son Joshua?"

"Oh, don't start this again!"

"Hi, excuse me," Steve got Marty the Guard's attention, "can we get out of here now?"

Marty shook his head. "No."

"What? Why?"

"We have no proof that you're not the Brighton Bandit so unless-"

"Marty," the second cop came back, "you're not going to believe what just happened."

"Try me."

"You know how we thought the Brighton Bandit and the accomplices were men dressing as women?" Marty nodded. "Turns out they're just very unattractive women,"

"Heard that!" a shrill voice on the other end of the door yelled.

"They match the descriptions and they were caught in the act not even twenty minutes ago. Plus, in their getaway vehicle we found a series of black bags with items that had been reported stolen."

Steve smirked at Marty. "Do you believe us now?"

Marty sighed and got the jail keys. "Sorry for the misunderstanding boys; we won't press charges."

"Yeah, well we might!" Oliver argued.

"Oliver, stay out of this please," Steve begged.

"Never mind, I'm going to stay out of this! Here's me staying out of this! I'm staying out of this! I'm going to shut up now!"

"Good boy."

Marty unlocked the cell and the guys were released. "Oh, and congratulations on the whole getting married thing."

"Thank you." Once free, Steve and Susan finally embraced as husband and wife. Steve was also more than happy to give his son a kiss as well. "I'm sorry I got arrested."

"Well you're a free man now," Susan joked.

"Today has been a series of strange happenings and coincidences, hasn't it?" The other guys just shrugged.

"Let's just go home," Susan took her husband's hand and they sort of led the way out…

…just as the true Brighton Bandit and her accomplices entered—all of them very manly looking women bearing resemblances to the four male friends. "Ugh," oddly enough their voices sounded as if a man was trying to mimic a woman's voice, "copycats. Get your own gimmick."

"Keep off our turf you ugly bastards!" the female Jeff had a Welsh accent as well.

"We only work with men if they're attractive," female Oliver added.

Female Patrick on the other hand seemed to like what she saw. Pointing to male Patrick she gestured the 'call me' signal to him.

Jeff, the last one to leave (equally creeped out as everyone else) shuddered. "Spooky."

Marty locked the true bandits in the cell and went back to his station as the phone rang. "Brighton Police Department…I'm afraid you just missed him, but if he had his mobile on him he should be getting it soon…you're welcome." He hung up. "It has been a series of strange happenings and coincidences today."

_**To Be Continued…** _


	7. Of Crashes and Confessions

At the same time that everything was happening in Brighton, Jane and Sally were back in London stuck at the church intending to wait until whenever the hell Patrick came back with the car keys. Not too long after, Jane decided she waited long enough. Susan hadn't even been gone two minutes when Jane called for a taxi, bought some cheap, greasy lunch, went back to the church for Sally, bought Sally some lunch, and the two of them rode back to Sally's flat so that Jane could help Sally change out of her dress and wait for everyone to come back.

"Ugh," Jane made a face of disdain as she went through Patrick's music collection. "Does Patrick listen to any songs from this century?"

Sally sat on the sofa trying to watch television. "I know that surprised me too, but he prefers oldies. Anything beyond the 90's is most likely mine."

"What about Mozart? That's super old."

"That's mine."

"The soundtrack to _Grease_?"

"Mine."

Jane giggled as she picked up another CD. " _Sounds of Sex: Best of Bedroom Music_? That one sounds more like-"

"That one's also mine," Sally admitted with a twinge of embarrassment. "A gift from someone who worked in the music industry."

Jane read the list of songs. "Lovely choices: Barry White, Tom Jones, Luther Vandross, Marvin Gaye, The Righteous Brothers," Jane let out a small laugh, "The Spice Girls?" Sally playfully shrugged that off. "You'd figure the sounds of sex would be something like," Jane demonstrated erotic 'oohs', 'ahs' and 'ohs' much to Sally's amusement. Yet somewhere along the way, Sally let out an 'ooh' as well. However, this one was less sensual and more pained (complete with her hand shooting up to her abdomen). "See you got the right idea, but it needs to sound more sensual."

"I wasn't trying to sound sensual."

"Then there really was no point for you to say 'ooh', was there? You said that as if you were in pain." Jane noticed Sally had her hand on her stomach and was taking some deep breaths. "Unless you are in pain." She quickly took a seat beside her friend. "Sally are you alright?"

Sally sat up straighter and acted as if nothing happen. "I'm fine, really. I was just caught off guard by this pang."

"Pang?"

"A pang: a sharp sensation that occurs for a short amount of time."

"If I wanted the definition, I'd have looked in a definition book. Was the pang like a hunger pang? Do I have to buy you another burger?"

"It wasn't a hunger pang it was more of a…regular pang."

"What's a regular pang?"

"A sharp sensation that-"

"I heard you the first time! Sally, are you trying to convince yourself that it wasn't an apostrophe?"

"An apostrophe?"

"You know, the things women have when they go into labor; the things that have to be timed."

"A contraction!"

"You don't have to sound so uptight about it."

Sally took a deep breath. "No, it was just a pang or at most the start of those damn Braxton Hicks contractions. I am not in labor because my baby's due date is not for another ten days. Labor begins with the waters breaking and then the contractions."

"Not always. In _Sex and the City_ Miranda had those first and her waters broke at the hospital all over Carrie's shoes."

"This is real life Jane, not a television series."

"Well, I'm going to time your apostrophes anyway just to be safe," Jane started the timer on her watch.

"Don't bother, I'm not having _contractions_ ," she put a correcting emphasis on the last word.

"Let me ask you something: do you remember what happened when Susan went into labor?"

"All I remember about that was Steve coming over like a madman yelling that her waters broke. Susan did have a contraction but it didn't seem to bother her."

"She had one of those at my flat, but it seemed to bother Oliver more than her."

"I remember that night; Susan, Steve, Patrick and I watched yours and Patrick's sex tape."

Jane bit her lip to stifle a laugh. "I bet that was fun." Sally gave her an icy look. "For everyone but you I mean." Sally sighed inwardly at that as Jane prattled on. "I can't believe he still kept our tape even after you guys got together." Jane turned and faced Sally. "How about you guys? Do you two have a tape?"

"Absolutely n—well," Sally paused.

This got Jane's attention. "Ooh, go on!"

"Last summer Patrick and I went to a motor show. He was excited, I was bored out of my mind, and I asked if anyone ever had sex in one of the display cars."

"You were so bored you were willing to have sex in public?"

"I was so bored I was willing to go back to our flat and watch every single _Star Wars_ movie with commentary and Patrick loudly humming the theme."

"That boring, huh?"

A sly smiled formed on Sally's face. "Not for very much longer. We managed to sneak into one of the cars and had some really hot sex."

"Ooh!"

"Unbeknownst to us, there were security cameras capturing our intimate moment. When a security guard finally stopped us, he took us to the security headquarters where they showed us our tape. We were going to be banned, but when I saw how discouraged Patrick was I struck up a bargain: we'd get the tape, pay the fine plus a little extra, and Patrick would still be allowed to attend motor shows provided that I didn't go with him."

"That was sweet of you."

"And when we left the security office we had sex in a handicapped stall in the men's bathroom."

"Sally!"

"We get turned on when we do nice things for each other. Patrick would have been devastated if he could never go to a motor show again. I did him a favor by not getting him banned. Bonus: we also got a sex tape out of it without him having to do the taping and I never have to go to one of those motor shows again!" Sally leaned back with an audible sigh, "God, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to Patrick!"

"All this talk of tapes makes me want to put a movie. Do you mind if I put something on?"

"No, go ahead."

"Any preferences?" Sally shook her head no. "Alright," Jane picked a movie and carried it to the VCR. "There's already something in here," she took out the video already in the player. " _Spaceballs_?"

Sally groaned at the mention of the movie. "Patrick's favorite comedy; he keeps trying to get me to watch it, but I won't."

"Why don't you watch it now; see what he likes about it?"

"I'd rather go into labor than watch that movie."

"You probably already are in labor."

"How many times do I have to tell you it was a pang, not a contraction!"

"That's what most of the women say before they go into labor."

"And how would you know that?"

"Television series and movies." Sally scoffed. "Sure most of them are played for laughs but sometimes they're accurate—particularly the dramatic ones where something goes wrong. The more dramatic it is, the more realistic it is."

"Thank you, Jane," Sally sarcastically thanked

"You're welcome," Jane sincerely replied back. Jane set the _Spaceballs_ video aside and put in the other video. "I hope you don't mind, I was in the mood for something nostalgic, heartwarming, and funny—with a dash of adventure all mixed into one." She sat beside Sally. "For whatever reason, I thought back to a conversation we had at the salon a few years back: the conversation with Buzz and Woody."

"So you chose _Toy Story_?"

"Nope, _Porky's_!"

As tempting as it was to question why Jane chose that movie, Sally opted not to ask and instead told her, "That movie belongs to Patrick if you're curious."

"Does he also like old movies?"

"Patrick prefers movies with nudity, violence, nude violence, anything remotely sexual—actual sex, sex talk, and especially sexual innuendos—alcohol, drugs, crime, sports, tasteless toilet humor, superheroes, cartoons, or anything pertaining to cars. So you can imagine how excited he is for that new Pixar movie."

"Which one?"

" _Cars_."

Jane made a noise of agreement. "The title alone is enough to catch his interest." She played the video, but stopped it before it even started.

"What did you do that for?"

"I've got a better idea: why don't we go see a new movie?"

Sally pondered the idea for a few seconds. "Why the hell not?" She gestured for Jane to help her up. "Have you gotten a hold of the boys?"

"No. Should I try Patrick again?"

"Yeah thanks," once on her feet, Sally started making her way to the kitchen. "I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't answer though. So in case he does show up when we're not here, I'm going to leave him a note telling him we've gone to the cinem-ah-ah," she doubled over in pain.

"Oh my God, Sally!"

"I'm fine," she gestured for Jane to stay back, "it's just a pang,"

Jane checked her watch. "It's been almost nine minutes since the last one."

"I'm fine, I just need to sit down," Sally sat on a kitchen chair. "Maybe we should rent a movie."

"Maybe we should go to the hospital."

"I'm fine, Jane!"

"Really?" Jane knelt in front of Sally, "because I've seen you bite your lip an awful lot today."

"Ooh, so I bit my lip. So what?"

"So, you only do that for certain reasons: when you're in or trying to hide pain, when you're super, super excited about something, when you try to keep your mouth shut so you don't say anything stupid or revealing, or when you've got a naughty secret—but that comes with shifty eyes and suspicious hums! I've seen you bite your lip at the church earlier and I saw you do it now!" Sally avoided eye contact. "Tell you what: I'll time your 'pangs' again. If you have another pang within the next nine minutes, I'm taking you to the hospital." Jane stood up. "Wow, I've never had to take charge like this before," she pulled up a kitchen chair, "I don't like it." The two of them sat in silence for half a minute before Jane spoke again. "Are you alright?" Sally nodded. "Should I boil some water or something?"

"No."

"Good." More silence followed.

"Jane-"

"I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies!" Jane suddenly blurted out in a panic.

"Jane?"

"Sorry," she sat back in the chair, "I don't know where that came from."

"Jane, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Let me start by saying I feel somewhat flattered that you paid attention to me on Susan's wedding and that you know my various little habits or quirks of mine."

"I am very observant."

"So am I, and I couldn't help but notice something at the church as well."

"What? Was it Steve's dad proudly convincing everyone Steve wouldn't show up?"

"Okay two things. I noticed you were avoiding Jeff."

"Not true! I said hello to him."

"An incredibly awkward hello. You probably didn't say anything else to him after that." Jane didn't respond. "I've been there." The response this time was Jane looking directly at Sally. "It's awful when you tell someone you love them and they make you wait to tell you whether or not they love you back. I know what that's like and it sucks."

"It worked out for you though; Jeff has a girlfriend."

"So did Patrick."

"A girlfriend who agreed to go on a lesbian date with you! Their relationship was an open one but with Jeff and his girlfriend…" Jane trailed off.

"'With Jeff and his girlfriend' what?" Sally prompted.

"I can't explain it, but I know they really care for each other. If they pursue a relationship, I lose whatever it is I had with Jeff."

"Sex?"

"I didn't think about the sex! Great, I lose that too! Thanks for reminding me, Sally!"

"That was all there is between the two of you! I was there when the truth came out! The only thing based on whatever relationship you have with Jeff is sex!"

"If that's the case, then why do I love him so much?"

"Oh, Jane."

"I mean yes I want him to be happy—even as his friend that's what I want—but when I see them together I just…I just…"

"Lose it?"

"Why can't he be that happy with me?"

"But what if the two of you don't work out as a couple? Then what'll happen?"

"Whatever happens I don't want to lose the sex. It's a special, intimate thing I have with him."

"It's a special, intimate thing you've had with every man you find attractive. What makes Jeff more special than the rest?"

"Remember the last time we took pregnancy tests together?" Sally nodded. "I actually was glad I wasn't pregnant but at the same time I wanted to have Jeff's baby."

"Ugh, you actually wanted to be pregnant?"

"No, I just wanted to have his baby; that doesn't necessarily mean be pregnant."

"I guess you must really love a man if you're willing to have him knock you up."

"Knock me up on what?"

"Oh, never mind."

"Because one time I did let this guy-"

"Never mind Jane!"

Jane got out of the chair. "I'm bored, let's go."

"But nothing's happened."

"I feel like going out, but I can't leave you alone what with you in labor and all that."

"I'm not in-"

"Can I time your apostrophes in a taxi?"

"No, you can't time my contractions in a taxi!"

"Why not?"

"If I'm forced to go to the hospital then I don't want to ride in a taxi."

"Sally, you can't always be too picky."

"Well seeing as though I'm being taken against my will, I'd prefer not to involve other people. If you insist on taking me then you will drive me in Patrick's car."

"That new car he left in the church parking lot? He's got those keys with him."

"No, his other car he told me he sold but obviously didn't."

"Ooh, that red one?"

"He thinks I don't notice it obviously sitting in the parking lot. Hell, he sneaks off at various hours just to sit in the driver's seat. That reminds me: he does take better care of that car than he does himself, so try not to make a mess...and don't get into an auto accident either, I suppose."

"You sure Patrick won't mind we basically carjacked him?"

"He won't even know we took it out. We go to the hospital, the obstetrician says it's a false alarm, we come back here, and Patrick never finds out about it. If he does, so what; I'm his pregnant wife, he'll let it slide. Keys are on the key hook."

"He doesn't even try to hide them?"

"It's Patrick: he tries to hide something but eventually it makes it way to the light."

"Point taken," Jane grabbed the keys as Sally got her purse. "Should I get an overnight bag?"

"No, now can we please go and get this over with?"

"Alright, alright," Jane closed the door behind her and helped Sally to the car. "Quick question."

"What?"

"If I see a cute hitchhiker can I give him a lift?"

"First off, no. Second: why would you ask that after all of that being in love with Jeff crap?"

"It's good to have a backup," Jane started the car and drove off. "Ooh, I've never been behind the wheel of a car this fancy." She let out a somewhat erotic moan and closed her eyes for a second.

"JANE!"

Jane's eyes snapped back open. "Right, driving, sorry. I report traffic, I don't drive in it."

"You do have a driver's license right?" Jane started humming. "Jane?" The humming got louder. "I do notice quirks of yours too and when you're trying to avoid something you hum." Sally's jaw dropped. "You don't have a license?"

"Well, I used to."

" _Used_ _to_?"

"Apparently the police say I'm a threat to the London streets, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to drive," Jane turned her head to Sally. "Relax Sally, I know what I'm doing and I'm very-"

"EYES ON THE ROAD!"

"Sorry!"

"Well, this explains why you're always getting lifts." The next thing Sally knew, Jane had hit the brakes and the car came to a screeching stop. The car wasn't at an intersection or stop sign, but thankfully the people behind them hit their brakes in time. "Jane!"

"Quick stop," Jane turned the car around and did a perfect parallel park between two other cars. "I just saw these gorgeous shoes in that shop window."

"Jane!" too late, Jane was gone. "I give her credit for parallel parking," Sally commented to herself. She adjusted herself to look at the shoes. "Oh God, they are gorgeous. Probably too small for my feet though. God, I can't wait until I can fit into shoes like those again." She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, but quickly regretted doing that.

An upset Jane came stomping back to the car. "Snooty saleswoman acting as if I can't afford them," she complained as she got into the car. "I mean, I can't but she didn't have to point that out. Ooh, perhaps they got the same pair at that other store a few streets away."

"Jane," Sally was staring straight ahead and while her tone was calm, she spoke as if she was about to instigate a serious conversation, "did you forget the reason why I'm in this car?"

"I was going to buy you a nice pair, honest."

"I appreciate that, but aren't we supposed to be going somewhere else first?"

"Sure, the hospital; get in, get checked, get out, and get shoes."

"Yes, right, about that…I…listen: I know how you don't do well in stressful circumstances, but I need you maintain absolute cool. Can you do that?"

"What exactly are you getting at?" Jane started the car.

"My waters just broke."

"I'll get you a refill on the way back."

"No, not beverage water."

"Okay, because I thought it was odd. How could you break your water when you didn't even bring anything to drink? What did you mean by your waters broke?" Jane noticed Sally's eyes gesture down by her feet, so Jane glanced at that area. "Oh." Her eyes widened in panic. "OH!" She rolled down the window.

"So no pressure or anything but-"

"TAXI!"

"Jane! You're driving!"

"Right!" Jane shifted the gear in reverse and backed into the car behind them. "Wrong!" she put it in drive, and the front of the car hit the back of the other car. "Oops, I think I broke the car."

Sally rolled down her window and yelled out, "Taxi!"

…

After having sat in the now damaged vehicle for about ten minutes, the women were escorted to the hospital. Before getting a room, Sally was required to fill out insurance forms among other paperwork while Jane tried to get a hold of any of their friends.

"No one's answering their mobiles," Jane informed Sally. "I can understand why the boys aren't answering, but not Susan."

"Where did you say they were arrested?"

"Brighton."

"Try calling the Brighton Police Department."

"That's actually a good idea." Jane dialed information. "Yes hello, can you connect me to the Brighton Police Department…thank you so much," she lowered the phone, "they're patching me through." Jane waited for a response on the other end. "Yes, hello are you holding Patrick Maitland, I need to speak with him…oh, okay well thank you," she hung up. "The man says we just 'missed him'."

"Missed him? What does he mean by 'missed him'?"

"Dunno; but he said if Patrick had a mobile he's getting it back." Jane started dialing again.

"Shouldn't you wait a minute before phoning in case he doesn't have it on?"

"I'm not calling Patrick."

"Who are you calling?"

"Ssh," Jane waited for the other end to pick up, "yes, hello, I'd like a cheese pizza."

…

"Next time we get arrested, I hope we get booked at an all girl's prison," Oliver grumbled as he drove.

"And that they don't look as ugly as those broads," Jeff added as he got out his phone. "Oh, this isn't good."

"What?"

"I got a missed call from Jane."

"From Jane? Any from Scarlett?"

"Actually…Scarlett and I…we…we're over."

Patrick, who was sitting in the back, leaned forward and consolingly put his hand on Jeff's shoulder. "Sorry mate."

"Yeah, I really liked the two of you together," Oliver was equally dismayed.

"Hope you didn't take the dumping too hard."

"Why do you automatically assume Jeff was the one who was dumped?"

"Because it's Jeff!"

"Actually," Jeff began, "it was a mutual breakup."

"That's code for she dumped him."

"No, it really was mutual. See, we had a deep conversation when I was driving her home last night: she has no problem with me hanging with you guys; but since the whole thing with Jane, she thought that I shouldn't see Jane so much."

"Yeah, sorry, I feel like that's kinda my fault."

"Scarlett doesn't want to be the type of girl who forbids her boyfriend from seeing his friends or other people he cares about. Then she told me she didn't want to be the Scarlett O'Hara to my Ashley Wilkes. I got kinda turned on for a minute and told her I'd be fine with that, but then she told me Ashley was a bloke. She had to clarify she was talking about _Gone with the Wind_. Scarlett said she didn't want to spend her life trying to trap me into loving her when someone else loved me more."

Oliver understood. "I get it. Scarlett, being Scarlett, thinks she's in love with you, the Ashley, when Jane, Melanie, is the one that truly loves you." Confused, Patrick stopped listening and took out his phone.

"Then Scarlett told me that if someone else was in love with me, then I'm not the one for her. She told me she believes in true love and all that crap."

"Ugh, women still believe in that?"

"Scarlett said she'll find the Rhett to her Scarlett someday. She didn't mind letting me go because it was the apparently the right thing for her to do. Then Scarlett said something I tried to deny, but then realized was true and was my reason for breaking up with her."

"What'd she say?"

"She said-"

"That's weird," Patrick interrupted, "I got a bunch of missed calls and voicemails from _Jane_. She leave you guys any voicemail?"

Jeff checked his phone. "No; probably dialed my number and hung up when she got no answer. Jane's kinda been avoiding me since last night."

"Right, yeah, again, sorry," Patrick looked down at his phone. "Oddly enough I don't have anything from Sally. I think I'll check on her." He pressed Sally's number from speed dial and waited.

" _Hello?"_ this voice wasn't Sally's (and this voice had a mouth full of pizza).

Patrick was obviously confused. "Jane?"

Jane made an audible swallow noise. _"Oh, hi Patrick."_

"What are you doing answering Sally's phone?"

" _Because her purse is on the chair with me."_

"Can I speak to her?"

Jane blew out a breath. " _Yeah, probably not a good idea_."

"Why? Is she in bed?"

" _She's in_ a _bed."_

" _A_ bed? Is that implying that she's not in _our_ bed?"

" _You and I don't have a bed Patrick."_

"Jane!"

" _I'll see if she can talk."_

"Is that Jane on the phone?" Jeff asked.

"Ssh," Patrick shushed, "they're up to something, I can tell. Maybe if I listen close I can hear what they're saying." He tried to listen but he couldn't make out what the girls were saying. "I made out the word 'car', but that's about it."

Jeff's mobile then started going off. "It's Steve," he answered his phone. "Hi, Steve."

" _Jeff,"_ this voice wasn't Steve's, _"it's Susan."_

"Sorry, hi _Susan_."

" _Why can't I get a hold of Patrick?"_ Susan sounded a tad frantic.

"He's on the phone with Jane. Why are you using Steve's mobile?"

" _Mine's dead. Has Patrick checked his messages?"_

"I'll ask," Jeff craned his head to look at Patrick, "Patrick did you check your messages?"

"Later, I'm eavesdropping," he tried to shut Jeff up.

Jeff rolled his eyes and addressed Susan. "He's on the phone; can I take a message?" Jeff listened to Susan's quick message and his eyes went wide. "Oh! Oh that's…uh, Patrick!"

"Jeff, quiet!" Patrick demanded. "I'm trying to figure out what's-"

" _Hello Patrick,"_ Sally calmly greeted him on the other end of Patrick's line.

"Sally, hi, how are you?"

" _It's been a pretty eventful day hasn't it?"_

"Look, I don't know what I did so-"

" _Then tell me what you did. In fact, spend the next thirty seconds or so telling me what you've been up to."_

"Why?"

" _Please do this for me,"_ Sally sounded as though she was hiding the fact that she was in pain. _"Now!"_

"Alright, fine, but there isn't really much to tell. Let's see: Steve got arrested for a little misunderstanding and called Jeff asking him to tell Susan on his behalf. Jeff decided we shouldn't bother Susan and that me and Oliver go with him. So we get to Brighton and we're arrested too. A good while later Susan comes in with the priest, her sister, and her kid, and she and Steve get married. We get released, cleared of all charges, and now we're driving back home. Wait...no, that's really all there is to it."

" _You got arrested?"_

"Yeah, but like I said the charges were eventually dropped."

" _And Susan got married without me there?"_

"Let me know if you're going to get mad because that usually comes with screaming and-"

" _No, no. No, I'm trying to stay calm. However, if I tell you something will_ you _promise not to get mad? I mean, I am having your baby after all so keep that in mind."_

"What did you do?"

" _You know that red car in the parking lot that you said you'd sold."_

"Yeah, I did sell it to Susan's brother, Richard. He's dropping by tomorrow to pick it up."

" _Sorry? You actually sold it?"_

"Richard made a great deal on it; he collects cars, you know."

" _No, I didn't know."_

"Oh God, something happened to the car."

" _Well Jane was driving and-"_

"Jane? You let Jane drive my car? Jane can't drive!"

" _You said you wouldn't get mad!"_

"You let Jane drive! Jane! That scenario in itself is an accident waiting to happen! Bloody hell, there was an accident, wasn't there?" Patrick stopped worrying about the car and focused on Sally. "You weren't in the car with her, were you? Sally, are you alright?"

" _I'm fine."_

"Where are you now?"

" _The hospital."_

"You just said you were fine!"

" _I am fine, I'm just in labor. Jane and I were already on the way to the hospital when she bumped into two parked cars."_

"Two parked cars? How did she manage to do that?"

" _Patrick!"_

"What?"

" _Did you hear the first part of that statement?"_

"Yeah, you're fine you're just…" the first part of the statement dawned on him. "Oh my God!"

" _My thoughts exactly."_

"You're having the baby _now_?"

" _Well not right now, but within the next few hours or so."_

"You're not due for another ten days! Can't you hold it in til then?"

Jeff turned to Patrick. "I don't think that's how it works, mate."

Patrick didn't seem to hear him. "Sally, you can't have the baby now! I'm not ready!" He heard heavy breathing on the other end. "Sally?"

" _I'm going to hang up now,"_ Sally spoke through gritted teeth.

"Why?"

" _Because the sound of your voice is causing me more pain than necessary. I don't want to say something we'll eventually regret, so for the sake of all that is good and holy I am going to hang up now. You better hope that by the time you get here I'd have had the epidural."_ Sally's line went dead.

"Fuck," Patrick threw his phone aside. "Oliver, trade seats with me."

"Excuse you?" Oliver questioned back.

"I'm driving."

"No!"

"Then drive faster!"

"What, and get arrested for speeding? I just got out of jail, I don't intend on going back."

"But I'm having a baby!"

"Relax Patrick, it's your first baby."

"What?"

"As a rule, first babies generally take their time to be born."

"If that was the case then my child wouldn't be ten days early!"

"Okay, maybe that was a bad example."

"Just let me drive."

"No! I know this type of scenario: we'll get into a fight and cause the car to crash and it'll take even longer to get there. If that happens then we'll most likely crash into Elise's car and-"

"You just called her 'Elise'," Jeff interrupted. "You said 'Elise's car'."

"Yeah, that is her name…and that is her car."

"But you didn't call her Susan's sister."

"So?"

"Whenever you're attracted girl you never call her by her first name. You give them names like…like Reservation Girl. If you casually say a girl's name it's because she's a friend or you're not attracted to her…or both."

"Well, I'd like to be friends with Elise."

"But she's available now!"

"No, she's divorced; that doesn't automatically mean she's single. She could be seeing someone."

"True. Plus, you didn't get nervous when you chatted her up when you were behind bars."

"I don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with Elise."

"Yeah but-"

"For Christ's sake, he's seeing another woman!" Patrick blurted out. "Now can I please drive the damn car?"

"How do you know?"

"Short answer: there's a piece of woman's jewelry back here." Patrick dropped the piece of jewelry he discovered at Jeff.

"You've started dating again and you didn't tell me?"

Oliver twitched a little. "It only just happened! I haven't told anyone because I want to be sure it's…you know, real."

" _Only just happened_?"

"It's complicated."

"You know what's not complicated," Patrick began, "letting me drive this car."

"No, I will not let you drive my car. Please stop stressing me out! I don't work well under pressure."

"Speaking of 'under pressure', can we get some music in here?" Jeff inquired.

"Yes, fine, whatever! Just keep the volume down." Jeff happily turned on the radio. "Look Patrick, why don't you call Sally again and stay on the line until we get to the hospital?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Sally doesn't want to hear his voice," Jeff informed. "It's apparently causing her pain."

"Then talk to Jane! Jane's with her she'll keep you updated. She never shuts up! I'm sure she'll give you a complete play by play."

"But listening to Jane causes _me_ pain," Patrick protested.

"Does it matter? So long as you're keeping connected with Sally."

Patrick groaned. "The things I do for Sally," he redialed the number.

" _Hello?"_ Jane answered again.

"Hi Jane."

" _Hi Patrick!"_ her tone was visibly more enthusiastic than his.

"Can I talk to Sally?"

" _Sally can't talk right now; she's in her 'safe place'. You can talk to me_."

"Alright fine, how is Sally?"

" _God, not everything is about her you know. What about me? Aren't you going to ask me how I'm doing today_?"

"No!"

" _Rude. Call back later when she-"_

"Don't hang up! I'd like to know what's going on with my wife and you're the only one who's there with her."

" _Oh, you're so sexy when you care."_

"Yeah, yeah, sexy, whatever; has the doctor been in it?"

" _Oh, now you want to talk about the doctor?"_

"Jane!"

" _If you must know: no, the doctor has not been in. Your regular obstetrician is on holiday and they're trying to call in another. Every now and then we have this nurse come in and check her progress. We had a nurse in here about fifteen minutes ago_ — _comely young thing with gorgeous hair you could just eat up."_ Patrick was more than confused by that last remark. _"Anyway, she said that Sally's cervix was nearly dilated to four."_

Patrick winced. "Do you really have to use the word 'cervix'?" Even Jeff and Oliver cringed at that word. "Those are one of the words you just don't say to a man."

" _But that's the technical term she used; how else would you expect me to word it? I don't even know what it means!"_

"Moving on: what exactly happened to my car?"

" _You insensitive prick!"_

"What? What'd I do now?"

" _Your wife is giving birth to your child and all you can think about is your car! Jesus Patrick, you're so self-absorbed."_

Exasperated, Patrick covered his forehead with his hand. "Can I talk to Sally now please?"

" _Doubt it; she's still in her safe place. I'm afraid of what would happen if I brought her back to reality. And why does she hum_ Madame Butterfly _when she goes to her safe place? It's rather annoying. I can hum something much better, and much louder."_

"Please don't."

"Isn't Sally in enough pain?" Oliver's mumble garnered a chuckle from Jeff.

Patrick shushed them before talking into the receiver. "Jane, can you just keep me updated until I can talk to Sally?"

Jane moaned. _"Do I have to?"_

"Yes."

" _I suppose you'd also like a complete play by play of what's going on?"_

"Just keep me updated until I can talk to her."

" _Ooh,"_ Jane was intrigued by something, _"this machine's doing something."_

"What machine?"

" _The nurse said it monitors constructions."_

"Constructions?"

" _Which is strange because we didn't pass by any construction zones. It's a magic little machine because it apparently starts monitoring them before they start. Somewhere out there there's some pretty busy construction right now."_

…

As all of their friends were traveling from Brighton to London, Jane was finding ways to occupy her time in a hospital room. Tired of just sitting there playing with an empty pizza box, she started moving about the room while talking to Patrick when she noticed the contraction monitor was doing something. This suddenly got her interest and she forgot she was having a conversation for a moment.

" _What machine?"_ Patrick's question reminded her he was still on the other line.

"The nurse says it monitors constructions," Jane kept her eyes on the monitor unaware that Sally's eyes had snapped open and her mouth hung open in pained fear.

" _Constructions?"_

Sally tried to reach for her friend. "Jane."

"Which is strange, because we didn't pass by any construction zones," Jane didn't notice Sally. "It's a magic little machine because it apparently starts monitoring them before they start. Somewhere out there there's some pretty busy construction right now." She paused. "Why would a hospital want to monitor constructions?"

"Jane."

"Is it so the ambulances can avoid them?"

"Jane."

"Wouldn't it be easier if they could actually see it on a television monitor?"

"JANE!"

Jane finally noticed her friend. "Oh, hi Sally." She noticed Sally's pained expression. "Are you having an apostrophe?"

"They're called contractions you deluded bitch!"

"You're really cranky when you're in pain; do you know that?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

" _What's going on?"_ Jane seemed to have forgotten Patrick again.

"Oh right, you're still there," that basically backed that fact up. "Hold on, I'll put you on speaker," Jane put the phone on speaker. "Now could you kindly tell Sally it's not polite to swear around babies?"

"Sod off, slut!" Sally snapped.

"Firstly: rude. And B: that nurse said that someone is required to be in here with you. You think I actually want to be here?"

" _You do realize that_ I'm _still technically here,"_ Patrick casually reminded.

"Shut up, Patrick!" at least the girls could agree on that.

Sally calmed down after the contraction slowed. "Okay, that one hurt."

"Why was your hand flailing about?" Jane question also came with a (poor) demonstration of the gestures Sally made with her hand.

"Because I was reaching for your hand; I'd like to have something to grip onto."

Patrick cleared his throat. _"Can I talk now?"_

Sally gestured for Jane to bring the phone closer to her. "Yes Patrick, it's fine now."

" _How are you?"_

"I've been better. How much longer do you think you'll be?"

" _Dunno; we'd be here a lot faster if Oliver would let me drive."_

" _Let it go, Patrick,"_ the girls heard Oliver tell him.

" _Should be there within the hour or so."_

Sally raised her eyebrow (though her husband couldn't see). "Or so?"

" _I know, I want to be there too but I can't right now."_

"But what if the contractions start getting closer?"

" _I can't do anything about that!"_

"Obviously not."

" _Well did you bring your Koosh?"_

Jane made a disgusted face. "Ew!"

Sally nodded. "It's in my handbag. Jane, could you bring me my Koosh."

"I can't very well do that when there's a baby coming out of it."

"It's not another name for a vagina, it's a stress ball! Look in my bag for a ball with rubber spikes on it."

Jane searched through the purse until she found it. "This thing?" she squeezed the Koosh ball. "I just call it a squeezy ball." She continued squeezing it with delight. "Ooh, this is fun!"

Sally reached for the phone and turned off speaker. "Patrick, I'm scared."

" _I know, but everything's going to be fine,"_ he assured. _"I know you're afraid of pain but-"_

"It's not so much the pain. I'm just afraid Jane will be one of the first people our daughter comes in contact with," Sally turned to see Jane laughing with childish delight as she squeezed the stress ball. "Just get here as soon as humanly possible." Before Patrick could say anything, there were tires squealing, something bumping against something else, and a huge thud. "Patrick? Patrick, are you there?"

" _Fucking ow!"_ then there was another noise Sally couldn't distinguish.

"Are you alright? Patrick? Patrick!"

" _Hi Sally,"_ this response came from Jeff _. "He'll call you back."_

"What's going on?"

" _Sorry can't hear you, going through tunnel,"_ he made some static noise before quickly hanging up.

"Jane," Sally snapped her fingers, "Koosh, now!"

…

Oliver ran to check on the people and car in front of him. "You guys okay?" He heard Joshua crying. "Is Josh okay?"

Susan looked her son over. "Yeah, he's fine just a bit shaken. Ssh, it's okay," she tried to soothe the baby. "I think the only accident he had was in pants."

"Christ, I am so sorry," Elise apologized as she fixed her hair and adjusted her seatbelt. "That dog came out of nowhere! Are you sure Joshua's alright?"

"Yeah he's fine. Steve, are you okay?"

Steve had fallen forward, the front of his head coming in contact with the metal bar of the passenger headrest. When he sat back, there was a more-than-obvious hint of blood. "Blimey, that hurt more than it should have."

"Oh my God!"

"What am I bleeding?" Steve put his fingers to his forehead and then examined them. "Gah!"

"I think you might need stitches!"

"Don't be ridiculous; it's probably just a little cut."

"Trust me, it's not."

Elise directed her attention to Oliver. "Is everyone okay in your car?"

"Well..." Oliver's tone didn't seem all that assuring, "...Jeff and I were in the front and wearing our seatbelts; so at most we got some indents from the belt."

"What about the other guy? Patrick?"

"Well...when I hit the brakes he went forward a bit, but then he went back and that might have…well it sorta, kinda…it knocked him unconscious."

"Oh my God!" even Susan and Steve joined Elise on that.

"So before we do anything, there's a matter of who to call first."

"Call a towing company," Elise suggested.

"I thought of that but what about Sally? Patrick was talking to her when we hit you. She sort of has to know what's going on."

"We should call an ambulance," Susan pointed out.

"Yeah, but they'd take us to the nearest medical center and we need to get to the hospital with Sally and Jane."

Elise noticed something in her rearview mirror. "Is your friend on the phone with someone?"

Oliver turned to see if she was right. She was. "Damn! Be right back!" He ran back to his car.

"You can do that?" Jeff asked the person on the other end of the line. "Won't you get in trouble…what for…alright, thanks," Jeff hung up. "Ollie, I got us a ride to the hospital."

"The one where Sally's at? How?"

"I called Jane."

"And she talked to you?"

"She's gonna help us."

"How?"

"Jane said she can get the pilot of her helicopter to fly us to the hospital if we have a medical emergency. I just tell him where we are before he takes off, and he lands nearby and transports us to the roof of the hospital."

"I never thought I'd say this: but God bless Jane Christie."

"How's everyone in the first car?"

"Joshua and the girls are fine, but Steve hit his head pretty hard against the driver's side headrest and might need some stitches."

"On his forehead?" Oliver nodded. "I don't know about you, but I'd be pretty tempted to call him 'Frankensteve'." They shared a laugh before Jeff abruptly stopped. "What if Patrick and Steve got amnesia after they hit their heads?"

"Doubt it; Steve still knows who he is. And that sort of thing happens in stupid American sitcoms when they need a filler episode."

"Well yeah, but that just gave me an idea for a short story. What if Steve and Patrick hit their heads in an accident, and accidentally switched minds. Like a _'Freaky Friday'_ thing; Steve's mind would be in Patrick's body and Patrick's mind would be in Steve's body. Oh, and it happens on a day like today when one of them is supposed to get married and the other's having a baby!"

"Hey yeah! I can help you write it and we can upload it online," his enthusiasm faltered a bit. "How is Patrick by the way?"

Jeff quickly glanced at their friend. "Still breathing," and that was the end of that. "What if these guys in the story don't know each other and it's like a random chance thing."

"It would make for good comedy, but that kind of scenario is unlikely. And it can't be all comedy; I mean, you gotta have a heartwarming scene in there too but don't make it too…"

"Gay?"

"I was thinking too _schmaltzy_."

"Do people still use that word?"

Elise pressed down on her horn. "Oh damn, I was talking to Elise," he ran back to her car.

…

Jane came back into the room as a new doctor was examining Sally. "I didn't realize we had company," she sat in the nearby chair with her hands covering her eyes. "I don't believe we've met."

"Doctor Tennant, Jane. Jane, Doctor Tennant," Sally quickly introduced.

"Nice to meet you Doctor Tennant. For the record: I'm technically single. Sally and I aren't lesbians."

"Jane!" Sally was appalled.

"That's nice to know," the doctor finished his examination. "I'm sure my boyfriend would like to know that too." Jane couldn't help but pout at that as she lowered her hands. He took his used gloves off and threw them away. "You're making excellent progress, Sally. I'd say you'd deliver late tonight or early tomorrow."

"How early tomorrow?"

"No later than two o'clock in the morning. It's nearing seven now and you've still got plenty of time."

"Oh, joy."

"I'll be back in an hour or so," he left the women alone.

Jane was still pouting. "Why are all the cute ones taken? I can get over him being gay, but another man's snogged him before me! God, he seems so perfect. He's way too good looking _and_ he's a doctor!"

"What about the whole wanting to be with Jeff thing?" Sally questioned.

"It's good to have a backup. How many times do we have to go over that, Sally?"

"You only say that backup line because you're single and desperate."

"Oh, that's just the pain talking. Don't worry, I forgive you."

"That doctor was attractive though," Sally couldn't help but let out a small laugh. "He'd definitely get Patrick jealous."

"Patrick, jealous?"

"Oh, sure. Patrick gets uncomfortable with other men even looking at me now that we're married. When I was looking for an obstetrician, he asked if it could be female. When I asked him why, he didn't have an excuse until after he found out we were having a girl."

"Did he use the women can do anything line?"

"Big time."

"Can we mess with Patrick and not tell him the doctor's gay?"

"Ooh, yeah. I'll consider it a small form of punishment for him not arriving on time." Sally paused. "I'm surprised Patrick hasn't gotten back in touch with me yet."

"Oh, that's because he's unconscious."

"What?"

"Apparently Patrick hit the back of his head real hard that he got knocked temporarily unconscious."

"Why didn't you tell me this?"

"I forgot."

"Oh my God! How could you forget _that_?"

"If it helps: I forgot Steve's forehead split open and he needs stitches."

"Do I really give a fuck about Steve?"

"You could be a little more empathetic. Steve could have gotten amnesia."

"They could have gotten killed!"

"I said be more empathetic, not pessimistic. Don't worry: I took care of it for you."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I called in a favor and got them a ride to the hospital."

"To _this_ hospital?"

Jane nodded. "And I said there was a medical emergency—which there is, so I can't get arrested for fraud. I called to double check with Jeff, and he said it would take some time for the pilot to fly near their location; but the traffic helicopter should be on its way to the guys right now."

"Oh Jane, that was…you really…thank you so much."

"Please don't do me any favors; it'll be enough just to get out of this room."

"Are you sure Patrick and I can't do anything for you?"

Jane patted Sally's stomach. "Just make sure you hold that baby in until he gets here."

"You're not going to ask me to name her after you or anything?"

"Oh no, I'm saving that name for my future daughter. Jane Christie the Second sounds more classier than Jane Christie Junior, don't you think?"

"Wouldn't the baby have the father's last name?"

"I never did find a man I'd like to father a child with until now." Jane tilted her head in thought. "Ugh no, that name doesn't work with his last name; I still prefer Jane Christie the Second."

"You know: Christie could be used as your future daughter's middle name. Jane Christie Murdock sounds nice if you ask me."

"Harper makes a good name too. You could name your daughter Sally Harper Maitland."

"God no; I hate my name. I was only named Sally because my father promised his grandmother he'd name his first daughter after her."

"Really?"

"It's a Harper Family tradition. The first born promises that they'll name their first child after their respective grandparent."

"You're the oldest in your family; do you have to name your baby after your grandmother?"

"To make it worse I promised my grandmother _on her deathbed_ that I'd name my first daughter after her. That was when I was when I was sixteen and convinced I was never going to have children. I think me having a girl is Eleanor Harper's form of karma."

"Your grandmother's name was Eleanor? God, that such an old person's name. I feel so sorry for your baby."

"Ah, but I didn't exactly promise Eleanor that would be my daughter's _first_ name. I'm sure my grandmother won't care that it's a middle name. She's dead anyway, so I don't see how it matters."

"Oh, that's deviously sneaky. You should have been a lawyer. So what are some first names you had in mind?"

"I'm open to any suggestions."

…

"So you still haven't told us who you're seeing," Jeff (loudly) reminded Oliver as the rode in the helicopter.

Steve sat nearby with a handful of tissues on his forehead. "Oliver, you're seeing someone?" His voice was also loud so it could be heard amongst the sound of the rotors.

Oliver twitched again and loudly answered back, "It's kinda new."

"New?"

"As in I'm still not sure how to define whatever relationship we have. We only talked about it last night."

" _We_ meaning you and…"

"Jeff still didn't finish his story!"

"You and Jeff?"

"No, Jeff was telling us about his mutual breakup with Scarlett before Patrick interrupted."

This time, Jeff twitched. "Oh yeah."

"When you say 'mutual breakup'," Steve began, "you mean you also had a reason for dumping this woman?" Jeff nodded. "I never thought I'd live to see this day." Steve pinched himself. "No, I'm awake. What was wrong?"

"Scarlett said something that made him realize why Jeff should break up with her," Oliver informed him.

"What did she say?"

"Scarlett said I was in love with Jane," Jeff took a quick breath before continuing on, "and I am."

"You're what?!" both Steve and Oliver were surprised by this revelation.

"At first I tried to deny it, but Scarlett said that we both knew she was right. It's spooky how women have intuitions on those kinds of things."

"And Scarlett was okay with this?" Steve questioned.

"Scarlett's a hopeless romantic and believes in true love."

"There are women who believe in that crap?"

"She said she'll find the one for her someday, but still wants to be my friend. I just don't know how Jane will react. I know she said she loved me, but she didn't do that when I was with Julia or before that."

"Yeah, but you didn't let sex get in the way of your guys' friendship until last summer. Sex and romance complicates things you know—especially between friends."

"I dunno; you ever think maybe the six of us were supposed to be couples. You and Susan, Patrick and Sally, and me and Jane; a coupling trio"

"Hey!" Oliver whined.

"Then Oliver and whoever forming a coupling quartet."

"None of us ever really would have become a group if Susan and I hadn't gotten together," Steve pointed out. "Besides, you knew Jane long before Susan entered the picture and hated her."

"Because she was an unflushable then."

"Is that a Jeffism I should know about?" Oliver asked.

"Why are you wasting your time like this?" Susan was also nearby and speaking loud so she could be heard. "Check and see if Patrick is alright?"

"He's fine," Steve assured without checking.

"Steve!"

"He's snoring louder than the helicopter rotors. At same point he regained consciousness and fell asleep."

"Then wake him up; we're almost there."

"You wake him up!"

"You wake him up!"

"Can we just let him stay like that and have a doctor wake him up?"

"Steve!"

"I doubt he'd even be able to hear us." Susan huffed. "It's a fair compromise. We're married now, Susan; marriage is full of compromises."

"Oh really?" Jeff and Oliver backed away as best as they could.

"Can we compromise and say that you won?"

"Apparently."

"Am I going to regret this conversation later?"

"We'll see."

They sat in silence the rest of the way there. Once the helicopter landed on the hospital roof, there was a small group of hospital staff waiting with a wheelchair. The pilot turned off the engine. "You're all set; now will those who are conscious get out of my helicopter."

Jeff patted his shoulder. "Thanks again, mate."

"Don't mention it…ever. Tell Jane 'good riddance and it should have happened sooner'."

"Uh…sure," Jeff exchanged confuses glances with Oliver before stepping off.

"What did he mean by that?" Oliver asked.

"Dunno."

Susan exited behind them carrying her son. She made her way over to one of the doctors. "I asked my husband to stay in there until he gets the okay from you guys. He split his head open on the metal part of a headrest and the other guy's semi-conscious." The medical team nodded and went into the helicopter as Elise got out.

"The cut doesn't look too bad," the doctor examined Steve's cut. "There's still a little bleeding; might require a couple stitches. You okay to walk or do you need a wheelchair?"

"I'm alright," Steve assured.

Another doctor was tending to Patrick. "Hey!" he gently shook Patrick. "Wake up!"

"I can't stay the night, I've got a breakfast meeting," Patrick mumbled.

"I think we should keep this one under observation."

"Get him scanned just to be safe," the other doctor instructed. "Come on, we'll get you stitched up," he led Steve out.

"Will Patrick be alright?" Steve questioned.

"We're just going to run some tests to make sure he won't suffer any long term effects."

"How long will that take?"

"I can't say for sure."

"Can you make sure he's done in time for him to witness the birth of his child?"

"Can you not tell me how to do my job?"

"I didn't technically-"

"Steve!" Oliver met up with Steve, "I'm staying here with you."

"Why? Isn't Susan staying?"

"She's getting a taxi and taking Jeff and Elise back to the church to get their respective cars. Susan's also taking Josh to her Mum's and then coming back here to wait with Sally."

"So Susan's not going to wait with me?"

"Speaking of waiting: Susan also wants you and me to wait with Sally until she or Patrick gets there."

"What? No!"

"Then Susan told me to tell you it's a fair compromise and that marriage is full of compromises."

"God, this is going to be a long wait."

…

This is one of the few times Steve wished he wasn't right. After getting stitched up and band-aided, he headed to the maternity ward to wait with Sally (who was less than enthusiastic to see him) while Oliver and Jane safely waited outside the room.

"The uh…" Oliver stammered a bit, "…the pilot told us to tell you 'good riddance and it should have happened sooner'. I don't know what it means exactly but-"

"He's happy that I got sacked," Jane cut him off.

"You got sacked?" Jane nodded. "So _that's_ why you came to the shop asking for a job. Jane, I…I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault. The new station manager's mistress wanted my job, so he gave it to her."

"That's awful!"

"I threatened to sue unless they let me borrow the station helicopter."

"Wow, that was very noble of you."

"Sally promised to make it up to me somehow, but I told her not to worry about it."

"I like seeing this side of Jane; the side that puts others before herself. You should bring her around more often."

Jane smiled. "You're way too sweet, you know that." Oliver blushed. "I want you to know that you'll always be my number two guy no matter who comes along."

"And you'll always be my number two gal."

Jane gave him a funny look. "Why am I not number one?" A panicked Steve ran out of Sally's room as Sally finished yelling some obscenities at him. "Steve, are you alright?"

"Please tell me you've heard anything on Patrick!" Steve begged.

"No one's come to tell us anything," Oliver informed. "Did you ask anyone to keep us updated?"

Steve thought about that. "Actually, no, I don't s'pose I did."

"Do you even know where they're keeping him?"

"Probably should've asked that too."

"Fine," Jane stood up. "I'll go check on him."

Oliver also got up. "I'll go with you," he followed Jane.

"No!" Steve tried to object. "No, please don't leave me alone with-"

"Steve!" an angry sounding Sally called for him.

"Bloody hell," Steve let out a miserable groan before dragging himself back into Sally's room.

…

Jane knocked on the door and then opened it before anyone could answer. "Are you alive in there?"

"Finally, actual people," Patrick was sitting upright in a hospital bed holding an ice pack to the back of his head.

Jane entered the room with Oliver behind her. "So you're conscious then?"

"Yeah, they used those nasty smelling salts to get me to wake up. They found it odd that I was asleep after being knocked unconscious."

"Well, it is kinda odd," Oliver commented.

"Is it? Huh. That always happens every time I get knocked out; thought it was normal. Anyway, I got a pretty nasty looking bump so they're making me hold this ice pack to my head so the swelling goes down. Once it does they're going to run a scan of my brain."

"How long is it going to take?"

Patrick shrugged. "I suggested holding two ice packs to the back of my head so the swelling goes down twice as fast, but they looked at me like I escaped from the psychiatric floor. I'm starting to think I'm not going to get out of here in time."

"You might," Jane tried to assure. "The pediatrician said around seven that there was still plenty of time." No one bothered to correct Jane's mistake.

"How is Sally anyway?"

"I like her better when she's not in pain—she's much easier to deal with. She's making progress though. The doctor said she's definitely going to have the baby by late tonight, or early tomorrow."

"How early tomorrow?"

"Two in the morning."

"You'll most likely be out by then," Oliver also tried to help. "Until then Sally's got Steve down there, and Jeff and Susan should be getting back soon. Steve and Susan have been through this and Jeff loves to help out his friends, so Sally's in good hands."

Patrick sighed. "Listen, I'd feel really better if one of you stayed here with me so that we can keep everyone updated easily."

"Sure, I'll stay with you," Oliver volunteered.

Jane gasped. "Are you kidding? Do you know what I had to go through to get _away_ from Sally? Now I have to go back?"

"Jeff will be there."

"Well…it'd be nice to have someone to talk to. I suppose I can do that after I make a quick trip back home. Anyway, get well soon Patrick," Jane gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and left.

"So," Oliver sat in the nearby chair and tried to make small talk, "what do you like to talk about?"

Patrick thought about that. "Cars."

"They're…an excellent mode of transportation."

"Golf."

"It's a sport…that can also be miniature."

"Sex."

Oliver turned red and squirmed in his seat. "Well…uh…it's…nice."

"Women."

"They're…also nice I guess—depends on the woman though."

"Speaking of women; I was just wondering who you-"

"Tamsin okay! I'm seeing Tamsin!"

"-think would win in a fight between Mary Jane Watson and Lois Lane. You're seeing your ex-girlfriend? Isn't that like a taboo?"

"I don't really know if I'm seeing her it's…it's complicated."

"You said it only just happened."

"By that I meant us talking about getting a relationship going again. A while back, Tamsin comes to my flat at one in the morning with a screaming baby asking for help. She got kicked out of her apartment and she didn't have the money to get to her family so I was her last resort. I couldn't turn her away so I helped her as best I could. I guess I grew kinda attached to Fiona and suddenly she starts calling me 'Dada'."

"But you're not her father."

"Tamsin didn't have the heart to tell her I'm not and now Fiona's convinced that's who I am. Then last night when the fight broke out, I thought it would be safe to get Fiona out of there. I get them to their new apartment, help put Fiona to bed, Tamsin gives her a goodnight kiss and tells her she loves her, I just tell the kid goodnight and she responds with 'love you Dada'."

"That's kinda cute."

"Then when Tamsin and I are alone, she brings up us starting a relationship again."

"Mainly for the kid's sake?"

"That's what I thought too; but Tamsin said she started having second thoughts about us a few months after I helped her get back on her feet."

"You slept with Tamsin last night, didn't you?"

"No, but I told her I'd consider the relationship thing?"

"Then why was her bracelet in the back of your car?"

"It's not Tamsin's, it's mine." Patrick gave him a strange look. "I meant it was mine to give to Fiona. See, she's going to a princess party and Tamsin wants to dress her up as Cinderella and we're buying Fiona the Cinderella ball gown costume. That was actually a replica of Cinderella's choker, but it was a little big for Fiona's neck."

"What the hell is a princess party?"

"You said you were having a girl?"

"Yeah."

Oliver chuckled. "You'll find out."

"I guess it's safe to assume that you've also helped take care of a baby girl?"

"Yeah, I guess I have."

"Then...do you have any…advice?"

"You're asking _me_ for advice?"

"Guess so."

"Um…okay, sure; what do you want to know?"

…

"Talk!" Sally suddenly barked at Steve.

Steve, who was fingering the Band-Aid on his forehead, looked at Sally confused. "Sorry?"

"Talk or something! Make some kind of noise!"

"You literally just told me to shut up."

"That was before the nice man gave me the epidural."

"So it's okay for me to talk now?"

"The sound of a man's voice when I'm contracting is very irritating."

"I'll keep that in mind for the future."

"Okay I'm just going to ask: why?"

"I don't actually have a reason I was just-"

"No, why did you abandon Susan at the altar?"

"I didn't!"

"Then why didn't you show up?"

"I was going to, but then I got arrested."

"For what?"

"A misunderstanding."

"Why won't you any of you tell me why? I think I have some right to now seeing as my husband got arrested when he tried to post your bail."

"The police thought I was the Brighton Bandit and that Patrick, Oliver, and Jeff were my accomplices."

"And that's it?"

"Yes, that is it."

"So you were arrested because you looked similar to a bunch of burglars."

"Basically."

"How can you be confused for a bunch of burglars? Did you look like one of them in disguise?"

"Out of disguise."

"What?

"The police thought I was the leader of the group out of disguise. They assumed the bandits were…were cross dressers."

"They thought you were the leader of a gang of cross dressing bandits in Brighton?"

"Yes." Sally burst into laughter. "It's not funny!"

"Yes it is! That's the funniest thing I've heard all day!"

"Well I'm glad someone else found my incarceration amusing."

"Sorry," Sally apologized while laughing.

"You really seem to enjoy when humiliating things happen to me. That's really the only time I see you laugh."

"It takes a lot to get me to laugh; though I do tend to laugh more at other people's humiliations."

"I can't exactly blame you for that. It is funnier when embarrassing things happen to other people."

"I guess that's something we have in common."

"You know: I've known you for six years now and I don't know much about you. I know everything there is to know about your best friend and your husband, but not you—and I've seen you naked. Other than that, it's like we never had much interaction just the two of us. Not even when you asked me to be your pretend husband to get back at Patrick."

"Every time we have any interaction there's always someone there. In fact: Patrick was there for both of those times."

"Right! Everything I know about you I learned from someone else. This is the first time it's just us."

"Okay then, is there anything you want to know?"

"Actually yeah: remember when you got super drunk and did that 'Susan the Happy Trotting Elf' dance?"

"No, not really."

"Right, you were super drunk. Well, you did a somersault and held up one of your legs while wearing these high heeled boots and I'm curious to know how you did that."

"As a woman, you have to become accustom to doing things while wearing heels."

"No, I wouldn't know."

"As for the somersaulting and leg lift, those probably stemmed from all those years of cheerleading."

"You were a cheerleader?"

"Oh yeah; how else was I supposed to meet cute boys?"

"Wow. I've learned something new about you and your husband today."

"I thought you knew everything there was to know about Patrick?"

"Okay, maybe there are some things I don't know about him. Today I learned that you used to be a cheerleader and that Patrick can sing."

"He's surprisingly good isn't he? Patrick's musically inclined, you know. He can play guitar, bass, and drums."

"No, seriously?"

"For what he lacks in brains he makes up for in other areas. Did you know his original goal was to be a rockstar? The reason was so that he can bag a lot of girls, but I still found his wanting to be a rockstar surprising."

"What about you, what did you want to be?"

"Thin, beautiful, married to someone filthy rich, and as far away from Gloria as possible."

"Who's Gloria?"

"My mother."

"Ah."

"Oh look," Sally pointed to the machine that monitored contractions. "I'm about to have a contraction."

"Should I stop talking?"

"No," she let out a blissful sigh, "you won't cause me pain. Hell, I can't even feel a thing," letting out another satisfied sigh, she closed her eyes and drifted to her safe place (as evident by the humming).

"Sally?" Steve waved his hand in front of her face. "Right I'm just going to…stare at the wall and what not." There they sat amidst the sounds of machinery and Sally's humming. "So you've got a quartet in your happy place then?"

"You're that bored huh?"

"No! No, no I just-"

Sally opened her eyes and pointed to her handbag. "There's a deck of cards in my bag if you want to play poker." Sally pulled out the tray attached to the hospital bed.

Steve looked at her with surprise. "You play poker?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

…

Once he was cleared to go, Patrick bolted out of his hospital room with Oliver lagging a bit behind. Patrick raced to the nearby elevators where he was surprised to see someone familiar there. "Susan?"

"Patrick, hi," she greeted. "I was just coming to check on you." She noticed Oliver catch up. "I thought you'd be alone and I figured I'd check on you before going to see Sally."

"How's she doing?"

"Dunno; I went home and then came back here."

"Isn't anyone with her?"

"I know Steve is, but he hasn't got a mobile so I can't get a hold of him." Susan calmly pushed the down button. "Let's just get down to the maternity floor and find out what's going on."

"You sure it's a good idea to take the lifts?" Oliver inquired. "What with all that's happened today I think we should play it safe and take the stairs. I mean if you look at the big picture everything seems like a giant sitcom cliché with one disaster after another. You know? Craziness!"

"Last I check this is real life and not a sitcom," Patrick remarked as the elevator doors opened. "Besides, this way's faster." Oliver sighed and got in the elevator as Susan pushed the desired button. "We'll be there before you can say Bob's your Uncle."

The lights began flickering and the next thing they knew, the elevator had come to a sudden stop. "Bob's your Uncle."

_**To Be Continued…** _


	8. Something New

Jeff—having snuck off for a bit to avoid the hospital—was somewhat surprised to find there was nobody waiting outside Sally's room when he arrived. Cautiously opening the door, he was equally surprised to find a poker game was going on between Sally, Steve, and Jane.

"Hi Jeff," Steve greeted while keeping his eyes on his cards.

"Um…hi," Jeff was obviously confused. "Sally, aren't you supposed to be lying down in agony screaming?"

"Epidural," she responded without taking her eyes off of her cards.

"And you're all playing poker?"

"Don't just stand there like an idiot. You can join us if you'd like."

"I wouldn't if you value your money," Jane also didn't look up from her hand. "Sally's won herself a fortune."

Jeff looked at Sally quizzically. "Sally, you play poker?"

"I'm learning a lot about Sally today," Steve shuffled the cards in his hand. "Did you know Sally used to be a cheerleader?"

Jeff found an open seat beside Sally. "No kidding? I could never picture you in a cheerleading uniform." That didn't stop Jeff from trying anyway.

"Jeff!"

"Hang on, I almost got it."

"Jeff!"

"Oh, let him indulge in a little fantasy," Sally brushed Steve off. "It's flattering in a demented sort of way. It's nice to have other men find me attractive."

"Especially when you're not," Jane innocently remarked. "I didn't mean you're not always attractive; I just meant at this moment when you're fat, and sweaty, and-"

"Yes, thank you, Jane, I got the point."

"It's kinda hard to sustain the image," Jeff turned to Sally. "Do you have a picture of you in your cheerleading uniform?"

"Okay, now it's creepy."

…

A completely useless Susan was curled up in a fetal position at the corner of the elevator repressing a traumatic childhood memory. "Is Susan claustrophobic?" Oliver inquired.

Patrick shrugged. "She has a fear of being trapped in enclosed spaces for too long. Thirty seconds is fine, but if it goes on any longer she'll freak out. It was funny the first time, now it's rather annoying."

Oliver groaned as he leaned his head back against the elevator wall. "That technician said it'd be fixed within the next hour. How long has it been?"

"Five minutes."

"Five minutes?"

"Not counting the nearly two hours we've been trapped in here."

Something inside Oliver Morris snapped. "I told you people this was a classic sitcom trope! Did any of you listen to me? No!"

"Did you know that this was going to happen?"

"No, I just had a feeling it would. I've seen this done to death on every sitcom! There's been a lot of buildup for a wedding or a birth episode but then something comedic—or something that's s'posed to be comedic—will happen, thereby impeding half or both of the couple from getting to the church or hospital. And while it's usually something different that stops them from getting there, the end results never change and they either get married, or have a baby, or sometimes both!"

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I look at today as the much anticipated episode featuring a wedding and a birth: Susan and Steve are gonna get married, Steve doesn't show up and gets arrested, he and Susan get married in jail, then Sally goes into labor unexpectedly, there are obstacles that prevent everyone from getting to the hospital, disasters happen, but in the end she'll have the baby and everything's happy again."

"Yeah, but will I be there? You're the supposed sitcom expert; you tell me."

"This can play out three ways: the most likely outcome is you'll arrive just as Sally delivers, missing nothing."

"I like that option."

"Another option is you're not there for the actual birth and have to be substituted by an unlikely friend or acquaintance. On occasion the friend will tape the birth or have you on speaker phone listening to everything."

"Next choice."

"Next choice is a more dramatic route where they need to perform a C-section, but the guy always makes it in time for that too."

"That's just a little better, but I'm still not liking those last two options."

"There is a sort of option where the father-to-be makes it to the delivery room, but then passes out."

"Yeah, can we go back to the first option? How can we make that work?"

"I don't think we can."

"Why not?"

"If you look at this as a sitcom, then it'd be evident that we're only the characters. All of the outcomes are determined by the sitcom writer."

"Who's our sitcom writer?"

"Patrick, we have no sitcom writer! This is real life!"

"Is it Steve? Steve's a writer…though I've never actually seen him write." Oliver covered his face in his hands and groaned. "So, that's a no?" Patrick's response was Oliver shaking his head in his hands and Susan blubbering in the corner. Unsure of what to do, Patrick tried to get a hold of any of the others on his phone (with no luck). With a sigh, he backed his head against the elevator wall, neglecting to remember the injury he sustained there earlier. Thankfully, the bump wasn't bad enough for him to lose consciousness…

…but it was apparently enough to get the lights in the elevator to turn on.

…

Jane came back into the room just as the others were finishing another round. "Well, I've got a flush," Steve triumphantly flashed his cards, "and last I checked that beats three of a kind."

Sally pushed her face-up cards aside revealing a king, a five, and three sevens. "Damn sevens!"

"I don't know why you're so prejudiced against that number," Jane stated as she sat down. "Isn't it supposed to be a good luck number?"

"Not for me. Never has been, never will be. Let's find a new topic of discussion please."

They started another round in silence before Jane asked, "Did they fix the lifts yet?"

"Dunno," Steve answered back.

"It would suck if a woman in labor was trapped in a lift," Jeff commented. "They've been stuck for what two hours now?"

"I heard a nurse say they got all the lights in there working," Jane added. "And yet she still didn't tell me where the vending machines were."

"Did you ask her _politely_?" Steve emphasized the last word.

"Why should I? She should have known what I wanted just by looking at me that skinny cow."

"Had they figured out why the lifts stopped working?" Jeff inquired.

"Nope."

Jeff decided not to pursue that topic any further. "So Steve, has Susan phoned yet?"

Steve shrugged. "Dunno, she's got my mobile. Remember, she called you while we were driving?"

"Yeah, her mobile died; she was using yours."

"And she never gave it back to me. You three are the only ones who've got your phones on you." Steve looked at the group. "When was the last time any of you checked your mobiles?"

Everyone exchanged glances with each other before reaching for their respective cellular devices. Jeff's eyes widened when he noticed the time. "Bloody hell, have we been playing poker that long?"

Steve looked at his watch. "If that's the case, then shouldn't Patrick and Oliver be here by now?"

"You think they found something wrong with Patrick's brain? Maybe he needed to have like a brain transplant or something."

"A brain transplant?"

"It could happen; and Oliver isn't here because he's part of the brain transplanting!"

"I sincerely doubt that."

"The only way to find out is to call them...unless they're in the middle of the transplant, then that would be rather pointless."

"Your theory is rather pointless."

"Would the two of you shut it?" Sally snapped at them. "Steve, borrow Jeff's mobile and get a hold of Susan. Jane, text Oliver to see what's going on. Jeff…shut up! _I_ will phone Patrick—who I guarantee is _not_ in the middle of a brain transplant."

…

"Is it one of the Monty Pythons?" Oliver and Patrick were in the middle of a(nother) round of _Twenty Questions_ and it was Oliver's turn to guess.

"Yep," Patrick answered with indifference.

"Is it a specific Python?"

"Nope."

"You don't know their names do you?"

"Nope."

"Then why-"

The ringing of a cell phone sent Susan into a panicked screaming fit. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

"Susan calm down, it's just a mobile."

"I'll be a good girl Mummy," she repeated this odd phrase as she rocked herself.

"It's mine," Patrick looked at the caller ID. "It's Sally!" He immediately answered his phone. "Sally, thank God!"

" _Hello Darling,"_ she greeted with sarcastic calmness. _"Are you aware what time is it?"_

Patrick's eyes widened as he looked at his watch "Bloody hell, I am now."

" _You should be here with me, you know_. _"_

"Yes, I should."

" _So why aren't you?"_

"Because the elevator's broken…and I'm trapped in it."

" _Well, that would explain it then."_

"Hey, how come you haven't called me back in the last few hours?"

" _Because I was winning us a fortune beating these suckers in poker."_

Patrick grinned. "That's my girl."

" _I've got Steve, Jane, and Jeff here so it's safe to assume Oliver's with you?"_

"Yep, him and Susan."

" _Susan's with you too?"_ Patrick swore he then heard Steve ask the same question, but with the word 'him' in lieu of the word 'you'. _"What is Susan doing trapped in an elevator with you?"_

"Crying."

" _Okay,_ why _is Susan trapped in an elevator with you?"_

"Well she came to check on me, and I met up with her. We were going to see you when everything stopped working."

" _Patrick, do you not want to be here with me?"_

"Of course I want to be there with you; I don't think I've ever wanted anything more. Why? Do you not want me there?"

" _I would love nothing more than to have you here, but it seems as though fate is stopping you from being here with me."_

"Faith who?"

" _I said_ fate _,"_ she stressed the last word.

"Ah, that makes more sense—I don't think I know any Faiths." Oliver rolled his eyes and started playing with his tie again. With his luck, he was going to be there a while.

…

"Knock, knock," Dr. Tennant came into the room.

Sally waved at him while holding the phone to her ear. "Listen Darling, I've got to put you on speaker, the doctor's just come in."

"Hello Sally, just coming in for another check."

" _Sally, who's that?"_ Patrick questioned through the receiver.

"The doctor," Sally casually responded back.

" _He's not a woman!"_

Dr. Tennant chuckled. "Last I checked."

" _Is he really going to look…down there?"_

"You do realize you're on speaker?" Steve inquired.

" _Hi Steve."_

"Hello Patrick."

"Getting back to the current matter at hand," Sally began, "our regular obstetrician was on holiday and Dr. Tennant was the only available alternative."

" _But he's a bloke!"_ Patrick protested.

"I suppose it makes you uncomfortable that he'll have an all access pass to my vagina?" Steve, Jeff, and Jane cringed at how casually Sally asked that.

" _Well…_ yes! _"_

"For God's sake Patrick, he's just doing his job. Would you rather do it for him?"

" _Not when there's a baby coming out of you."_

"My point exactly! This guy that I only met today gets access 'down there' to pull a human out of my genitals and you get access there any other time you want. It's not like it's going to turn him on, so is there any reason for you to be jealous?"

Jeff giggled. "Sally said genitals."

Steve squirmed. "I'm uncomfortable."

Jane didn't seem too affected. "I'm horny." She grabbed Jeff's arm. "Come on Jeff: let's go have sex in an empty hospital room."

"Okay!" Jeff followed her out like an excited dog.

As they left, Sally and Steve swore they heard Jane ask, "Can you do that sexy little dance from your thirtieth birthday for me?"

"Right," Steve clapped his hands together, "it's been…yeah, I don't think I have the right word to describe it. I'm going to go-"

"You can't go!" Sally interrupted. "There needs to be at least one other person in here with me."

"-sit in this chair," a dejected Steve sat down. "God, I'd rather be trapped for hours on a lift with Susan and Oliver—no offense to you Sally."

"I'd rather have you trapped in an elevator too Steve."

"It's nothing against you personally. It's just… _birth_. Birth makes me uncomfortable."

"Oh, so you think I'm comfortable?"

Dr. Tennant cleared his throat. "Is it alright if I do my job now?"

"No one's stopping you!"

"Times like these make me so glad I don't get involved in patient's personal lives."

"I can't help it if birth is an uncomfortable topic," Steve continued. "It's uncomfortable for all men. I could go into a whole monologue about why, but I'm pretty sure that's the last thing we need right now. And please tell me I'm not the only one who hears that static noise!"

Sally listened. "I hear it too. Is it coming from one of the machines?"

"It sounds like it's coming from your phone. Is Patrick still on speaker?"

"If he was, he would have said something by now. Patrick? Patrick, are you there?" No response. "Great," she hung up her phone and threw it aside—narrowly missing the doctor as he was about to perform the examination, "I've lost contact with my husband! I don't see how things could get any worse."

Steve groaned. "Well, we'll soon find out."

"What?"

"Whenever someone says 'things can't get any worse', something worse always happens. Let's just see what the next worse thing is, shall we."

"Okay Sally," Dr. Tennant stood up, "I believe you're ready to go."

Both Sally and Steve's faces went pale. Sally tried to talk, but she couldn't form any words so Steve did the talking. "When you say go…you mean go _home_?"

"I mean she can start pushing."

"So that's a no on going home?"

"I don't want to push!" Sally objected. "Can I opt for the C-section instead? I want a C-Section! Please give me a C-section!"

"Oh please, give her a C-section!"

"Oh my God!" Sally gripped the side of the bed. "I can feel pain! Bad pain!"

"How bad on a scale of one to ten?" Sally's reply was an agonizingly loud groan of pain. "So a nine?" another shorter, yet still loud groan of agony followed "Nine and a half?"

"More like a fucking eleven you wanker!"

"But…but…but you got the epidural! You're not supposed to feel pain!" Steve frantically looked at the doctor. "She feels pain! Why can she feel pain?"

"The epidural wears off when the baby moves farther down the birth canal nearing the time for the woman to push," Dr. Tennant explained. "Did you not know that?"

"No, I didn't!"

"You thought that the epidural's effect sustained throughout the entire delivery didn't you?"

"Well…yes! Can't you give her another one for the actual birth?"

"I'm afraid it doesn't work like that."

"Yeah, now you tell me! They should put a bloody warning label on epidurals: 'will not work during painful part'," Steve began his frenzied pacing before stopping at Sally. "You had to say things couldn't get any worse!"

"Shut up, Steve!" Sally demanded through gritted teeth.

"Why couldn't you say something like…like 'things can't get any better'? Maybe if you had said 'things can't get any better' Patrick would suddenly come bursting through the door and things might suddenly get better!"

The response to that statement were the following noises coming from outside of the room: someone running, shoes skidding against the tiled floor, a hurried 'WATCH IT' directly before what seemed like a series of crashes, more running, the skidding of shoes again, the door to Sally's room bursting open, and a person stumbling in, tripping over their feet, and falling to the ground. Thankfully, Patrick fell face first this time. He didn't seem affected by any of it though because he quickly got up and ran to Sally's side. "Sally," he took a few seconds to catch his breath, "hi." He was a bit taken aback by Sally slapping him, but he thought she was justified in doing so. "I know, I know, I'm sorry I got here so late."

Steve was clearly in awe of what just happened. "Damn, I'm good."

Sally managed to let out a breath of relief among the pained breathing (and another slap to her husband). "Don't ever do anything like this to me again Patrick!" She looked at his tuxedo. "Are you covered in vomit?"

"Don't worry, it's Susan's vomit." Patrick looked at Steve. "I'll take it from here, Steve."

Steve looked as if he was going to burst into happy tears. "Oh, thank God!"

When Steve headed for the door, a nurse entered the room and closed the door behind her. "Sorry sir, you can't leave."

"Oh yes, I can!" Steve opened the door, but after looking outside, he quickly came back in. "Oh no, I can't."

"I'm sorry sir, but for safety reasons you aren't allowed to leave until the custodial staff gets here. It would probably take a good thirty minutes to clean up, but that's not counting how long it takes the staff to get here by stairs."

"What happened? How did all that blood and…other suspicious fluid mixed in the blood get on the floor?"

Patrick sucked the air through his teeth. "Yeah, sorry, that was kinda my fault."

"So I'm trapped here? God, this day just keeps getting better and better," Steve grumbled as he shuffled to a corner of the room. "Go on; go about your whole miracle of life thing. I'll just stand here and brood." A miserable, pitiful sob escaped Steve.

Patrick and Sally stared at him for a moment before Patrick got back on focus. "Okay, can someone fill me in on what's happening?"

Sally looked at him incredulously. "I'm about to push a baby out of me, you idiot!"

"I know that, obviously. I just want to make sure I didn't miss anything else."

"Patrick, Darling," Sally calmly took his hand in hers, "let me assure you," both her grip and her demeanor became much more intense, "you didn't miss a God damn thing. Now I suggest you shut up and watch or else you're going to miss a certain body part once I hack it off!"

Patrick tried to pry his hand from Sally. "Okay, okay, I get the gist! Let go!" Once she did, he let out a small cry of pain. "Geez Sally, that really hurt!"

"Good!"

Dr. Tennant situated himself between Sally's legs. "Okay Sally, you feel like pushing?"

"Do I have to?"

"I'm certain you'll find you don't have much of a choice here," Sally quickly realized she didn't and started pushing. "Good," Tennant complimented, "keep it going…okay…stop." Once she got the okay to stop, Sally fell back onto the bed panting and crying.

"Should I do something?" a concerned Patrick asked.

"Haven't you done enough?" Sally bitingly questioned back.

"Actually Patrick there is something you can do," Dr. Tennant began. "Keep Sally elevated, it makes it easier for her to push. It's not a good idea for her to fall onto the bed like that. During breaks, you can allow her to lean back and then prop her up when she has to push again."

"Yeah," Patrick nodded, "I can do that."

"Words of encouragement wouldn't hurt either if you want to do more than hold her up. Speaking of which: prop her up she's gotta push again."

"Again?" Sally grunted. "Once is never enough for you men, is it?"

"Come on Sally, you can do this." Sally started to push again. "Good, good…okay…stop." Sally leaned back into Patrick. "The baby's head is crowning."

Patrick looked at the doctor uncertainly. "What does that mean?"

"It means the head will be out after the next push. You can come and watch this part if you want."

"Actually I…" Patrick took a few steps back, "…I'm fine right here."

Steve, still facing away, raised his hand to acknowledge he was still there. "I'm also fine right here."

Dr. Tennant shrugged. "Suit yourselves," he looked at Sally. "I feel I should warn you Sally: this is the big one, and it's going to be the most painful. So when I tell you to stop pushing, you do just that. Alright?"

Sally quizzically raised an eyebrow to him. "What do you mean by 'most painful'?"

"You'll found out in a few seconds."

"I don't want to find OW," Sally understood what he meant. "OW! FUCK!"

"Come on Sally, push!"

Even Steve couldn't help but cringe as Sally's cries only got louder and more agonizing than before, drowning out the doctor shouting for her to keep pushing and Patrick attempting to encourage her. It was in this instant that Steve realized two things. One: he really needed to call his own mother after this. Two: he was grateful Susan had a C-Section in the end. He certainly wouldn't be able to keep it together if Susan had to go through this much pain, so how in the hell was Patrick still standing?

He also wished he had an mp3 player with him so he could attempt to drown out the screaming.

"Stop!" Dr. Tennant instructed.

Sally let out a shrill cry of exhaust and fell back into Patrick's arm. "Oh, God!" Unsure of what to do, Patrick started wiping sweat off her forehead with his sleeve. "Don't touch me!" He immediately stopped after that.

"The head is out!" This time curiosity got the best of Patrick and he looked down. Instead of being disgusted, he was awed. He didn't find it gross, he found it bewildering. How the hell was something like this accomplished? This kind of thing didn't look normal, but he didn't want to say that out loud on the off chance he gave Sally a fright (hadn't she been through enough already?).

Sally didn't bother to look down though. She was lying back looking up at the ceiling and panting heavily. "Am I done now?"

"Almost," Sally closed her eyes and groaned while the nurse laid towels on her chest. "Just one more push and it's all over." Sally shifted upright and used whatever energy she had left to give one (hopefully) final push. Once she was done, she sank back onto the bed in exhausted relief—her cries of pain overwhelmed by someone else's crying. "You've got yourselves a healthy little girl," Dr. Tennant proudly informed as he laid the crying newborn on her mother's chest.

Sally opened her eyes and looked down at the bloody pink mass that was on her chest and gasped. She laid there wide-eyed and speechless as said bloody pink mass was being cleaned off right before her. Patrick couldn't form words as well, so he let out a few breathy, yet excited laughs trying not to shed any (manly) tears. Steve found himself tempted to look, but he opted not to—at least not until he had an okay from Patrick or Sally—so he stood there smiling to himself wishing his own wife and child were there with him.

The nurse turned to Patrick while holding a pair of scissors. "Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?"

"Yeah, sure," Patrick reluctantly took the scissors from her.

With a smile, she guided Patrick to where he was supposed to cut. "Yep, cut right there."

When Patrick did as instructed, the baby started crying louder. "I didn't hurt her did I?" With a chuckle, the nurse assured him he didn't before carrying the still crying baby off to be cleaned and measured. "Not even a father for a minute and I managed to screw it up." Patrick was surprised when Sally started laughing. "What?"

"Sorry," Sally stopped laughing, "it's not like you to assume the worst—that's my thing."

"But-"

"Trust me: you haven't screwed anything up yet."

He raised an eyebrow to her. "Yet?"

"Don't start anything with me now Patrick, I just pushed your baby out of me."

Steve couldn't help but let out a small laugh. "Get used to her playing the Mom card now, Patrick."

"What are you still standing over there for?" Patrick asked him.

"I'm waiting for them to clean the giant mess you made outside."

Patrick chuckled. "Get over here and congratulate me Steve, I just had a baby."

Sally gave him an 'are you serious' look. " _You_ just had a baby?"

Steve laughed as he stepped out of his corner and gave Patrick a congratulatory hug. "Congratulations, mate." He leaned over and gave Sally a tender hug as well.

"Thank you, Steve."

Steve seemed surprised by that. "For what?"

"For being here, I really do appreciate it." Patrick also showed his thanks by patting Steve on his shoulder. "I'm actually kind of glad you stayed for this."

Steve smiled at her sincerely. "Me too."

"Okay," no one noticed the nurse until she made her way over to the group while carrying a blanketed (quieter) newborn, "I think it's time we all got acquainted with one another." The nurse carefully passed the baby to its mother as the guys watched with fascinated interest.

Sally held her daughter as if she had done it a thousand times before. The maternal instincts she tried to avoid for most of her life finally kicking in. This seemed so natural to her now. "Hello," she smiled at the infant. Slowly, Sally started unwrapping the blanket to count the newborn's fingers and toes. "Okay, that's all there." Then she took the hat off of the baby's head.

Patrick gave her a confused look. "What'd you do that for?"

"Because I want to see her properly—without that ugly hat on," she stroked the small amount of hair atop the infant's head. "She has your hair."

"Really?"

"Oh absolutely, there are obvious hints of natural brown curls." Sally studied some more of her daughter's features. "Though I can't tell who she looks more like."

Patrick tilted his head to get a better look. "Like you."

"You sure?"

"Well she's beautiful; she obviously gets that from her mum."

Sally let out a watery laugh as she brushed a strand of hair back. "I'm not beautiful."

Patrick sat on the hospital bed and pushed Sally's hair back so he could see her face. "I think you've never looked more beautiful than right now." He leaned in to give his wife a kiss. Afterwards, he placed a gentle kiss atop his daughter's head.

"Do you know what I think? I think that you should hold your daughter," Sally transferred the baby from her arms into Patrick's arms.

During the transfer, the newborn started to squirm. Startled, Patrick backed off. "Sally," he tried not to panic, "Sally, she's…doing something." Steve did his best to suppress a laugh—this side of Patrick was kind of funny to witness.

"She just moved a little, that's normal. Now go on and hold her."

"That's okay; she seems comfortable with you."

"Oh honestly, Patrick. Now you know you're going to have to hold her eventually, so you might as well start now," Sally passed their daughter to her father and helped guide him on how to hold her. "Support her head," once she was sure, Sally sat back and watched them interact. "There see, you're doing fine."

"Now what do I do?" When Patrick looked at Steve, Steve put his hands up and gave him a 'don't look at me' type expression.

"Talk to her; she knows your voice."

"What am I supposed to say to a baby?"

"I don't know; just talk to her like how you'd talk to a normal person."

Patrick looked down at the infant. "Um…I guess I should talk to you…even though you can't understand a word I'm saying." The newborn responded to this by slowly opening her eyes and looking up at the person who was holding her. Patrick smiled back at her. "Hi." He looked up at Sally. "She's not screaming at me." Sally rolled her eyes at him. "I think she knows who I am."

Steve backed toward the door. "I can see I'm really not wanted here. So I'm gonna-"

"You still can't leave," the nurse didn't bother to look at Steve as she typed into the computer.

"-wait here and do nothing."

"Good boy," the nurse smirked as she completed another round of typing. "Okay," she addressed Sally, "the birth certificate is nearly completed," she turned to face Sally and Patrick. "Does Baby Girl Maitland have a name?" The first-time parents indicated that was a 'no' when Sally blushed and bit her lip and Patrick looked away from the nurse while whistling. The nurse couldn't help but laugh. "It's not unusual for parents to have settled on a name right away. Take as much time as needed."

Sally tried to look at the computer screen. "You have everything else recorded?"

The nurse nodded. "We have it recorded that Baby Girl Maitland weighed six pounds, four ounces and was delivered on Sunday the seventh of-"

"I'm sorry," Sally interrupted, "did you say the _seventh_?" The nurse gave Sally a strange look as she nodded. "You said _seventh_! I only just got here this afternoon it hasn't been a day. It should say the _sixth_."

"Well you delivered at 12:02 a.m. Once that clock struck twelve it became a different day entirely. You might have arrived at the hospital on May the sixth, but you delivered on May the seventh."

Sally's face fell. " _Seventh_?"

"We make sure the time is accurate by looking at the analog wall clock, the digital clock on the machines, and the watches on our wrists. So let me assure you: our timing wasn't off. I suggest you get over it and be happy you had a baby."

"Good advice," Patrick agreed.

Sally sighed. "I just don't like the number seven."

"It might be a bad number for you but it might not be for…the baby—seriously Sally have we even come close to finding a name?"

"No," Sally looked at Steve. "Steve, do you have any names in mind for a girl?"

"Please don't involve me in something that important," Steve begged.

"Are you sure you can't think of any suggestions for your goddaughter?" Patrick asked with a grin.

"No, and even if I did I…did you say _my_ goddaughter? You want _me_ to be her godfather?" Both of the new parents nodded. "Wow I'm…that's very…gosh, thank you."

"You want to hold her?"

"Wh—yeah, sure." Patrick stood and carried the baby over to her godfather. Having previous experience, Steve automatically knew what to do when the newborn was deposited into his arms. "Susan's going to be ticked when she finds out she didn't get to hold her first." Both men found this amusing.

"Well, what Susan doesn't know won't hurt her."

Steve swayed the babe in his arms a bit. "She's much lighter than Josh was when he was born…much quieter too." The baby then started to make a fuss so Steve passed her back to her father. "Guess I spoke too soon."

"She might be hungry," the nurse suggested. "Perhaps it's time that you try breastfeeding." The nurse noticed the guys react: Steve's face was screwed up in confusion and Patrick was looking down at his chest in puzzlement. "I was talking to Sally."

Steve let out an embarrassed laugh. "Clearly."

"Good," Patrick gave the newborn back to Sally, "I was wondering how that'd work."

"Uh-huh," the nurse gave the guys a strange look before turning to Sally. "It's best for mothers to start breastfeeding right after birth, but don't be alarmed if the baby doesn't latch on straight away. And it might seem odd to you if the baby licks the nipple but again, that's normal." Patrick turned his back to her and started to whistle nervously. Keeping his back turned (and continuing to whistle), he took off his suit jacket and tied it around his waist.

"Right," a nervous Steve nearly leapt out of his seat and headed for the door, "I think now's a good as time as any for me to..." the nurse gave him a negative head shake, "…go stand in the corner."

…

It seemed inevitable that Steve wouldn't be able to go home. No sooner had he (finally) gotten the okay to leave Sally's hospital room did he run into everyone else—the group most likely hurrying over once everything had been cleaned up. It had been apparent that they had all left the hospital at some point to change their attire and met up as a group to greet the newest addition (Susan had even brought Joshua with her). With an audible whine, Steve led the group back to Sally's hospital room.

"Back so soon?" Patrick asked after answering Steve's knocks.

Steve gestured to everyone else. "They all got together and decided that I shouldn't go home." Susan playfully swatted him. "Is it alright if they see the baby?"

Patrick stepped aside and gestured for them to go inside. A very excited Jane pushed her way through the mini crowd to be the first one in, Susan followed her while carrying Joshua—who bitterly stuck his tongue out at Patrick—and the rest of the guys made their way in last.

Immediately on sight, Susan, Jane, and Jeff broke into a simultaneous, "Aww."

"Bay-vee!" Joshua yelled out his observation.

Susan giggled. "That's right, that is a baby! It's Auntie Sally's baby. Can you say 'hi' to the baby?"

"No," Joshua buried his face in his mother's shoulder.

"No?" Susan couldn't help but chuckle at that. "Why not?"

"He must know it's Patrick's baby," Jane innocently remarked.

"Jane!"

"Well, he doesn't like Patrick and that baby is obviously Patrick's. Look at her she looks just like him."

"Are you kidding? That little girl is all Sally."

Both women turned to the man standing in between them. "Uh," Jeff nervously looked at them, "she looks like both of them." They both glared at him. In response, Jeff backed closer to Oliver and Steve. "I don't like conflict!"

Oliver put his hands up in surrender. "Don't get me involved; I think all babies look the same when they're born."

"So, what are we gonna call our little Patrick-Sally hybrid?"

"Not that," the girls simultaneously agreed.

"The baby doesn't have a name yet," Steve informed.

Jane looked back at the baby. "Of course she does. It says so on her hospital bracelet: Baby Girl Maitland. Interesting name choice; was it Patrick's idea?"

"Her name is not Baby Girl," there was annoyance in Sally's tone. "Steve's right, she doesn't have a name."

"What kind of parents don't give their child a name?"

"Yet, Jane! She doesn't have a name _yet_."

"Oh good, you had me worried for a second there."

"What about Olivia?" Susan asked Sally. "Weren't you always partial to the name Olivia?"

Sally nodded. "Yes, and I still like that name."

"So why don't you name her Olivia?"

"Patrick's slept with an Olivia."

"Three Olivias actually," Patrick corrected.

"So Olivia is out of the question."

"Plus Olivia's a little close to 'Oliver', don't you think?" Oliver pointed out.

"It'd be like naming her girl Oliver," Jeff commented.

"Sally, didn't you promise your grandmother you'd name your first daughter after her?" Susan remembered.

"I am not naming my daughter Eleanor," Sally was certain on that.

"Sally, you promised your grandmother on her _deathbed_!"

"That doesn't necessarily mean that has to be her first name. Middle name, fine; just so long as the name is in there somewhere. I'm sure my dead grandmother won't roll over in her…ashes—I forgot we cremated that one."

Oliver looked at Patrick. "What about you Patrick? Don't you have any suggestions?"

Patrick put his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall. "Well, Sally technically had two names picked so she asked me to pick two. Naturally, I couldn't think of any."

"Surprise, surprise," Susan muttered.

"I figured since Sally had to use her grandmother's name, why not use my grandmother's name too."

"Oh, did you promise your dead grandmother the same thing?" Jane inquired.

"No, and both my grandmothers are still alive thank you very much."

"And I'm not particular to either of the names he suggested," Sally added. "I do think they're both fine for middle names though."

"It's just the main name we're having a problem with."

"Are you open to suggestions?" Susan asked.

"Suggest away." Nobody said anything. "Thanks a lot guys, real helpful."

"Why don't you name her after your mothers?" Susan asked after a beat.

"Because I hate my mother," Sally replied back.

"Well what about your mother, Patrick? Didn't she pass away a few years back? Why don't you name her after your mum?"

"Because my sister named her daughter after our mum," Patrick explained. "Do you know how awkward that would be if my sister and I had kids with the same name?"

Susan frowned at that. "I can't say that I do."

Patrick titled his head. "Now that I think about it: my sister and I were named after our grandmothers, so maybe my suggestions won't work."

Steve scrunched his face in confusion. "Did you say you were named after your grand _mother_?"

"Yeah, Grandma Patricia, my mother's mother."

"Ah, that makes sense."

"There was Nana Rose and Grandma Patricia, hence my sister being named Rose and me being named Patricia…Patrick," he quickly corrected as a few laughs escaped his friends. "You all know what I meant."

"I'm actually dismayed Patrick's sister beat us to the name," Sally noted. "I think the name Grace sounds nice with any last name—Gracie too—but you know my feelings on nicknames." Susan and Jane nodded while all of the men exchanged confused looks. "If you're going to pick a name you might as well use it."

"So you've been avoiding all names that can be shortened?" Oliver asked.

"Yep."

"No Rebecca, or Elizabeth, or Victoria, or Katharine- with a 'K' or 'C'?"

"Nope."

"Besides," Patrick began, "I've slept with a Rebecca, Elizabeth, Victoria, Katharine with a 'K', Catherine with a 'C', and most of their various nicknames."

"Hang on," Steve pointed at Sally, "didn't you say your mother's name was Gloria?" Sally nodded. Steve then pointed at Patrick. "And your mother's name was Grace?" Patrick nodded. "Both of those names start with a 'G'."

"Yeah, so?"

"So-"

"-why don't you settle on a name that starts with a 'G'," Susan completed Steve's thought. "That is where you were going with that right darling?"

"It's eerie how you do that thought completing thing."

"I knew you were going to say that." Susan turned back to Sally. "You could try that. Ooh, and because you're using Eleanor for a middle name the baby's name will spell out the word 'GEM'. That's both clever and cute."

"Or," Jeff raised his finger, "you can use all those middle name suggestions with the 'G' name and spell out the word 'GROPE'." All of the guys burst into laughter while Susan and Sally gave them disapproving glares. "Or not."

"Are you being serious or is this yet another pitiful attempt at being funny?"

"Well, it is possible to do that if you arrange the middle names options like that...and it happens to form a somewhat naughty word."

"This is how your mind works?"

"Susan," Steve gestured to his friend, "this man has nine thousand words for breasts."

"And counting," Jeff felt the need to add.

"You could do what my parents did and pull a name from out of a hat," Oliver suggested. "Wow, did that just make my parents sound like terrible people?"

"A little bit, yeah."

Then for no apparent reason, Sally burst into tears. "Hey," Susan set her son down and sat beside her crying friend. "it's okay, you'll find a name."

"But why is it so difficult?" Sally cried.

"Because it's an important decision. On the upside, you did settle on one middle name."

"And I hate it!"

"You did tell your dying grandmother you'd name your first daughter after her."

"She only asked me to do it because I'm the oldest! Susan, you should remember the stupid tradition the Harpers have."

"So break tradition."

"But I promised her as she was _dying_! You can't break a promise like that! God, why did she have to have such an old name?"

"Well she was your grandmother and I'm sure Eleanor was a popular name in her time."

"Even she hated her name! I hate that name! My daughter will hate that name! I don't want my daughter to hate her name—she might hate me because I gave it to her." Sobbing, Sally buried her face in Susan's shoulder.

All Susan could do was rub her back consolingly as Sally sobbed on her shoulder. "There, there."

Jane made a 'tsk' noise. "I told you should've just named her Sally Harper Maitland. Can't be worse than calling her Baby Girl."

"Not helping Jane!" Susan barked at her.

"Harper's not a bad name," Patrick finally spoke up. This remark got Sally to look at him. "Technically, that was part of your grandmother's name."

Everyone was awed by this, but Steve was the only one to be vocal about it. "Did something smart just come out of Patrick's mouth?" Patrick just shrugged in response.

"I never thought I'd say this: but Patrick's right, actually," Sally's statement made Patrick shrug again. "Ellie was my father's mother so Harper is technically-"

"I'm sorry," Susan turned and faced Sally, "Ellie?"

"That's what everyone called her. Like I said, Nana Ellie hated her given name so everyone called her Ellie."

"Ellie?" Jane titled her head in thought. "I actually do like that name."

"Yeah, me too," Oliver agreed.

"Me three," Jeff raised his hand in concurrence.

"I think it works," Steve sided with the majority.

Susan grinned at Sally. "You could've saved yourself a lot of trouble if you mentioned that beforehand."

"I…" Sally didn't know what to say, "…I like it too; but isn't it sort of unusual to use that as a given name?" She looked at her husband "Patrick?"

Patrick blew out a breath as he rubbed the back of his neck. "I've probably slept with an Ellie."

"Do you remember?"

Patrick moaned in agonized annoyance. "Please don't make me think."

"I suppose it is a good sign if you can't remember sleeping with an Ellie."

"I'd hate to ask," Oliver started, "but if you use the intended middle name as the first name, then what are you going to use for a middle name?"

"They've still got the 'G', 'R', 'O', or 'P' to choose from," Jeff reminded.

"Or a different middle name entirely," Steve pointed out. "Though it's probably best to choose from your current options to save time."

Jane raised her hand in excitement. "Ooh! Ooh!" Sally acknowledged for her to continue. "Since we used Sally's suggestion for a first name we can use Patrick's suggestion for a middle name. You could call her Ellie Harper Maitland."

"Wasn't that technically _your_ suggestion Jane?"

"No Steve, both of her parents got to pick a name," Jane winked at Patrick who smiled in return at her. "I was just the first to approve."

Sally scrunched her face in confused thought. "I never actually chose the name Ellie."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I said it by accident and you all liked the name."

"No, you did choose it. Again, I was just the first to approve."

Sally smiled at Jane and Jane took it as a cue to hug her friend. "I'll never understand you as long as I live."

"Well, I am a very complex individual."

Sally was the first to pull away. "I know how I'm going to pay you back for all you've done today."

Jane whined in protest. "Sally, I asked you not to."

"No, I want to. I think you're going to like what I have in mind."

Jane sighed. "Okay Sally, what?"

"I want you to hold your goddaughter."

"What?"

"What?" Susan was caught off guard by that as well.

"I'm sorry Susan," Sally apologized, "but after all Jane's done for me today I think it's the least I can do to repay her." Susan nodded in understanding. "I'm really sorry if this upsets you."

"No, you're right. Jane has done a lot for you today while I got married without you there, and threw up on Patrick's suit after a rather terrifying elevator ordeal—sorry about that Patrick." Patrick gave her an 'it's cool' type shrug. "I admit I'm a bit surprised, but this is your child after all."

"You're just upset because you wanted to hold her before everyone else."

"Oh Susan, you can hold her before me," Jane insisted. "There's always a sort of pressure when a friend holds another friend's baby first."

"You wouldn't be the first," Patrick informed.

"Well, duh! Obviously you and Sally got to hold you own baby."

"So did Steve." Patrick noticed Steve's glare. "Oh right, we weren't supposed to tell Susan."

Steve looked at Susan and chuckled nervously. "Susan, did I tell you they picked me for godfather?" Susan stared back at him with her arms folded against her chest. "Well I believe I've earned it; I had to stand here as Sally gave birth! _Birth_!"

"You didn't see anything did you?" Jeff inquired.

"Jeff!"

"What's it like to see a baby come out of a-"

"I didn't look!"

"Is it like _the_ seminal John Hurt moment?"

"Can we find a new topic of discussion please?"

Jane raised her hand. "Do Steve and I get wands?"

"Excuse you?"

"Like Cinderella's godmother? Do we get wands to do the pumpkin thing?"

"Oh my God."

"That was a _fairy_ godmother," Oliver explained with heavy emphasis on 'fairy'.

Jane huffed. "Well what am I entitled too as a _regular_ godmother?"

"Nice choice in godmother there Sally," Susan muttered to her friend.

Ignoring Susan, Sally leaned back and turned her head and observed something she found peculiar. "Susan," Sally pointed behind Susan, "what's he doing?"

Susan turned to see Joshua trying to push a hospital chair. This made her laugh. "Joshua Walker Taylor, what are you doing?"

"No see bay-vee," her son responded as he attempted to push the chair.

Susan laughed again, but—given the confused looks and awkward silence—no one else seemed to understand. "He can't see the new baby. He's trying to move the chair so he can get a better look. My little Einstein over there thinks that all chairs work like his high chair. Steve, help him before he hurts himself."

Steve couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he picked his son up and blew a raspberry on his cheek. "Come on, Daddy will show you the new baby." Steve carried Joshua over to the bassinet. "See the baby? Wanna wave to the baby?" Joshua stuck his tongue out at the newborn and buried himself in the crook of Steve's neck. "He likes her already."

Jane's eyes suddenly lit up. "I've suddenly come up with the most brilliant idea this week," she grabbed Jeff's arm. "Come help me research how to start a matchmaking site for babies."

Jeff just stood there confused. "What?"

"Afterwards we'll have sex."

"Okay," that got him to follow her out like a (horny) puppy.

Oliver clapped his hands together. "Speaking of sites, I'm sort of in the middle of an online auction for a video of the _Star Wars Christmas Special_ …and yes, that exists. Craziness!" Everyone stared at him strangely. "Right, be seeing you all," Oliver awkwardly waved goodbye and left.

Steve exhaled. "Well, seeing as though everyone else is leaving we should probably-"

"Not until I hold your goddaughter," Susan interrupted.

"We should give Patrick and Sally some time alone with their baby. Then we can home and maybe, _finally_ have our honeymoon night." Susan folded her arms and raised an eyebrow. It was no use, Steve wasn't leaving. "Dammit."

After scowling at Steve for a moment, Susan looked at Sally. "Can I hold her now?" Sally gestured for Susan to go ahead.

"Ah-ah," Patrick stopped Susan before she even got off the bed, "allow me," he stood over the basinet and carefully scooped up his daughter. Ellie got a little fussy but Patrick got her to calm down and then passed her to Susan.

"You know, I have done this baby holding thing before."

"Yes, but that's not your baby."

Susan smiled. "Well, well, well look whose paternal instincts kicked in. I must say: I rather enjoy seeing you like this Patrick."

"Is it me, or does he seem sexier than usual?" Sally asked.

"Oh yeah, very sexy."

"Oh, don't mind me!" Steve piped up. "It's not like I'm the father of _your_ child or anything, Susan!" Susan couldn't help but chuckle. "Though yes, it is rather nice seeing this new side to Patrick."

Patrick looked at him with slight disgust. "Oh God, you're not attracted to me too are you?"

"No! No, it's just nice to have another father in our group. It won't be as weird talking about having a kid now that someone else in our group has one too. Maybe now I can have an actual adult conversation about children—which hopefully won't sound as pedophilic as I just described."

Susan sighed. "I still can't help but question what you men talk about when us girls aren't around."

"Sex, mostly," Patrick answered back. When disapproving looks were cast upon him, he only realized that it was a rhetorical observation. "I wasn't supposed to answer that was I?"

"Anyway," Susan was usually the one to instigate a new topic of conversation, "is it alright if Jane and I throw you guys a homecoming party? You know, like what you did when Steve and I brought Joshua home for the first time; is it alright if Jane and I do that for you?"

"I'm fine with it," Sally approved. She looked to Patrick. "Is it alright with you Darling?"

"Yeah, sure," he replied back. "Just don't go in the guest room."

"Honestly, are you still trying to keep that nursery a secret?"

"Wha—you know?"

"You're terrible at trying to keep secrets; I was bound to find out eventually. I had the perfect opportunity when you fell asleep five minutes into _Steel Magnolias_."

"I told you you should have locked the door," Susan commented.

"Patrick, I thought you knew that I knew!"

"I didn't know that you knew!" Patrick admitted. "How was I supposed to know that you knew?"

"Because I told you I knew!"

"Well then I wasn't actually listening!" It was afterwards that he realized what he blurted out. Times like that he thought he should probably think before he spoke. When he noticed the icy looks in his direction, he shifted a bit and rocked back and forth before finally asking, "So…did you like it?"

"Ah, the awkward question phase that comes after an accidental blurt," Steve smiled, "Has a nice sense of comforting familiarity when it doesn't happen to you." Susan glared at him. "Doesn't it?"

Sally's annoyed groan broke the awkward silence. "Yes Patrick, I liked it very much."

Patrick let out a breath. "Good; I worked really hard on it. And you were technically the first to see it, which is what I wanted."

"I was impressed; you did a fantastic job."

Steve turned to Patrick. "You put a whole nursery together?" Patrick nodded. "By yourself?" another nod. "And Sally liked it?" Sally nodded this time. "Wow, even I've never done anything like that for Susan."

"Believe me: I know," Susan grumbled to herself.

"That's another thing you don't know about Patrick," Sally began. "When it comes to romantic gestures Patrick has a tendency to go the extra mile."

"At first it was because doing nice things always led to excellent sex," Patrick felt the need to add. "Still does, actually."

"I suppose I've done the nicest thing by giving birth to your child."

"That you have."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"I thought you knew."

"Knew what?"

"No sex for six weeks."

"Six weeks?"

"Maybe even longer."

"What?!"

"I told you this, but I guess you just weren't listening."

"Face it," Steve started, "the only thing that'll be keeping you up all night is the baby."

Patrick was still shaken by this. "Six weeks without sex?"

"Maybe more. It's going to be hard to find time when taking care of a new baby." Patrick was too shocked to form words. "I realize this may be a challenge for you-"

"-but I'm sure you'll manage," Susan concluded.

"But the sex!" Patrick protested.

"Oh for God's sake, Patrick; sort out your priorities!" Susan carried Ellie over to him and situated the newborn in her father's arms. "Trust me when I say that any future sacrifices you have to make for this little darling will be worth it in the long run." Once Ellie was nestled in her father's arms, Susan went her son and his father. "I think now is as good as time as ever for the new family to bond."

Steve wanted to break into a smile, but he was still skeptical. "Really?"

"I got to hold my not-goddaughter, that's really what I wanted. Now, why don't we go home and do some _bonding_ of our own?"

Steve seductively raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Seriously guys?" Patrick whined. Susan and Steve chuckled at that. "Don't be cruel!"

Susan rolled her eyes and went over to give Sally a hug. "Congratulations. Feel free to call if you need any help or advice, alright?"

"Thank you, Susan, but," Sally looked at her husband cradling their daughter and they shared a smile, "I think we'll be fine."

"Don't say I didn't offer then," Susan gave Patrick a hug as well. "Congratulations, Daddy."

A sudden realization dawned on Patrick. "Wow, that name feels so different in that context."

Sally made a disgusted face. "Patrick!"

"Well, I wasn't those other women's fathers."

Susan chuckled as she took Joshua from Steve. "Can you tell Sally bye-bye?"

"Bye-bye Sa-wee," Josh waved to Sally.

"Bye-bye Joshie," Sally waved back.

"Bye-bye bay-vee," Josh waved to the baby.

"Can you say bye to Patrick?" Susan requested.

"No!"

Patrick frowned. "Good riddance to you too, you little bugger." Patrick's form of goodbye came in the form of Josh sticking his tongue out at him. In retaliation, Patrick did the same.

"Honestly," Susan left the room rolling her eyes.

"Bye," Steve bade them goodbye before following Susan out. "Are we finally going to have that honeymoon night now?"

"Well, not _right_ now," Susan quipped, "but once we get home I suppose we-"

There was the sound of a wailing newborn followed by two people desperately calling out for, "Susan!"

Susan huffed and passed Joshua back to Steve. "You were stuck with them for all those hours, let me return the favor," she kissed her husband. "Love you."

"Love you too," he responded as she turned back to help Sally and Patrick. Steve looked at his son. "I guess it's just us." Joshua yawned and settled himself in his father's arms. "Alright, I can take a hint. When we get home I'll put you to bed and Daddy…" Steve paused as a sudden burst of inspiration came to him, "…Daddy can get started on his writing."

…

"See," Jane was the first person to enter the flat, "I knew I left the door unlocked. Come on, let's do this."

"Is this really a good idea?" an unsure Jeff questioned as he stepped inside.

"Well we both want to try something kinkier don't we? Now let's do what we came here to do." Jane went into Patrick and Sally's bedroom while Jeff nervously started looking around.

Going through various photo albums, Jeff found what he was looking for. "It is real! Actual, photographic proof!"

"Found it!" Jane came back into the living room waving a video tape. "Sally's right, Patrick is terrible at hiding things."

"Is that the right one?"

"How many other videos can be labeled _Sally, Motor Show, Sex_?" Jane showed him the video tape clearly labeled _Sally, Motor Show, Sex_. "Wow, Patrick's terrible at labeling too. Did you find what you were looking for?"

Jeff displayed the photo. "Yeah! Actual, photographic proof of Sally as a cheerleader!"

"Good! Now we just find a replica of that uniform in my size, dress you up like an American football player, and watch Sally and Patrick's sex tape to see what moves they use."

"Excellent."

"Are you sure you don't want to have sex in their bed? I've had a few gos on it, it's very comfortable."

"Yeah, but I'm not really comfortable having sex on Patrick's bed."

"What about Steve's bed?"

"I have had sex on Steve's bed actually."

"With Julia?"

"With myself."

"I've had sex on Steve's bed with Steve—his bed his also quite comfortable. With his luck he's still probably spending his wedding night at the hospital. No point letting his bed go to waste now is there?" Jane pulled out her phone and dialed Steve's number.

" _Hello?"_ Steve wasn't on the other end.

"Susan?"

" _Yes?"_

"You're not Steve."

" _Obviously not._ _I'm still using his mobile."_

"Are you at the hospital?"

" _No, I'm about to park the car and go home."_

"Oh."

" _Did you want something?"_

"Well…" Jane quickly thought on her feet, "…did I tell you about my new business venture?"

…

"That's lovely Jane," Susan was talking on the mobile as she entered her flat, "but what purpose do I have for an online baby matchmaking service…I'm not going to sign my child up for that…yes, well good luck with that…Jane, you phoned me so I had no reason for—actually yeah there is something: Sally is being released tomorrow I told her we'd throw her a homecoming party…yes, like what she did when I brought Joshua home…I was hoping you would help purchase decorations…alright, thank you...no…no…no, goodbye Jane!" she hung up. "An online dating site for babies? The things that woman comes up with," she hung her coat up and set her handbag aside. "Steve!"

"In here!" Steve called back.

Susan headed for the living room where Steve was sitting on the couch with his laptop. "Ah, I see we're actually doing some writing."

"I realized my previous writings were mostly dialogue heavy and vague on descriptions and actions; so I figured why not try my hand at screenwriting."

"Screenwriting?"

"I'm considering pitching a series about us to television."

"About us?"

"Us, our friends, our going-ons, and conversations. I thought that it might make for some interesting writing."

"Does this television series have a name?"

"I'm thinking of calling it _Coupling_."

" _Coupling_? Really? I think you can come up with a better name than that. Unless of course it took you all this time to come up with a title and you haven't done any writing." Steve closed the laptop and set it aside. "You mean to say you've spent the last few hours struggling with a title and did no actual writing?"

"Yes I did! A title is very important. It's very hard to come up with one that's somewhat original and hasn't been used."

"And you just have a basic, yet vague idea on what you want to write?"

"Most screenwriters incorporate real experiences into what they're writing. Most of the successful series are based on a writer's actual experiences."

"How are you going to start it?"

"What?"

"You've got to have a starting point. If you're going to base it on what goes on in our lives, what point in our lives are you going start it at?"

Steve only took a few seconds to think about that. "I was probably going to start when we began dating. I can use that as a television pitch and then if it gets picked up as a series find an event to use as a potential finale and each episode in between the pilot and finale will be based on something that happened in our group of friends."

"Yes well, try not to make it seem too much like the show _FRIENDS_."

"Dammit! I knew my idea was too familiar." Steve leaned forward with a defeated sigh. "Maybe I need to come up with something else entirely."

Susan started rubbing his shoulders. "You know, we still haven't celebrated our honeymoon."

Steve turned to her with a lustful look on his face. "Perhaps we need to rectify that Mrs. Taylor."


End file.
